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  1. #1
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    Default im just not that into you anymore....

    I didnt think i'd ever be writing such a thing on a public forum such as this. I'd usually turn to a friend or ask my mum or sister.....but not this. Its too personal.

    Here goes..

    I miss the spark between DH and myself. I dont know how to get those feelings back. ATM, he's my friend, my best friend. We chat, laugh, have things in common and do all the things that "friends" do together.
    I love him. I'm in love with him. I cant imagine myself without him.
    BUT .....I feel im physically slipping away from him.
    His mannerisms are starting to really get on my nerves and his bad habbits are standing out more than ever.
    This might sound petty and rediculous but these silly things are the reason i turn away from him when he kisses me.
    - He snores every night, the whole night and gets angry when i tell him i was woken 3 times because i thought the dog was on the bed growling at me.
    - He doesnt brush his teeth enough - because he "cant be bothered", his breath gets vile.
    - His flatulence is beyond discusting.
    - he has 35 minute showers
    - I dont appreciate him just laying there during sex - i just want to give up when he gives nothing in return IYNWIM.
    - he will be mid sentence or have the kitchen tap running (leave it running) and will sprint off to the toilet - to do number 2 or run in WTF is he 4 yrs old?!?!
    - His alarm goes off 3 times before he eventually gets up for work, then complains he is running late and cant help me out with the TWO chores i ask him to do for me in the mornings.

    He has more good things about him than the bad, i realise this. I just dont know why the 'bad' thigs are getting to me so much.
    I hate when he "jokingly' says to me....
    "you dont love me anymore, you think im ugly"
    "you only use me for my credit card and sperm"
    "i cant ever do anything right by you, you're just too perfect"
    He says these things all the time as a "joke" but deep down, i know exactly what he's talking about, just wish he wasnt so condecending about it. He obviously knows we are physically slipping appart, too. He wants to feel loved again

    We have been together for 7 years and married for 3. I am 3 years younger than him. Last year we had our first baby and probably since having her, i have felt this way. Im also pregnant again.
    I dont feel pretty or attractive, i cant be bothered making the effort to look nice- for him. I used to though!
    I feel our dd has probably drained me of everything. She gets all my attention, love, dedication and when it comes to DH wanting sex or a cuddle or to "make out" or talk about his day or mine or dd, im just....exhausted and i dont really care.
    We dont go out for dinners or have "us" nights out like our friends do simply because we cant really afford that stuff. DD is in bed every night by 7pm and sleeps thru till 8am. We have heaps of "us" time. It's just spent eating dinner infront of masterchef, cleaning up ironing his work clothes and passing out in bed by 9pm.

    I want a connection back. I want to feel attracted to him again. I think i might be taking our relationship and DH for granted - "he'll always be there no matter how i treat him", kinda thing.
    Gosh i miss the days when we were 'dating' - so exciting, full of lust and chemistry.

    This might sound completely bonkers but ....On the rare occasion we have an argument or serious fight over something............why is the "make up sex" a few days later...... so darn good?!?!?!?! Why doesnt he "do that thing" every bloody time we do it?!?! arghh!

    Anyways. There. I guess i just needed to blurt it all out to strangers because anyone who knows us, would not even think it was possible "WE" would ever have 'relationship issues'. If they did, all i would be given as support would be a shoulder (not that im against a lovely shoulder to cry on!) and "you'll get over it, you guys aways do" or "it's just a phase in the marriage" or "welcome to parenthood".

    There are probably a million billion things im doing wrong and twice as many things i can do to help our situation, i just dont know where to start. How do i become attracted to him again? How can i be attractive to him again?

    clearly in a rut.

  2. #2
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    Hugs. I could have written this word for word. I have no advice for you but just wanted to wish you well. x

  3. #3
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    Gothel is offline Skip the drama, stay with Mama!
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    Some words stand out to me, drained, exhausted, passing out... Its such a hard time in a relationship, adjusting to a new baby. I know that might sound like I'm saying 'its just a phase' but having kids has been the toughest test my own marriage has had.

