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  1. #11
    GluttonForPunishment's Avatar
    GluttonForPunishment is offline Bubhub Award Winner - 2011- Most Optimistic Poster and Newbie of the Year Awards
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    He's done the wrong thing. It's been cr ap for ages. This will either be the catalyst for things to get better or the catalyst for things to end. I would recomend marraige counselling. People think counselling is all about saving the marriage - it's not. It's about seeing if there is indeed a marriage to be saved first. It will completely become apparent whether it can be saved or not, and you will then be able to part knowing and not carrying any regrets. Or, you will discover that through maybe poor communication or whatever that your marriage is something you both want to save.

    I wish you the best of luck.

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  3. #12
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    Oh my, I'm so sorry

    To be honest I don't know what advise to offer!
    So I'm just going to honestly say what I would do if I were in this situation..

    I would not let DH back in the house.
    I would talk to him one last time and say "I want you to organize a counselor, text me the date, time address etc. I'm not looking for one YOU are"
    I would then cut of all contact (unless it involved something to do with the kids, bills, emergency etc) so really just cutting off all "relationship" contact until we had been to a session of marriage counseling that he had organized and would start taking the advise from the counselor after that.

    For myself I would call a counselor for just me to see (until the marriage counseling is sorted) I would see a private one ASAP, your dealing with emotions that can be very damaging.
    It's a lot to take on and keep to your self.
    The other reason I say see a personal one is you said you haven't been happy for a long time. I think you need to sort out where you want to be as well.

    I would also ask one last thing of my Dh (if he hadn't already)
    I would ask for his passwords.
    If he refused then I wouldn't be bothered with marriage counseling.
    I know you don't have much control over his phone... My husband has his phone for work.. So I couldn't really take it off him! But if it was a personal phone I would most likely ask for his phone records (bills) to be sent to me.
    Might sound extreme but I would want to know if he was still talking that way with other women after I had kicked him out and he was asking for my forgiveness.

    Good luck!
    Stay strong, thinking of you.
    Last edited by Liddybugs; 18-06-2012 at 12:24.

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    It sounds like he wanted to end the relationship, or he wouldn't have done it, especially not for that long. I've forgiven a cheater before (cause as far as I'm concerned this is cheating) and it seriously did not wrk out well for either of us.

    He's going to need to work out WHY he felt the need to have attention from so many reasons. Perhaps he was looking to fill a void because neither of you were happy, but what pushed you to get there and why did he seriously think this would help? Without working it out there isn't really a big hope for the two of you as a couple imho

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    If you've been considering leaving for a while, perhaps this is just the kick up the bum you needed to make it happen?

    How interested has he been in resolving your issues before you discovered this? If he hasn't tried, then why is he all of a sudden willing to try now? Because he realises that this is something that could have him kicked out?

    I wouldn't let him back in... if you DO want to make this work, then do that living apart for now. If he wants to make it work, he will. I think it'll be a bit harder (on him) to have to live elsewhere, so if he;s willing to go through that in order to get you back, then I think that's probably a good sign. It's a lot easier for him to just come home, pretend he's willing to make improvements for a few weeks, then just slack off and do it again.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bennos Mummy View Post
    I personally would end the relationship. 2 years and no sign of him telling you if you had not found out for yourself.... ? I dont even want to think about how long he would have carried on then, or worse, actually did meet up with these women!!

    HUGE betrayal of trust and completely disrespectful!

    I agree the counselling could be a good thing in regards to co-parenting should you decide not to continue the relationship.
    Exactley this! Im so sorry OP I cant imagine what you are going through its just awful I was the child of a family that broke up because of my dad cheating and it was the best thing my mum did considering she was unhappy for a very long time before he cheated. Best of luck OP Im sure you will get some good advice from the lovely ladies here. Massive Hugs xoxox

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    I know how your feeling. It happen to me a 18 months ago. I was so upset and angry at him. I found messages on the laptop when he forgot to sign out from Facebook. It was girls that I had seen in town before and vaguely knew who they were. So I sent them rather nasty messages too and made it known to them he's married and got a wife. The girls were understanding. When I confronted him he said similar things that your husband had said. That he was " lonely". I gave my husband a ultimatum that he either stays and has to be open with his phone and cancel Facebook or leave. He stayed and he has no longer been on Facebook since. We never did counselling but we discussed on going. I just didn't give in to him easily and reminded him how hurt I was feeling.
    It took a while for us to return to a normal relationship but we are in a happy place now and I do sneakily on occasions check his phone and I'm always happy to see no messages from girls.
    It takes time but it's only you that can decide on your future. Good luck & big hugs.

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    As much as I can understand wanting advise. No one else can make this decision for you.

    If you want to consider staying, I think a marriage councillor is a must. If its what you truly want, your relationship could come out of this stronger than you were going into it. But I think to truly give it an honest try, you need to be prepared not to throw it back at him every time you argue.

    If you want out, then here is your out.

    Hugs! Huge huge hugs! I have once found myself in a similar position and I can relate to how awful it is!

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    By your own admission the relationship has been bad for ages. You say the message you first read was him planning to meet up, so I wouldn't be believing him saying he hasn't done anything. In the very least he was planning to cheat and would have if you hadn't found the message. I find it hard to believe you just happened to stumble onto the first time he planned to meet up with someone. Logically that doesn't fit.

    My advice? make your own life. If you guys had a good relationship prior to this there may be something to salvage. But from what you say, it might be best just to cut your losses and walk.

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    Quote Originally Posted by GluttonForPunishment View Post
    I would recomend marraige counselling. People think counselling is all about saving the marriage - it's not. It's about seeing if there is indeed a marriage to be saved first. It will completely become apparent whether it can be saved or not, and you will then be able to part knowing and not carrying any regrets. Or, you will discover that through maybe poor communication or whatever that your marriage is something you both want to save.
    Yes, this. ^^^ And to add to that, if you do decide that the marriage is not salvageable, the counsellor will help you with the emotions in dealing with seperating, dealing with children if there are any and how to co-parent as a seperated couple.

    However I must say... 2 years??? I recommend you take a while to get your thoughts in line, ie at least a week, with him out of the house, when you're ready spend another week or so discussing future options with him, and then decide from there.

    Good luck and huge hugs.

  11. #20
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    lambjam is offline Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!
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    What an awful time, I'm so sorry.

    I agree with everything GFP said. There is nothing to be lost in getting some counselling, and everything to gain: either your marriage saved or the firm knowledge that you should leave.

    Again, I'm so sorry. I can only begin to imagine what it must have been like finding those awful things. Take care.


 

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