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  1. #1
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    Default A question about the "Do you have kids" question...

    Firstly, can I please stress with all my heart that I mean no offence by my question. I have a few friends who are not like BFF's but you know, just friends who I am particularly asking about. I seem to be (probably because I'm older than them), a person who they like to talk to about the difficulties they are experiencing in conceiving - one has been trying to fall pregnant for several years. I read the thread about being asked "Do you have kids" and I see that it's a question that understandably upsets many ladies who are on a conception journey. I would like some advice on how I should respond when I'm told by someone that they have been trying for a long time. In the past I've always just tried to speak from the heart, to sympathise, but with sincerity and to be positive and hopeful for them, but mostly to be a listening ear. Now I feel like I may not be saying the right things. Would it perhaps be most appropriate to give them a hug (they're huggy people) and just say that I have my fingers crossed for them or I'm thinking of them, or maybe that I hope they have success soon. It's hard, because I really do care about them and I really do hope they fall pregnant, I even get really upset for them when they tell me. Is there a "right" thing to say? I don't want them to go away thinking "Geez, that's the last time I tell her anything...". Any advice?

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    I think the issue is more when people ask "when are you having a/another baby?" without having any idea that the person or couple might be experiencing infertility.

    My advice to you is, if they chose go talk about it with you, just listen, offer a hug and tell them you hope it works out (what ever fertility treatment they are using/considering). Just let them do the talking and be the listener. Don't go suggesting crazy things like keep your legs in the air after they dtd. Because you will make yourself look silly and they will become frustrated because it takes a lot more than that to help a fertility challenged couple...hope that helps.

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    I always just smile and say, "That's fine...sometimes it takes time" because that is true! It really is fine and it does take time sometimes. There's nothing else you can really say to help the person feel better because it doesn't feel nice to have to wait for so long and put in so much "effort"

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    What a lovely person you are to ask this question. I wish people around me would ask me what I would like them to say!!

    What I would like to hear is "I'm sorry for you, it must be hard, I'll pray/keep fingers crossed for you" with a hug, no advice unless you've been through IVF yourself.

    What I HATE more than anything is "have you tried this/that" (of course I have), "I know/understand how you feel" (being pregnant or a mother you have absolutely no idea how I feel) "when you stop trying so hard it'll happen" (actually, no, that's not how it works with IVF!!) and my favourite at the moment from my mother "I've got a feeling you'll be pregnant by the end of the year" (I've got a feeling I'll storm out of the room in a minute!!)

    You're a lovely person to be concerned for your friends welfare.

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    Default Re: A question about the "Do you have kids" question...

    its lovely that you care so much! Agree with the above posters. I think an offer to be around to debrief or to take them out for a coffee or movie and talk about anything but ivf is a really good idea as well. A couple of my friends have said that to me and it means so much x

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    Don't give up because my partner and I were trying for ages before we conceived naturally. I was so desperate I consulted Vine, a psychic over the phone and she told me that I had to surrender and let go. Two months later I fell pregnant. I think we have to find our own way and even the best intentioned friends know we will get there eventually.

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    I think there is no right or wrong thing to do or say. I've heard all kinds of things but if it were me I would say to them. I really hope your journey brings everything you want. I am here if you want to vent or talk about it I obviously don't understand everything you are going through but I will try to be here for you through it all. i understand that fertility treatments are there to be used if you need any help getting to an appointment I am happy to take you if DP isn't around at the time or you would like a female companion to talk to or someone to cry with when you get your period

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    You sound like a lovely person, so I don't think it would be possible to say the wrong thing.
    Also, don't forget that it's perfectly okay to say to someone that you don't know what to say, you could say, "this is such a sensitive subject, I hope it's okay for me to say...." and see if you can get a sense as to what sort of support they need

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    Yes it's a hard one... and as a fertility-challenged woman for 8 years now, the most advice I could give you is what NOT to say!
    Don't say:
    • Just relax... it'll happen
    • Go on a holiday and forget about it
    • Maybe you should try eating/ drinking these types of foods/ drinks
    • I have friends who did gazillion IVF cycles and then as soon as they gave up, whammo, they got pregnant
    • Don't worry, it'll happen soon
    I think the nicest thing I hear from other women (who have had no problems getting pregnant) is when they admit that they don't know what to say. Also listening really well is a good quality. Like COMPLETELY knowing every detail of the procedure they might be going through and asking how it went when it's happened. Really being there through every step. Not being one of those people who is only half listening and having to ask the details repeatedly.

    At the end of the day, I think all women like to be listened to...

  11. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by soonerthanlater View Post
    ...and my favourite at the moment from my mother "I've got a feeling you'll be pregnant by the end of the year" (I've got a feeling I'll storm out of the room in a minute!!)
    I didn't know my mother had a secret other daughter I've hung up on her a couple of times for saying stuff like this.

    op - good on you for asking. Before I started ttc & didn't know how emotionally draining it is, one of my friends shared that she was upset about it taking so long for her to fall pg & I said "Don't worry, I'm sure it will happen soon, If you stop stressing it might help". It didn't seem to upset her, but I know I'd be upset/angry if someone said that to me. I don't talk about it with many people though because I don't want to put them in the difficult position of not knowing what to say.


    "...dreaming of a belly full of life"


 

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