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  1. #11
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    I'd find out if she definitely spent the money, and why, before I did anything. She may have really needed the money. If that's the case I would let it go, and yes, like others have said, I would give a voucher next time.

  2. #12
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    Honesty? I wouldn't ask for the money back. If she's needing that much assistance, it could be that a bill came in that needed immediate payment, etc. While I know it's not the REASON you gave the money, you still gave it as a gift. As soon as it no longer belonged to you, and in fact belonged to her, she could pretty much do as she likes with it, as it is hers.

    If you had bought her something, and she didn't use it as YOU wanted her to use it, would you then demand she give it back?

    I understand you guys had made a decision on what gift to give her, but, here's a few thoughts.
    How are you going to feel if you demand the money back, only to find out that she spent the money on groceries/medicine/power bill, etc, instead?? So that her kids could have food in their bellies, medicine for their illnesses, power so they're warm(and damn it's cold lately.)

    It might have even been that she suddenly needed the money for something immediately important for the bub?

    But mostly, as soon as you handed the money over, it was no longer yours, and you no longer really had a say in how it was to be spent, and I would think it would actually be very rude to demand someone else tell you what they had spent their money on, tbh.

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  4. #13
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    That is terrible, sounds like she well and truelly took advantage of you and probably has done the same with other people. I would tell her how you feel and wipe her off the Christmas list!

  5. #14
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    It is very rude. If it was me personally I would of looked at it and said well I was spending that money on her anyway so if she wants to spend it instead of having something beautiful to show for it that's her problem. Lesson learned. I don't give people money. If not a gift then a voucher. It was so nice of you to even think of that gift but I would look at it now as Oh well not your problem. Could of been a gorgeous day but she chose not too. Her problem not yours.

  6. #15
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    Its is rude, no doubt about it, its very ungrateful... but at the end of the day the cost to you is no different, regardless of what she spent it on. I would be cheesed off but would try not to stew about it, I would just not forget. It would definitely effect my choice the next time she was due for a gift.

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  8. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennaisme View Post
    Honesty? I wouldn't ask for the money back. If she's needing that much assistance, it could be that a bill came in that needed immediate payment, etc. While I know it's not the REASON you gave the money, you still gave it as a gift. As soon as it no longer belonged to you, and in fact belonged to her, she could pretty much do as she likes with it, as it is hers.

    But mostly, as soon as you handed the money over, it was no longer yours, and you no longer really had a say in how it was to be spent, and I would think it would actually be very rude to demand someone else tell you what they had spent their money on, tbh.
    i disagree with this... (no offence intended). IMO if she's getting so much help from family, the church and i assume the government, then she really shouldn't have needed to use the money for a large bill etc.
    i think too, what the OP is upset about, and i would be too, is that she gave her alot more than she would have spent on a baby gift in order for her to get some nice family pics! i would be very hurt and also annoyed that someone would be so thoughtless.
    i would ask for some answers and then decide if i want to ask for some of the money back, explaining why!

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  10. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by truely blessed View Post
    i disagree with this... (no offence intended). IMO if she's getting so much help from family, the church and i assume the government, then she really shouldn't have needed to use the money for a large bill etc.
    i think too, what the OP is upset about, and i would be too, is that she gave her alot more than she would have spent on a baby gift in order for her to get some nice family pics! i would be very hurt and also annoyed that someone would be so thoughtless.
    i would ask for some answers and then decide if i want to ask for some of the money back, explaining why!
    If she's NEEDING the help from the church, which is quite hard to get, and even when you do, it's no where near as much as they need, because all charities have a budget that they need to make stretch to cover as many people as they possibly can, if they NEED the help from their family(which gets humiliating to ask for), and if you pop your head into the single parents section on THIS forum, you would know how very little a single parent gets from the government and how hard it can be to make it cover ONE child, let alone four, then yes, it is possible that she got a large bill that needed to be covered.

    Alternatively, put yourself in the position of the woman: Can barely pay bills or buy food and you have to rely on charities, etc, to support yourself and four children. You had the opportunity to get yourself and ALL your children ahead, rather than just have some pretty pictures(no offence, I'm sure they're very nice, but yeah), and so rather than get the photos done when you realised you could get some of the photos for free(I'm fairly sure I read this part. I could be wrong. I'm very tired atm), wouldn't you? What about if she has a car and suddenly registration's due? The car suddenly broke down, and with four children, I'm thinking a car is one of those modern day life necessities, and struggling for money as much as she has been, she wouldn't have been able to put money away to have the repairs done.

