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  1. #1
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    Default Was I in the wrong to say this to DH?

    I want to preface with I love my husband. I know that everyone can be a bit self centred at times, and that's fine, I know I do it too. But there are times when its just not the right time to be selfish in any way and that's what led to this.

    DH & I were having, lets call it a discussion, over lunch about the baby and birth and all that. And I casually informed him that if he decided to fall asleep or spent the labour complaining he was hungry/tired/sore that he could promptly leave and wait outside or go home. Bottom line - I didn't want to hear his complaints while I was giving birth. He thought this was unfair and said as such and if I was serious because I didn't really have any 'reason or right' to kick him out at the birth of his child. I replied with two previous examples of why I thought I had 'reason or right' (said sarcastically) to say this:

    1. With our first DD, during my labour he complained of a sudden neck pain, made such a song and dance about it that the nurse took him down the ER and he got a shot of pain relief in his neck because he was "so worried he'd miss his childs birth" only to come back up, complain some more, and then fall asleep in the lounge chair. I was more than annoyed, but luckily my mother was also present at DD1's birth so took over. He was awake and helpful during the pushing and the birth, but I was still so annoyed, it was like he stole my thunder IYKWIM.

    2. Our second DD (oh look, two examples and two births) he complained once again that "labour takes so long" and he was getting hungry. He left and went home, a good 15 minutes drive away (oh and we didn't have a car) to have something to eat. It literally made me slow down, I thought labour was going to back off again after so many false starts. I hadn't eaten in several hours because of the pain and here he was gone because it had been three hours since dinner. I rang him and asked what he was doing, he was just resting as he was tired and figured I would call him when it was time. I informed him he had 15 minutes to get his a$$ back or there'd be hell to pay. He came back, things progressed and again he was very helpful.

    I got over the thing with DD1 as we were both young and I'm sure he was as overwhelmed as I was, lucky I had my mum there. I'm still a little ticked off about the DD2 birth, but you move on from these things and try not to dwell. However today, when we were talking, I let my feelings be known. His behaviour and actions caused me to feel more stressed and I felt like I was so focused on what an a$$ he was being that I couldn't totally focus on myself. And I decided this time round, being the third time, if he couldn't be there for me 100% then he might as well not be in the room causing me stress and either leave or go home. He wondered if I could do it without him, I said yes, physically of course I can do it without him, in the end, it's all on my body and I'm the one who gives birth. Mentally and emotionally, no, I really need him there and want him there but if he's there in a selfish capacity then that's extra cr-p I have to deal with that I'm not going to this time.

    He accepted what I said and saw my point of view but still said he didn't think kicking him out was the right thing to do. So was I wrong to say anything? Do I not have the right (after reading all that) to say what I did?

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  3. #2
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    I completly understand what you are saying, DH went and got breakfast for himself and that even annoyed me. I think it's only fair child birth should be all and ONLY about the Mother and Baby.

  4. #3
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    GluttonForPunishment is offline Bubhub Award Winner - 2011- Most Optimistic Poster and Newbie of the Year Awards
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    Perfectly within your rights! Man, I was present for the birth of both of my daughters and I could have had an arm about to fall off, NOTHING would have made me leave ex-DW then.

    You're doing the birthing. He has a history of being a slack a$$. So good for you telling him to really BE there or just don't bother. Hopefully he takes this on board and gets his sh it together this time!

    Good luck with the birthing!

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    You have every right to say what u did. I would have said it after your first birth experience!! He just needs to realise it's not about him when u are in labour. At all. I will be having a talk with my DH if we ever have another after DS2's birth. I can't remember the exact words but he said something along the lines of "geez calm down do u have to make so much noise"?!?! (I was in transition!!) I was furious.

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    Bonkers is offline wishes she was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum, 'cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
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    you were 123% right to say that to him, good on you for standing up for your self, i hope he sucks it up and be's the man you need. goodluck xxx

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    sweetsugardumplin' is offline be the change you want to see in da world
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    Oh my, I would be furious if my DH had behaved like this

    Can you tell your DH exactly what you want him to do, rather then what you don't want him to do.

    I swear, my DH can be so hopeless about what I think is bleedingly obvious! Some men need written instructions

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    id want a support person who would actually support me. not complain i was taking too long!

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    See, I thought I had every right to say what I did and feel the way I did. But I also realize I'm somewhat hormonal, tired and sore, just generally over being pregnant and wanted to make sure that I was telling him in the right way. He still doesn't think I should be 'allowed' to kick him out if it came down to it. I told him as far as I know there isn't any law that says mother must allow father in the room, its at my discretion as I'm the one pushing out a giant watermelon with shoulders.

    It was more a warning, 'if you intend on being slack and unhelpful during the labour and birth then I'd rather you weren't there.'

    Thanks for replying. He's not mad or anything, I know he regrets the way he acted during the births but it's typically him, you know. So I guess this time if he's not going to be there 100% then he can be somewhere else not bugging me. I'll talk to him and set out exactly what he should do, even though I think it would be common sense (yes, don't compare anything happening to you to what the mother is doing) but I'll talk to him.

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    Totally within your rights! I would be very pi55ed if DH had don that, especially your 2nd!!

    I laugh with DH no that my labour was long and he was bored but would have been very angry if he had mentioned this at the time.

    Sent from my LT15i

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    I have had a similar discussion with my DH. First child, he spent more time outside (as in outside the hospital) on the phone "ringing everyone to update them". He was actually chuffing down as many ciggies as he could while on the phone.

    Second time round, he came straight from work. I didn't care if he was covered in concrete and dirt, I wanted him there because things were moving fast.... He still went home (we didn't have a car) and had a shower etc and came back- only to spend most of the time... You guessed it.... Outside on the phone (again chuffing down as many ciggies as possible). I was sooooo not impressed. In fact because of it, he almost missed the birth completely. We had to send someone to go get him and he made it back in as she was crowning.

    This time I have said so many times already he is NOT to ring anyone apart from his mum (so she can organize to get down as she lives 2 hours away), my mum and my grandad if needed. Anyone else can wait until AFTER the baby is born. Nobody needs to know the progress of the labour, how many cm's I am or anything like that. He has said he will still be ducking out for smokes and even had a place picked.... The hospital is on the river which is good fishing so he even had the nerve to say he might throw a ok line in.... You can imagine how THAT went down even if it was meant as a joke. I have made it clear to him that he is NOT leaving the room. At all. And if he does be will NOT be coming back in. He made a big song and dance about this, and how I can't stop him. To which I said yes I can, the midwives will not let you back in if I say I dont want you there. And quite frankly I will have more important things to focus and don't need to be worrying about how far away you are and if you will be back in time.


 

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