At what age can you reason with a child, and when do they understand consequences?

**decemberbubba** · 05-07-2012 11:11

Sorry for the long title & post! Ok, so DS is 18mo and he's starting to develop a very strong willed little personality. I think this is great, but it can be a bit of a struggle in certain situations.

As an example, ever since he started walking at 12 months, if we're in a busy shopping centre or carpark I tell him he either needs to hold my hand or I will have to carry him. Obviously he doesn't understand the choice he has, but I explain anyway. When he was younger he was quite happy to oblige and if I had to pick him up he didn't mind. Now he's older and more adventurous he generally refuses to hold my hand, and when I pick him up he starts kicking and screaming. Another example would be if he gets cranky and throws a toy at me. I explain that's not how we treat toys/ mummy and that the toy will be put away if he does it again. Of course it happens again and the toy goes, which means he has a mini tantrum.

I'm just wondering about what age they can actually understand they have 2 choices, or they can understand the explained consequences of the choice they make? Hope that all makes sense!

**Lil M** · 05-07-2012 11:18

I understood that it was about 3 years old. My DS is 2.5 and knows when he's done something naughty but he still does not understand consequences for actions, as he swill still do the same thing over and over again no matter how many times he's been asked not to. Also he doesn't try to hide the fact he's done something naughty either.

**duckduckgoose** · 05-07-2012 11:21

Hi

DS is also pushing boundaries. From what I've read they don't really "get consequences" till about 2. We are planning on doing magic 123 soon as I've heard that's great.

We do similar things to you - eg, hold hand or get picked up, or if you hit mummy i walk away, etc. I think every little bit helps. We get tantrums all day too - that he has to wait for his toast to cook or he can't watch tv all day, it's tiring.

Good luck, it's a trying time.

PS I used to be majestic

**Blondi83** · 05-07-2012 11:25

Well my daughter is 3 and still is only kind of getting it, she knows when she has done something naughty but still does it after I explain to her. I'll tell her if she keep it up she'll go to her room and she will say sorry, I won't but then as soon as that's finished she's back at it :S its so very hard sometimes and they certainly know how to push our buttons. I can't give advice really except keep up what your doing, its just those hardish few years I think we have to trench through gahhhhhhhhhh

**decemberbubba** · 05-07-2012 11:31

Thank ladies! I was thinking around 3ish. I'll keep explaining, and hopefully it will pay off in the end.

Majestic!

The name and avatar change really threw me!!

**decemberbubba** · 05-07-2012 11:42

Just on a bit of a side note, is it normal for them to be so defiant at this age? I know he doesn't do it on purpose, but he just wants to do his own thing, and if he is stopped or feels restricted he gets so angry. Distraction just doesn't work anymore so we have to ride out the crying until he decides to calm down.

**Electric Boogaloo** · 05-07-2012 11:51

Originally Posted by decemberbubba

Just on a bit of a side note, is it normal for them to be so defiant at this age? I know he doesn't do it on purpose, but he just wants to do his own thing, and if he is stopped or feels restricted he gets so angry. Distraction just doesn't work anymore so we have to ride out the crying until he decides to calm down.

Short answer YES
Toddlers are developing the understanding that they are a separate person, with their own personality and ability to influence their world.

My son is 22 mo. Like you, I give him a choice of two things and he does understand most times. If he gets frustrated or angry, I acknowledge it (like "yes, I can see you're angry") and wait for him to calm down.

**Tildy** · 06-07-2012 01:13

I have done 123 magic with 1yr olds and had them understand what was going on. They can understand consequences quite early on. You just have to get through that exhausting, emotionally draining string on tantrums first. The toddler years are quite similar to the teenage years. They are struggling for autonomy and a bit of control over thier lives. It's about how you say it. If you give two choices then repeat yourself word for word each time you present the choice e.g. "holding hands or I carry you which one?" ask him 3 times and then say "ok I choose to carry you" or "I choose to hold your hand" and then just go with it. If the tantrums are really bad I would take the child somewhere quieter like a bathroom or the car to ride it out till they are calmer then present the choice again. It can take an age but they get the point eventually.