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  1. #1
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    Default Feeling stressed about in-laws when baby arrives

    My in-laws live 5 hrs from here and we only see them every few months. They're pleasant enough to my face, but I've overheard them say things to my DH that indicate they don't think I'm good enough for him. They also like to shower us with useless trinkets and then get quite offended if they don't see them in the house the next time they visit. They're quite passive aggressive towards me, full of unwelcome advice and comments.

    Mostly we drive to visit them and thankfully they rarely come here, but I have heard a few comments indicating that they intend to come and stay here when DS is born (our first child, their second grandchild but first boy) and visit and stay regularly after that. I really feel that having them stay with us, particularly in the early days when we're getting routines and bf established, would make it very difficult for me to settle into motherhood. I have no history of depression but the very thought of being exhausted and struggling with bf AND their presence in our house makes me want to cry now, so I am actually quite worried about how I'd be affected by it.

    Unfortunately DH takes the view that his parents live so far away so they're entitled to good time with the baby and it would be silly to ask them to find alternate accommodation. When I told him I felt uncomfortable with the idea of bringing DS home to a house full of in-laws he told me I had to call them and tell them that they couldn't come. I just wish he'd be some sort of supportive and tell them that WE feel we will need some space, even if it's a white lie for me.

    I know that they're entitled to see their grandson and that I'll probably be the worst in the world if I ask them to wait until we have settled in as a family. Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I'm 32 weeks and it's really stressing me out, far more than thoughts of the birth or the baby!

  2. #2
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    I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! I would feel exactly the same way, and have felt the same way when my MIL has come to stay (fortunately my FIL) is fantastic. She is a very negative person and criticizes everything when she's here, from the garden having weeds to a window needing cleaning! She also likes to tell me how to parent my baby, for example, they were here staying - thankfully only for the day on that occasion, but I told her that bub needed to have a nap, well she proceeded to continue playing with her regardless and as a result I ended up with a screaming mess (which is when they conveniently decided to leave for the day) I was very annoyed with my husband because he could tell I was ****ed off but didnt say anything!
    I also feel so uptight and stressed if they come to stay as nothing is ever good enough!
    Just an idea, can you say that maybe your parents are coming to stay? Or an old friend and unfortunately they won't fit. Otherwise I think you need to bite the bullet and ring and just explain it to her. You never know, she might respect you for it!

  3. #3
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    You're not being a bad person for wanting space! Especially with a new bub & settling in with your new family unit.

    DF's & my families live a good 3 & 3.5hrs away. We requested that they all stay in alternate accommodation. MIL stayed nearby for a week & was here for most of the day & that was a bit much for me. She tried to be helpful but i couldn't relax.

    Stick to what you feel would be best for you & bub. It won't hurt them to stay at a hotel- and you could argue that it would be more comfortable (no getting woken up by bub at night too)

    Hope it all works out!

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    You poor thing. Try not to stress out about it too much. It can be very easy for things to get on top of you at the business end of a pregnancy.

    Think about the facts: How long are they going to stay? Is your husband going to be off work for a while after bambini is born? Do they regularly visit their other grandchild?

    If your husband is taking time off, I would do it this way: Ring your MIL, tell her that your would really appreciate it if she can come and help out after your husband has gone back to work. If you word it right, it will seem like she is doing you a big favour. She will be happy, and you will get a bit of time at home to settle in.

    They are eventually going to want to see the baby, so you will have to bite the bullet and have them stay. In the first few weeks you probably won't have much of a routine anyway so this might actually be a good time for them to stay. If you don't feel comfortable BFing in front of them, get a cosy chair in a private place where you can go. It will give you some quiet time with your LO while they are there!

    Is your MIL a good cook? You might even appreciate the help!

    I had a similar story with my MIL. She came over to visit from Ireland when DS was five weeks old. She never BF, and she kept trying to convince me to give him formula. It was pretty tough, and made me second guess myself a lot. But it was only three weeks, we got through it with no lasting damage, and now she a great help to me (mainly via phonecalls! Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that...).

    Good luck, not long to go now!

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    I HEAR YA. My DP is in the army and we are currently based in Adelaide, with both of our families living in Melbourne. This baby will be the first grand child on both sides. So, both my parents (who are separated), his parents AND his grandmother have all decided they are going to come up and see us when he is born and stay for a week. As in, they are expecting a phone call when my labour begins and they are going to drive over. I put my foot down and said at least that no one is staying under our roof except for my mother for a couple of nights out of the week, but everyone else has to find alternate accommodation.

    This is really stressful for me. My world is about to get turned upside down and I am going to have such a crowd around me. DP has said that he will play the mean guy and whenever I say the word, he will tell them they can all go back to their hotel and come back later or the next day. He has said he will even tell them not to come at all until I feel more settled but I can't do that, they of course are all dying to meet their grandchild/great grandchild.

    It's very frustrating though, I feel like I am being very considerate of everyone else's feelings but no one else is considering mine...

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    You're not being unreasonable at all - it's a shame your husband isn't supporting you.

    My inlaws (and their kids aged 6 and 9) are coming to visit from interstate about 3-4 weeks after our first is due. They're lovely people, would be very helpful and wouldn't at all expect to be treated like guests... but even so I'm a little unsure about whether they should stay with us. They've offered to stay elsewhere (without any prompting from us), though we've said it'll probably be fine for them to stay with us. If I change my mind though, they'll be more than happy to find an alternative & my partner would certainly back me up.

    In our case, it's nothing at all against them, just that if I'm not coping very well then I'm sure I won't want extra people around constantly whist trying to get used to all the changes.

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    Absolutely reasonable!! Those first few weeks can be hard and it would be nice to just be able to share that time with hubby.

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    I can't stand my in laws and unfortunately they live 10 min away. I hav had this same problem as you (beside the staying in the house part) as I don't even want DH's parents touching my baby....at all!!!!

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with u asking them to stay in a hotel/other accommodation. You are going to be starting a new chapter in your lives and to be honest, you don't know how that is going to pan out. It takes ages to get babies into a routine and BF'ing alone is stressful enough. You don't new anyone around while your trying to do something you have never done before!!! If I were you, I'd be callin them myself and saying, they need to find alternative accommodation. You don't need to give a reason why... It's your house!

    I'm really sorry your going through this, and alone by the sounds of it. Men have no idea how much their lives change when they have kids.. No idea at all..your DH will probably thank you after bub is born, that you have the house to yourselves.
    Good luck... Take a stand, it's your baby!!!

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    You are NOT being unreasonable. Those first few days should be just you, your husband and the baby so you can get to know each other and get some confidence with him. Moreover, BF'ing can be really REALLY hard and I'm guessing you don't really want to get your b00bs out in front of you ILs every time bubs need a feed which may well be pretty much your whole day. Ask him how he'd like to get his bits out in front of your parents. He should be the one to phone and tell his parents how things are going to be. Quite frankly, when I had my babies the last thing I wanted was family hanging around all day. They can visit briefly but that's it.

    Get your husband to read this thread.

  10. #10
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    I totally agree with previous posts not unreasonable at all I'm 33 with my first and have asked my parents to give us at least 2 weeks before they come down they ate also 5 hrs away.


 

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