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  1. #1
    OJandMe's Avatar
    OJandMe is offline I am the strength my children will have.
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    Default What do you do when your partner cannot stand your family?

    DH can't stand my family.

    To the fact he says they are not welcome in our house when he is there.

    Now I know some people have really really really bad families...

    and I'll admit mine are a little messed up, but in general it's just he doesn't like them as people.... personality clashes.

    He has no respect for my Dad or Mum and thinks they are absolutely useless, brainless, arrogant dopes.

    He can't stand my sister... and she IS one of the rudest people I know.

    I find it hard because while I can see why he doesn't like them or want anything to do with them... they are my family. And I do.

    So while I'm happy to take the kids there, or have them out when DH has taken a couple of the kids to his Mums... I don't really know what to say to them when they ask me why they never see DH or why he never comes to anything.

    He says he's given them 10 years, and they haven't changed, he just likes them even less...

    I love them, but I don't like them all the time. They are very frustrating.

    DH hasn't even seen his own brother in 2 years (because he doesn't think they have any values in common) or his maternal grandmother for 15 years.

    He'd drop everything for his Mum though... as would I, she is a person worth her weight in diamonds.

    So what do you do? Say? How do you balance it when your partner wants nothing to do with your family?

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    Wow, I have no real advice. that must be really hard!

    Without knowing the ins and outs of the situation it's hard to comment.

    Is he justified for not wanting to have anything to do with them? If your still seeing them id say he should just suck it up.

    what a horrible situation.

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    I could have almost written this whole post myself!
    i also find it hard sometimes as my family is big and has a lot of get togethers partys etc. especially this time of year.

    atm most of the time he just sucks it up and comes with but there are other times when he just down right refuses!

    so i guess im subscribing!

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    OJandMe  (24-06-2012)

  5. #4
    OJandMe's Avatar
    OJandMe is offline I am the strength my children will have.
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    Honestly.... I can see his points.

    They are certainly not people he would have ever chosen to have anything to do with if he wasn't with me.

    My Mum is a misandrist and hates men. She picks at DH, and we have 5 sons.. she's okay with them, but starting to get picky at O and J. Problem is, she doesn't even acknowledge it. All my younger sisters relationships have failed because my Mum keeps picking at her bf's... and they just get sick of it and leave, because my sister won't let them NOT see my Mum...

    My father is an arrogant SOB who 'was' a course convenor at QUT Carseldine campus, but was made redundant when the humanities shut down.. so he 'thinks' he is the sage of all wisdom.... but for all his book smarts there's not a lot of common sense.. and he's a habitual MJ smoker, so you never know which one you'll get when they visit. He also left my mum for a student of his when my sister and I were little... so DH has no respect for him on that front. And he does pressure DH a lot... DH isn't 'achieving' as highly as my dad wanted for me... he wanted me to marry a doctor or banker or a lawyer or someone... not an admin officer who decided to go back to uni fulltime as a 40yr old father of 5.

    My sister is an alcoholic... and so behaves like one.... but she's just joined AA so I'm hoping she returns to her former self... which is lovely, albeit arrogant.

    They are all arrogant really!

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    Is there more to the situation than them just being rude and him not liking them?
    If there is a real reason he takes issue with them then he shouldn't be made uncomfortable or be forced to be around them but if not then I would say as your DH he needs to be supportive of you and understand that they are still your family and he should make the effort for you.

    Do your parents have any issues with him? If so is it worth having a discussion to see if anything can be resolved?

    ETA Just saw your post above and I can understand your DH's feelings towards them sorry.
    Last edited by brooke88(mum2b09); 24-06-2012 at 16:10.

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    I have said to him that I have absoltuely no problem with him NOT seeing my family. I would not force myself to be in constant contact with people I didn't like. I don't care if he never sees them. He is happy for me to see them as much as I like.... as long as he doesn't see them at all!

    He wants the kids to have relationships with their grandparents, but he doesn't want a relationship with them.

    He said "I married you, not them.... I love you, I loathe them. I cannot spend the rest of my life dealing with these people.. if I am forced to, I'll walk." (I've never forced him to... he does come along to functions to this point, the last ten years out of obligation to me.... but my Mum and Dad are getting worse, and he just can't stomach it anymore!)

    I support his right not to see them and I fully understand his reasons.... I guess I'm just not ready to let my family know how badly they come across to others.... I don't know what I'll say when they ask me....

    Advice?

    How did you tackle it, what would you do?

    Kids want food.... back tonight.

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    I'm probably a lot like your DH in respect to families. I personally don't think a person means more or should be in your life purely for the fact that they are related to you.
    I've cut family out of my life because of the way they treat me. I have no respect for them and have no desire to have them in my lives. I wouldn't keep friends in my life if they treated me in that manner so just because they are family why should it be different?
    Maybe that's what it all comes down to? Your DH and yourself have different values in regards to family?
    When i was with my ex i didn't particuarly like his family so made sure i kept contact to the bare minimum. I couldn't care less how much time the ex spent with them though.
    Maybe you could just keep on working it as you have been? I don't think your DH should be forced to see spend time with your family if he doesn't want to. So long as you can still see them when you want to there shouldn't really be any issue.

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    Could you maybe write a letter to your family outlining some issues? And that way you have time to think about what you want to say and you won't have the awkwardness of saying it in person.
    I don't know your family though so not sure if this would work or if they would take offense.

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    IT depends on how bad your family is. MY family is horrible and I would avoid interactions with DH and them. I am sorry but it is selfish for one to expect a person sit and tolerate horrible behavior directed at them(correct me if I am wrong and they are nice to him).

    TO ME, if I loved DH as much as I claim I would not allow him to be subjected to horrible behaviour in his own home. OR force him to visit a place be polite and accept being treated like crap.

    I DID make dh do this as they were my family but after 9 years and them not changing I gave up. Its unfair for him to be treated like crap and accepting it because they are related.

    MY family thinks they are awesome and people want to be around them, people just tolerate them. When I tell them how things are(others opinions) I am being brain washed or they are the ones with the problem.

    I realized how bad they were this year, and finally gave up making the effort. While I miss my mum chats life is so much better and relaxing without the drama that comes with my family.
    Last edited by fairyflossfairy; 24-06-2012 at 16:25.

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    It's sad that it's got to the point where your husband refuses to see then.

    In these cases I think the best option is the child (you) pulling up the parents on inappropriate behavior as soon as it happens. Eg if your mum is rude to Dh let her know right away that's not acceptable and you can't be around them if that continues. It shouldn't get to the point where the non related spouse has to be the one to make a call not to see them.

    Things are pretty far gone in your case. If your husband won't give them another chance (if you promise to pull them into line) then you're going to have to tell your family the truth. That they have not been very nice to your hubby.

    I'm just worried that if you don't stick up for your hubby he will resent it.

    Best of luck..


 

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