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  1. #1
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    Default I don't think DH and I are going to make it

    Hi all. I'm undercover as I am really paranoid this could get traced back to me and potentially my DH before I have my head around it all. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, sympathy or just need a huge vent!

    I am at a complete loss as to what to do when it comes to my DH. We are constantly fighting, or even worse, just not talking. I have a long list of issues as to why I'm mad at him. Some of which include, he's 30 and doesn't have his licence, I do EVERYTHING, and I mean everything! I cook, clean, shop, drive everywhere, do everything relating to our child and on top of this, I work a 40hr+ week. I feel like he does NOTHING, except drink beer and play video games, or go to his sporting committments (which, by the way, really eat into our weekly budget grrr).
    I have also spent a lot of time in and out of hospital over the last year due to a range of problems. The last visit I was there he didn't come and see me as his work was at an extremely busy time of year, yet the week later he was happy to call in sick when he was hungover?!

    I have tried to get him to get his licence. I have even booked lessons for him, encouraged him to go driving, my family have even offered to help him but he just gave up on that idea about 6 months ago. I brought it up again about 3 months ago and told him I really need him to do it, as I'm just not coping having to do everything - I also said he needed to organise it, as I'm not his mum and I can't always do everything for him. He still hasn't organised it! When I asked why, he said he never gets the chance to make calls at work. Which I know is hard in his job, however, when he needs to make a call for his personal needs (discussing footy plans etc) he seems to manage fine?!

    The worst thing is, when I try and communicate what I'm feeling to him, he automatically gets on the defensive. He either sulks and makes excuses or he just tries and turns things around on me, by bringing up things I've done in the past which have absolutely zero relevance as to what we're talking about.

    We tried a trial seperation last year but he really played on my insecurities to make sure I didn't leave for good. He constantly kept saying things like "who would want to be with a single mum like you?" and "you have no friends outside of me and my group, who would you spend time with?" which at the time was true, because of him I lost all of my friends as he is so jealous and controlling. But now I have a great supportive group of friends who I made on my own, who have nothing to do with him.

    I just don't think I can do it anymore. He is my best friend and I care a lot about him, but I feel like I have two kids. When it's just me and bub at home I feel so much more at ease, just the two of us. However when he's there too... I'm just stressed to the max which isn't good for our child either.

    I think I know I want him to leave... but part of me just thinks, where will he go?! Who will look after him? He also earns about half the income that I do so I worry about him financially too. He has a horrible family with zero support and I can't help but feel bad if he doesn't have us, but at the same time it's killing me being with him.

    I just don't know what to do I'm so mentally exhausted by this all.

    Sorry for the long, all over the place vent!!!!

  2. #2
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    Busy-Bee is offline Offending people since before Del :D
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    Hi - I will come back later but I just wanted to give you some hugs.

    Ten years ago I could have written that post word for word. My then husband didn't drive and I was the parent in the relationship. His priorities were football, boozing and maybe somewhere down the line was me/us.

    I'll be back later.

  3. #3
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    Sorry no advice just hugs

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    I think you have answered your own question, there is nothing positive in your post, for me the alarm bells went off with the things he said to you when you had a trial separation. You don't need to be with someone who, instead of trying to make himself better, tries to drag you down too. I know it's a tough move to make but unless he is going to make some real changes it doesn't sound like it's going to get any better, he sounds very controlling.

  5. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Hootenanny For This Useful Post:

    austmum  (27-06-2012),Luna Lovegood  (27-06-2012)

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    I agree, I think you've answered your own questions.

    If your best friend and written this post, what would you say to her?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sparker View Post
    I agree, I think you've answered your own questions.

    If your best friend and written this post, what would you say to her?
    That is a really good point... I'd definitely be telling her to leave him.

    It sounds so easy, but I'd have no idea how to even go about it

  8. #7
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    Sorry, I can't give advice on where to start but I think to keep yourself focused on reasons why, especially if he starts with the guilt trips and putting you down again, look back on what you have written to remind you of the reasons why you are doing this.

    He is an adult and you are not responsible for him.

    There are some amazing women on here that will give you advice on where to start.

    Good luck x

  9. #8
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    I agree with the others. It's a hard move to make but it sounds like its for the best. Hugs.

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    I think you need to leave again (even if a trial) now that you have found some friends.

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    Do you think it's an ok thing to ask him to leave and me and DD stay at home? If it comes to a permanent thing I'm the one who can afford to stay there. Plus I don't want to disrupt DD anymore than possible. We're close to daycare, friends, work etc.


 

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