    The other thing that stands out is, it sounds like you guys still have a connection. Its just a bit buried ATM. you say you are still in love with him and that is the main thing. Are you feeling ok in other areas of your life (baby, family, friends etc) or is it just about dh?

    When I had similar feelings the single must useful thing I did was talk to a counsellor, by myself. I was seeing her for PND but we spent a lot of time talking about my feelings around dh and she gave me some tools to ground myself and begin to reconnect. A good friend also said to me, you can't change anything he does, you can only'control' yourself.

    I hope none of that sounds preachy, I just feel for you cos I have been there, still am there to some extent but things are much better.

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    Hunkamunka  (04-07-2012)

  5. #4
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    Hugs, you sound very sad

    I agree with MrsTiggyWinkle that having kids puts a massive strain on your relationship - my relationship with DH has suffered so much since DS was born, but we are getting better.

    Some great advice I read on the hub once was to say "I love you" a lot, remind yourself to tell your DH that - it really does make a difference and reminds you both that you are actually in love.

    We did 6 weeks of marriage counselling earlier this year and the stand out thing that made a huge difference was the counsellor set us a challenge of each doing three nice things for the other person in a week but not telling the other person or expecting thanks. It was quite powerful and made a big difference.

    Remember, relationships are hard work and there are crappy periods. They are like seasons and sometimes it is just a damn long winter but if you stick with it for long enough springtime rolls around again.

    Good luck, I hope you can make some changes.

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    Gothel  (03-07-2012),Hunkamunka  (04-07-2012)

  7. #5
    Gothel's Avatar
    Gothel is offline Skip the drama, stay with Mama!
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    Oh my friend also told me every night to write down one thing dh did that I liked, one positive thing. Its a bit strange doing something like that, its very one sided, but it gives you a focus, and if things don't improve you can take it to the next step, which I guess us taking to him about how you feel, and maybe doing done counselling. Does he know how you are feeling, you say he makes these jokes etc, but I know how hard it can be to actually start that conversation

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    Hunkamunka  (04-07-2012)

  9. #6
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    Your not alone with these feelings as you can see by the posts above and mine! Our boys are 3 & 5 now. We have been through 'peaks' of rough patches and as the others have said relationships take work. I am in the same boat as you atm in regards to intimacy. There is not much spark there. I even tried a make up sex set up and it was still crappy...

    Last time we went through this I invested in some 'different' night time entertainment things. We have had karma sutra dvds, other dvds, books, toys, games, you name it!! It can bring the spice back a bit I think!

    Try date night at home? As in after your kids have gone to bed. Set up a nice dinner, movie and pop corn, write down 10 questions each that are not related to your child. Find an interesting article and both read it then talk about it. Sometimes we get in a rut where life is all about the kids.

    Also 7 year itch or so they say....

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    Hunkamunka  (04-07-2012)

  11. #7
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    Id suggest seeing a counsellor to talk through these problems

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    Peterhau  (29-07-2012)

  13. #8
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    Theophania is offline 'see what had happened was..there were these three ninjas and a blue monkey and well it really wasn't my fault..'
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    Having children is a huge adjustment for a relationship. The dynamics change. I had to change my expectations a little when we had our babies so they were a bit more achievable. Our 'us' time is curling up on the lounge together at night when the kids are in bed and we watch 'our shows', nithing special just some series we both love. We have a coffee and cuddle, and I love it. Its our little ritual. We haven't been to the movies or out to dinner alone for about 2 years. Its just not possible so I find other ways to spend time together. I also find that if I am feeling a bit off I sit and spend an hour or so remembering back to when we got together, its not hard to remember why I fell in love with him when I do that.

    I also just wanted to say, that when we are anggry/cranky with someone all their bad habbits do stick out. They start to look like an ogre and nothing they can do will impress us until we are over our anger etc...

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    Hunkamunka  (04-07-2012)


 

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