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  1. #1
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    Default Friendship Advice Needed!!! Pregnancy related

    I need some advice and I don’t have many people to talk to about this, and I thought the subject would probably resinate with a few bubhubers out there.

    My best friend and I have been friends for around 7 years, which for me to hold on to a friend and not let life get in the way is a big deal. She knows everything about me and is someone I trust very much. Around a year and a half ago, she told me that her and her hubby were going to start trying for children, a year later still nothing had happened and they went to see a FS. Since then they have done 2 rounds of IUI and now their next option is IVF.

    I found out I was pregnant in February this year, just after they found out she has PCOS and he has very very poor motility. The first thing I did was call my Husband and tell him (we weren’t trying and I was on the Pill so it was a shock but a good one) after I told him, the next thing I said to him was, OMG how do I tell my friend. I was so worried about upsetting her and wrecking our friendship that it took me a week and a half to tell them. I was so nervous on the way over there that we had to stop twice so I could be sick. I walked in the door and she took one look at me and ask what was wrong, I started crying and told her I was pregnant, and that he wasn’t planned, and I was so sorry if this upset her. She was so excited for me.

    But now things are different. It all started with conversations, she use to tell me every detail about every FS appointment, then it was shortened answers, closed answers or not even talking about the subject. When we spoke about other things, I felt she is holding back and not wanting to share anything with me. I should mention that when I am around her I don’t bring up the subject of my pregnancy, I don’t talk babies, I don’t say anything about it. I figured that if she was comfortable talking about it she would ask me. And sometimes she does.

    I recently had my baby shower and I knew that the week before they were going to find out if the last round of IUI worked. I sent her a msg letting her know that I have my fingers crossed for her and that if it is not good news that I am here for her, and that if the baby shower is too much for her that I would understand if she didn’t feel comfortable coming, I even tried to relate to her a little, as I had a M/C in 09 and my cousin and I would have been due around the same time, and I know it was hard going to the baby shower and visiting them in the hospital. I didn’t even get a reply to that msg, they did turn up to the baby shower tho, which meant a lot to me, but she sat in the corner for most of the day and looked as tho she was having the worst time in the world. The next weekend she asked if she could pop by to give us our baby shower present, which she did, and everything was good, and I thought that maybe she was just having a bad day the day of the baby shower and that we would soon be back to our old selves. She painted us some beautiful canvases and gave us some lovely gifts. A lot of thought went in to them.

    This last week tho things have changed again. We organised for our group of 4 couples to go to dinner on Friday night, I knew from Facebook that both her and her hubby had the flu. I wrote on her status, telling her to get well soon and to let me know if they were still sick on Friday as I can’t risk getting sick again and if they were that we would not go to the dinner. She responded to everyone else that posted on her status but me. Ok, so maybe she missed it. Another status came up about her being sick again later in the week, I said the same thing to her, again she replied to everyone but me. So I posted on her wall telling her that I was missing her and wanted to catch up but I needed to know if they were still unwell. Still no reply. So my husband posted to the group telling them that we are waiting for this other couple to tell us if they are still sick, because if they are we won’t be able to attend dinner. Her husband then posted that they are still sick and that they will be the ones that don’t go to dinner, which we never asked them to. I was quite happy for everyone else to go. In the end the whole dinner got postponed till next week. And I feel terrible.

    To top it off I sent her a msg telling her I was sorry about the dinner but I couldn’t risk it, asking how her week was and what they are doing on the weekend. Still no reply. So I jump on Facebook to have a look, and find that she has written to the girl that organised dinner only 10mins ago asking to do something on the weekend since I cancelled the dinner.

    So now I feel like I am being ignored and that she doesn’t want to talk to me because I am pregnant and she isn’t.

    I don’t know how to broach the subject with her if I call her and she answers. How to you ask someone if they are ignoring you?

    Will this baby effect our friendship for ever? Is this the end of our friendship? How do I help her with whatever emotions she is feeling?

    Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it?

  2. #2
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    I haven't been in your situation but my friends have, 15 years ago my 2 really good girlfriends both got pregnant ( both planned) but one lost the baby at 23 weeks and yes she just could not be around anyone pregnant or with kids ( I was child free) it did put a big strain on our group as she then also had 2 miscarriages so for a few years she distanced herself from everyone except me, thankfully she had her son ( my god-son) and she started coming back into the group
    I think it is just really hard when you desperately want a baby and everyone around you had one, she meant no harm to our friend or her kids but mentally could not put up a brave face so pretty much stopped contact , as hard as it seems just keep inviting her out and talking and try not to be offended if she is not too friendly just yet and let her come back to you when she is ready

  3. #3
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    I have never been in this situation, but I would think that you are going to have to let it go for a little while. Just give her space.

