I'm 40+5 weeks and had such high hopes for a VBAC this time round. I have a private midwife and as part of the collaborative agreement, have seen 2 obstetricians. The first I refused to see again. The second I thought was a good fit until our appointment 2 days ago where he threw the dead baby card at me when I asked to discuss induction options and going past 42 weeks. That appointment ended badly (to say the least) and I have refused to see him again.
I now feel completely certain that this pregnancy is going to end in a caesarean and have asked my midwife to book one in asap so I can get it over and done with. She has refused and wants to see me on Monday before making this decision. I've agreed to humour her but TBH, I can't see me changing my mind. I have lost all confidence in my body and am convinced I will not go into labour by 42 weeks. I keep thinking
1) who am I to question 2 obstetricians who between them have over 50 years of experience - I put my faith in the medical profession for tons of other things, why am I being so arrogant now?
2) I wish I had just booked an elective caesarean from the outset - now I'm in a position where I have no idea who will do the surgery and it'll be in a public hospital which terrifies me. I wish I was able to go into a private hospital and have DH stay with me like he did for our first child. Plus, if I'd booked an elective, I wouldn't be sitting here feeling so disappointed and depressed because I had failed at another birth and once again, made crappy decisions.
3) I have tried acupuncture, nipple stimulation, walking, fitball bouncing etc etc. The baby isn't even engaged let alone showing signs of labour. What a waste of effort and money.
I'm not really sure why I'm posting this. I am sick of people asking when I'm due, I'm sick of my midwife being so damn optimistic, I'm sick of being disappointed dozens of times a day thinking that a twinge or feeling might mean the start of labour, I'm sick of waiting for what's going to be an inevitable outcome of repeat caesarean. I just want it to be over and done with so I can stop focussing on the birth and start focussing on my baby. I am racked with guilt that this entire pregnancy has pretty much been about the birth and I've not spent a lot of time just daydreaming about this little person who I'm so excited to meet. In trying to do the best thing, I've ended up being totally selfish and unhappy.
I think I just need to vent. Thanks for reading if you got this far.