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  1. #1
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    Default How to deal with a tantrum?

    Hello everyone.

    Well DD turns 1 in 11 days. I thought tantrums started at 2. I don't know what to do anymore or how to handle it.

    She is throwing tantrums left, right and centre. She is actually 60% of the time, quite grizzly. But it's getting to the point where her whole body gets hard and stiff and she screams black and blue, especially when she wants something she can't have that I may be holding or may be in front of her. For example, my coffee, mobile, scissors, USB dongle.

    I try distracting her and it doesn't work. I walk away, it doesn't work. I turn my back, I ignore, I yell, nothing works. She especially gets ****ty when she pulls up on me and gets grumpy/whingy and I refuse to pick her up; like last night when I was cutting raw chicken.

    We've put a safety gate up so she can't get into the kitchen and she bangs on the gates screaming to get to me. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm seeing my Dr tonight to talk to her about PND or anxiety because it's getting to the point where I'm ending up in tears.

    We've been told that she is gifted and needs to be extra stimulated intellectually, but she isn't interested and just cracks the sh!ts.

    Any suggestions? I can't write, speak, talk properly. I'm exhausted.

  2. #2
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    two words. WALK AWAY, i know you say it doenst work but consistancy is the key.

    Theres no point in trying to reason with a trantrum throwing toddler!!! Walk away, wait til she calms down and then try to reason with her.
    The only thing that will come out of giving her ANY attention while she tantrums is MORE TANTRUMS!!!

    I know its hard but you really MUST walk away! I used to do this when my DD was throwing tantrums and i still do it with my DS (18 months)...even at the shops!
    DD very rarely throws tantrums now (3.5 years old)!!
    Good luck

    How much does she sleep?? Sounds like she might be tired??
    Last edited by jennibear; 14-06-2012 at 11:41.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by jennibear View Post
    How much does she sleep?? Sounds like she might be tired??
    No she's an excellent sleeper during the day, has 3-4 hours all up in 1.5 - 2 hr naps.

    So if I walk away and she follows me, do I just continue to ignore her until she settles down? We're in a tiny open plan unit, so it's hard to escape

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    Quote Originally Posted by WhiteTulips View Post
    No she's an excellent sleeper during the day, has 3-4 hours all up in 1.5 - 2 hr naps.

    So if I walk away and she follows me, do I just continue to ignore her until she settles down? We're in a tiny open plan unit, so it's hard to escape
    Yes unfortunatley. I KNOW its soooo hard. But really truely, the BEST thing you can do is ignore her.

    You could try saying 'calm down' every few minutes (just so she knows your still 'around'). But just make sure you ONLY say 'calm down', dont try and engage her...she must calm down before YOU will talk/play with her. There really truely is NO point trying to talk to a toddler who is tantruming (they are SOOO into their tantrum that nothing else matters)
    She sounds like a very strong willed little girl (thats a good thing, trust me).

    Do you play with her?? Those tupperware 'shape balls' would be good for her, or stacking blocks. It will probably (hopefully for you) calm down once she can talk to you a bit. Id say its mostly frustration and not being able to communicate that are causing the tantrums. You could try 'baby sign' http://www.babysignsaustralia.com.au/ to help with the communication.
    remember YOU are the mum, YOU make the rules!

    Good luck

  6. #5
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    sweetsugardumplin' is offline be the change you want to see in da world
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    I don't agree with walking away
    Ch'n tantrum because they are overwhelmed with what they are feeling: anger and frustration usually....to walk away actually adds another feeling - abandonment.

    It's okay so say `No' because you don't want her to play with: scissors, hot coffee etc.

    You could exchange what she wants, for something she can have - while explaining why she can't have the sharp scissors or the hot coffee.

    Eg. You can't have Mummy's coffee because it is HOT, but you can have your sippy cup/bottle

    You can't have the grown up scissors because they are sharp , but you can have your scissors (before you say this purchase a pair of children's scissors at your local supermarket/newsagency )

    She will still tantrum and that's okay, she's angry and annoyed that she can't have what she wants....but don't leave her. Sit near her, acknowledge her feelings "I know you are angry because you can't have the hot coffee" when the tantrum subsides ask her if she would like a cuddle, she may say no, and that's okay, once the tantrum has passed - support her to find something else to focus on......maybe a cuddle and a story, some cutting with her new scissors

    She needs you to make rules that keep her safe. It's okay to be angry because she doesn't like your rules, she then tantrums because she is flooded and overwhelmed with her feelings...she needs your help, support and love to work through her feelings

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    I also have a tantrumer and I think both of the above ways to deal with it work! We have managed to cut tantrum time to a short 10 seconds and occasion drastically (dd is 15 months).
    For me it's about gauging her mood. She identifies as a tactile child so being touched really helps her work out what her feelings are. So sometimes I know helping her by swapping things out gently explaining why helps and other times stepping over her and walking away helps her coz she desperately needs me so that tantrum stops coz she runs after me for a cuddle!
    I have also found that regardless of how busy I am, if I don't give her quality cuddle time at certain points of the day she is a nightmare! I'm more able to cook dinner if I spend 10 mins or so really touching her and giving her the next 30 mins fill so I can do something else.
    May all sound weird the touchy feely stuff but it really works for us I always knew she was tactile (she is obviously so) but the book child sense by priscilla dunstan gave us tools to help her and us

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    read this book Every parent by Matthew R. Sanders.

    My developmental psychology lecturer recommended it to me and it is great.

    On top of that I would:

    1. make sure she is not tired, hungry or in pain (ear infections etc)
    2. check her diet - there are plenty of additives that are linked to behavioural issues.
    3. I second not walking away, but trying to help her calm down - kids don't learn to control their own feelings until they are around 3 - before then they often need an adults help to calm them down.
    4. make sure she is getting adequate time in with attention.
    5. try to find a way to give yourself a break - it sounds as though it is getting too much for you (which is understandable).

    But read the book - it has solutions for behavioural issues from children aged 1 to 12 months.

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    Different things worked at different ages for us. At 1, a cuddle worked and he would snap out of it. A few months later and a cuddle would get him even more worked up and he would flail around often hurting me. So I would leave him on the floor but stay close. If that didn't work, I would walk away but stay close but out of sight. He would often follow me and we'd have cuddles. No matter what I did, we always cuddled after and I would gently explain again why he couldn't do/have whatever it was.

    I agree consistency is the way to go. Do one thing constantly for a few days before deciding it isn't working and talk in a low soft voice to them.

    It is hard, but it does get better. I agree with the PP that it's how they vent their frustration. At 1 their desire to do things doesn't match their ability and as that evens up, the tantrums get less.

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    Thanks all for your advice.

    I've tried a few things and nothing really works, but like said, I will persevere and hopefully when she's walking, the tantrums will ease.

    Last night was a tough one, ended up in tears and DF found me on the couch a wreck whilst DD was sitting next to me grumbling

    Sent from my GT-I5503T using BubHub

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    Grandma is the secret weapon in my house, if any of the kids chuck tantrums, I threaten to take their photo and send it to grandma. amazingly, they calm down almost straight away. Why? because I have sent photos to grandma and she has called them on the phone to find out why they are making such a fuss. disarms every time, and we have had some doozys of tantrums in public places. every time photos are mentioned, I get a behaved child. No smacks, no yelling, just a fear of disappointing grandma... I think it is really about christmas, but it works.

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