    So, what would you do in this situation? Would you return a gift of money, that as GIFTED to you, when you actually have the thing the money was for, which was why money was given to begin with, at the expense of your children, or would you put it toward making yours and your childrens life easier? Then how would you react if someone questioned you on what you spent YOUR gift on, and then demanded the money back?

    And when you answer, I really hope you look VERY deep down, put yourself into this situation, then answer truthfully.

    Would YOU put a photo, which in essence is just a collection of pretty pictures(that you ended up getting for FREE), ahead of your own childs health and well being?

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  12. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennaisme View Post
    If she's NEEDING the help from the church, which is quite hard to get, and even when you do, it's no where near as much as they need, because all charities have a budget that they need to make stretch to cover as many people as they possibly can, if they NEED the help from their family(which gets humiliating to ask for), and if you pop your head into the single parents section on THIS forum, you would know how very little a single parent gets from the government and how hard it can be to make it cover ONE child, let alone four, then yes, it is possible that she got a large bill that needed to be covered.

    Alternatively, put yourself in the position of the woman: Can barely pay bills or buy food and you have to rely on charities, etc, to support yourself and four children. You had the opportunity to get yourself and ALL your children ahead, rather than just have some pretty pictures(no offence, I'm sure they're very nice, but yeah), and so rather than get the photos done when you realised you could get some of the photos for free(I'm fairly sure I read this part. I could be wrong. I'm very tired atm), wouldn't you? What about if she has a car and suddenly registration's due? The car suddenly broke down, and with four children, I'm thinking a car is one of those modern day life necessities, and struggling for money as much as she has been, she wouldn't have been able to put money away to have the repairs done.

    So, what would you do in this situation? Would you return a gift of money, that as GIFTED to you, when you actually have the thing the money was for, which was why money was given to begin with, at the expense of your children, or would you put it toward making yours and your childrens life easier? Then how would you react if someone questioned you on what you spent YOUR gift on, and then demanded the money back?

    And when you answer, I really hope you look VERY deep down, put yourself into this situation, then answer truthfully.

    Would YOU put a photo, which in essence is just a collection of pretty pictures(that you ended up getting for FREE), ahead of your own childs health and well being?
    I would not of given it to her if I knew that it was for something else. I don't think she did the right thing.
    I don't hand out money to family. I have been burnt too many times. I once was a single mum scraping by.. And I know I would have NOT spent my child's birthday gift money or hock their stuff that others bought them. What would she have done of the money was not sitting there?? Got by like we all have too. Her car was not broken down her children are fed.. The church gives her meat, veggies, fruit and snacks enough each week for a good few days. Maybe she bought fags with it???
    Anyway it's gone now lesson learnt!!
    I have always tried to help in other ways like paying her to help me clean for rent inspections. I help her as much for no payment. Bit over it

  13. #19
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    I wouldn't ask for the money back, but I would let her know how disappointed I was and I would tell her not to ask for help from me.

  14. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by bellieellie View Post
    I would not of given it to her if I knew that it was for something else. I don't think she did the right thing.
    I don't hand out money to family. I have been burnt too many times. I once was a single mum scraping by.. And I know I would have NOT spent my child's birthday gift money or hock their stuff that others bought them. What would she have done of the money was not sitting there?? Got by like we all have too. Her car was not broken down her children are fed.. The church gives her meat, veggies, fruit and snacks enough each week for a good few days. Maybe she bought fags with it???
    Anyway it's gone now lesson learnt!!
    I have always tried to help in other ways like paying her to help me clean for rent inspections. I help her as much for no payment. Bit over it
    You asked if I found it rude. Based on the information given, then no. I still don't. From your OP, it sounded like a baby gift, not a birthday present. From my understanding of such things, a baby gift is to make the mothers and childs life a bit easier? If it was a birthday present, then I find it rude of her to take her childs money, but otherwise, no.
    I understand why you would be upset and frustrated, however, and in her position, I'd like to think that I wouldn't have done it, but I'm not in her position, so I can't honestly answer if I would or not. I know my mum struggled quite a bit when I was growing up, so all my birthday/christmas money went on things needed for the house, etc.

    I am sorry if you took my post in an attacking/angry way. I know, particularly when I'm tired, things come off harsher than I intend them to be. I just find a lot of people on the forum prefer the "Grab a torch and pitchfork" approach to things like this and forget that the other person is human, with thoughts, feelings and reasons behind what they do and extremely rarely do we get the other side of things to make an informed decision.

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