*LOOOONG POST ALERT*
I don't really know why I'm writing this, or what it will achieve. I just need to debrief my awful last two hours. DH has been away for 10 days and I don't have phone contact with him to debrief to him.
DS (almost 3) has had an up and down day today. He's spirited and today was a day of being well behaved one minute, and aggressive and defiant, destructive and argumentative the next. DD (nearly 1) has a cold and is being delicate today, which is understandable, but makes getting her to sleep very challenging and frustrating - and she is a bad sleeper at the best of times.
I showered with them, shampooed my hair while DD cried on the shower floor, picked her up and she launched herself at my nipple so I had to BF her with half washed hair in the shower. Then DS had a huge tantrum when we (finally) got out. After that came bedtime and DD had a HUGE melt down for over an hour because she wants suckle at the breast while she sleeps and doesn't want to be put down. Every time I put her down she would start screaming and get very distressed very quickly, but because DS was watching Giggle and Hoot and it was nearly over, I couldn't sit there all night with her. So for an hour I went in and out to her, feeding her again and again, putting her down again and again, and she screamed again and again. I got more and more anxious and worked up and eventually had to just leave her scream for 10 minutes while I got DS ready. He had another huge tantrum and then I lost it and screamed all of a sudden at him and stomped towards him while he tantrummed on the floor, and *here's the terrible mummy bit* he squatted, cowering like a frightened puppy on the floor and put his hands up like I was going to hurt him. I burst into tears. Other than the occasional smacked bottom, I have NEVER hurt him, and he's never even seen me in a rage until tonight, and it was over in seconds. When I saw myself throught his eyes I died a little bit inside. He got angry then and made getting him dressed as difficult as possible, shouting at me and flailing around. It was all just awful and I keep replaying it in my head. I coped so so badly and I feel like the worlds worst mummy at the moment. When I went back in to DD she was so upset and sobbing. She finally went to sleep after I gave her a bottle of formula (first time I have ever done that, so there's another thing I can feel guilty about). I just feel so drained tonight.
I need her to sleep well tonight and to stop waking up ever 2-3 hours all night. I need her to just go to sleep instead of it being a 30 minute affair every time during the day and for bed at night. I need DS to just stop being so bloody defiant and aggro. I need to cry.