    It seems like, at the moment anyhow, she feels sadness being around you. It would probably take alot of effort not to be jealous, angry, upset and hurt (by the world) when talking to or seeing you.

    I think you should perhaps just back off from getting to the source of the 'problem'.

    Keep everything ultra positive from your end, and keep any questions open ended. Don't stop inviting her to things, but keep it 'come if you like', not 'will you come?'.

    As hard as it is to loose a friend, it must be hard when your best friend has something you so badly want, and inside all you can think is 'why her and not me'... That would make you feel pretty guilty and upset at the same time..

    Hope this helps. As I said I have not been in this position, so I do not speak from experience. But this is how I would feel if I couldn't get pregnant and everyone around me was.

    Good luck

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    I don't know anything about Facebook ... but perhaps she put you on ignore on Facebook at a time when she was feeling emotionally delicate and then forgot about it, and thus just didn't see your messages.

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    I think you need to give her time. It is very stressful and difficult trying to have a baby and struggling. And while you are genuinely thrilled for your pregnant friends it is a constant reminder of your own loss/struggle. So of course she will have ups and downs. Just remain understanding and positive. Don't stress her with your worries and concerns about it, she'll deal with it and come round when she can. Just be a friend and be there when she is ready.

  6. #6
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    I would give her space.

    I have been in this situation, only my friend wasnt hiding the fact she was very angry at me. I didnt see or talk to her for the remaining 7 months of my pregnancy. After i announced my son was born on facebook, she sent me a message as if nothing had happened saying she cant wait to meet him.

    It did end the friendship tho...


    I think you need to take her hints of ignoring you and just leave her be for now until she comes to you (as hard as it is)

  7. #7
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    Speaking from an experience of loss. I went through two miscarriages in the space of 6 months and it took a further 6 months to fall pregnant with my sticky DS. I could not be around pregnant people whatsoever. I couldn't be happy for anyone who was pregnant. I was angry at the world. I would burst into tears walking past a baby section in a shop. I would burst into tears if a pregnant woman or woman with a baby walked past me. I was so incredibly fragile. I wouldn't attend any sort of function that was likely to have babies. I know there are people who are gracious and kind and are genuinely happy for their friends even if they are struggling. I wish I was one of them but I'm not. Sounds to me like she has really tried but it's gotten too much for her. Her feelings are completely understandable and NOT PERSONAL! I can't stress that enough. I know it feels personal and I know it really hurts you but you have to remember it's not your fault. One day when she finally does have her miracle, she'll tell you all about how hard it was for her. I'm sure. And she'll apologise to you for alienating you. But for now, her feelings are so raw and she's grieving and mourning this child she so desperately wants.

    I don't have any advice. I can suggest perhaps messaging her and telling her openly that you feel she's pulling away from you and that you completely understand and know how hard this all must be. Let her know that you will always be there for her and just leave it at that.

    Big I know it's really hard.

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    I agree with PP.
    I would just give her sometime.
    Maybe don't contact her for a week or so (unless she contacts you) and then just give her a call (I personally hate things going through Facebook) to let her know your still around, but from there I would only call her every now and again until she feels ready to contact you.

    My very close friend had 2 children and really wanted more, her husband flat out said no and that he couldn't stay with her if she had more children and is was to much for him to handle, he went and got the snip, obviously she was also questioning her marriage at this stage.

    I fell pregnant 1 month after he got the snip and it was strained between us.
    We stopped talking when I was about 15 weeks pregnant, she just stopped all contact and wouldn't reply to any of my means of contact.

    A few days after DD was born she came and visited me at home as my husband decided to text her telling her I had the baby.
    We went back to being friends after that and it's been great.

    I would give her some space to clear her head and focus on her fertility treatment.
    She would be under a lot of stress.

    Take care and good luck, I hope it all turns out well for you and your friend

  9. #9
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    OP - You sound like a wonderfully understanding and caring friend. I wish I had friends like you!

    But it's a tricky situation to be in, that's for sure. I agree with all the PP's about how your friend is probably struggling to cope. Infertility really does affect your behaviour, emotions and reactions to things.

    I had a thought though, perhaps your friend might be feeling overwhelmed, bombarded or possibly even offended by your 'thoughtfulness'. Like, maybe she feels upset and like you're treating her delicately because you pity her?
    I'm just taking a stab in the dark here. (I personally think it's a lovely gesture that you have tried to anticipate her feelings toward things, but everyone is different).

    Good luck, I hope you and your friend will sort through this in time.


 

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