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  1. #21
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    I think if your friend is willing, then it sounds like it could all work out really well for all of you. It sounds like a good fit.


    I'd suggest though, doing some kind of professional counselling (as you've already mentioned) to set out some kind of contract or guidelines. Because even though your friend would be the donor at this stage, once the child is born, things could change.


    I know a lesbian couple that went with a known donor about 8 years ago, it all was worked out before hand and seemed amicable. I think it was sort of a home job, so not sure what legal papers they signed or agreed on. When their little girl was born, he fell in love with her and couldn't help wanting to have a more fatherly role. It didn't help that she looked like a duplicate of him. I don't think he expected to feel it so strongly and it ended up getting a bit stressful because he wanted access to her. They couple now basically co-parent the child with him and it has all worked out really well, but it wasn't what they were expecting in the beginning. It was all a bit sad because i don't think he even anticipated he would love this child so much from the beginning, he just thought the would be an occasional person in her life but once he saw her, he instantly fell in love with her.


    So i'm just saying, get all the legalities worked out before you go ahead, so you can prepare for all eventualities.


    Absolute best of luck to you! Hope you end up with a beautiful baby soon.

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  3. #22
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    Wow, how exciting. I have no words of wisdom, just wishing you luck talking to your DP and friend.

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  5. #23
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    Oh how wonderful! What a great friend you have RR! I hope it works out. I agree with PPs, contract, clear boundaries etc and then a BABY! Let us know what DP thinks!

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    What great news! My cousin and her partner have triplets with a known donor (very good gay friend of theirs). It works really really well. A couple of teething problems but they've really worked it all out. The trips are nearly 4 and very very happy, amazing kids!
    I can give you more details if you want on how they do things.
    Last edited by faroutbrusselsprout; 02-07-2012 at 07:55.

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    I think you are Thinking things through and will be fine whatever option you chose. I like pp's suggestion of counsellIng to help establish an agreement/deal with any changes in feelings.

    My only question is how 'good' a friend is the potential donor if your DP doesn't know them? May cause hiccups down the track if they are not really that good a friend.

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  11. #26
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    How will the child/adolescent feel being told that the person they've known all their life as 'Uncle' is actually their real father, and wants nothing to do with being their Dad?

    Will it create a strained relationship between them? Will it create a issue of trust between you and the kid?

    That is the most pressing issue for me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I think you are Thinking things through and will be fine whatever option you chose. I like pp's suggestion of counsellIng to help establish an agreement/deal with any changes in feelings.

    My only question is how 'good' a friend is the potential donor if your DP doesn't know them? May cause hiccups down the track if they are not really that good a friend.
    He and I have known each other for about 10 years. DP has never met him because he was in the army, then she was at police college and now he's finally back in Sydney.

    She seems to be of the opinion that if I love him, and think he is a great person, she would do. But obviously they'll meet a few times beforehand. If it's a go, there'll be a lot of hanging out time to be had, what with drafting contracts and all that. If she really doesn't like him, I wouldn't push the issue. I sent her a photo of him though, she is happy with that aspect at least (not that it's remotely important to us).

    She got home this morning, gave me and big hug and told me she was excited. It's a provisional yes from her, pending meeting and everyone agreeing on terms! She's working tonight so he and I are having dinner but will pop in and visit her just to say 'hi'. Then we will all have coffee/dinner next week if it's all good.

    The fact that he is in the defence force so isn't permanently in Sydney would work well for the arrangement. No chance of crowding or anything.

    Tonight, I'll talk to him about the nitty gritty and what we want. He can take it or leave it. He's a wonderful friend though so I really hope it works out well for everyone

  13. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by ToughLove View Post
    How will the child/adolescent feel being told that the person they've known all their life as 'Uncle' is actually their real father, and wants nothing to do with being their Dad?

    Will it create a strained relationship between them? Will it create a issue of trust between you and the kid?

    That is the most pressing issue for me.
    I don't think it'll be about him 'not wanting to be their dad'. It'll be clearly explained that mummy and mummy wanted to have a baby, so uncle helped us make that happen. If anything, this baby would be so, incredibly wanted by EVERYONE who helped create them. IMO.

    We don't want him to be a dad. We want him to be a really important person who aided DP and I, the parents, to have children. I think as long as a child knows they're wanted, knows that they were made out of love, and has access to their biological father, it's not an issue.

    That's my thoughts based on my own issues, anyway.

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  15. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atropos View Post
    Oh how wonderful! What a great friend you have RR! I hope it works out. I agree with PPs, contract, clear boundaries etc and then a BABY! Let us know what DP thinks!
    DP is very excited! It's a yes, assuming everyone is on the same page with boundaries etc.

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    I think you are approaching this with the best intentions! So exciting for you and your DP!!

    It all sounds great and if you can prepare yourselves for the fact that later down to track the donor might want more access and you an DP are happy with that then that's great

    I would get you and DP to write up separately and the donor also questions or scenarios you can discuss and all the 'worst case scenarios' and all the nitty gritty and really have it all out to ensure your all on the same page!

    Group counseling sounds like great idea too and finally drawing up the contracts with all those nitty gritty things you've discussed - you don't want any grey areas left not covered!

    Wow, so excited for you!!!!!

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