I don't know how to start this. It will probably look like it's in the wrong section, because I have to tell the story first...but I'm in a very deep, very dark hole because of the following events, and I need help out of it.
For those that don't know, FOB ended our relationship a month ago, when I was 32 weeks pregnant.
Before all of that happened, I was hospitalised in mid April and almost lost my life. I had an infection of some kind that took over my whole body, and developed severe pneumonia. I was on life support for 4 days, and I/the doctors expected DS2 to be delivered at 28 weeks. It was very traumatic for everyone, but strangely, not me. I barely remember anything. I remember being "100% sure" that when I woke from the induced coma, I would not be pregnant any more and was prepared for a massive breakdown...but I don't even remember waking up. It was sort of just like I'd dreamt that they were putting me to sleep, and then woke up in the morning and everything was okay. I have a few vague memories from when the anaesthesia was wearing off - them removing tubes and my throat killing me, asking for a drink and not being allowed to have one...but all in all, it really feels like nothing happened.
The whole thing is still a blur. FOB had been in Melbourne for a convention the week prior to my hospitalisation, and we hadn't spoken a whole lot because I was sooking that he'd left in the first place. I was admitted to the emergency room at around 3am, and he was home that afternoon. I don't remember anything before the induced coma, only the days in hospital that followed. One of my clearest memories is him standing by my bedside crying and holding my hand, as more and more doctors were rushing into the room, putting me under, and telling him and my mum that they couldn't be in the room.
So there's all that. Now - the relationship breakdown. From my very earliest memories after the anaesthesia wore off, he was acting weird. Distant, even. Every time he was at the hospital, and a family member of mine arrived, he would leave. If I told him that X family member was going to be there for the day, he wouldn't come. He didn't initially say that was why, just had a bunch of other excuses. I eventually asked him about it, and he was very cagey...after many discussions, I all but beat it out of him - my BIL and my mother, on separate occasions while I was in the coma had had very stern words with him telling him to stop screwing around, and ask me to marry him, or to move out with me at the very least (yes, I know, one child and one on the way and we don't live together, shock horror, but really not the issue here). He said that he informed them all that he was planning to do both of those things.
He didn't take to this very kindly, and in his own words "will never be comfortable around my family again". I explained to him that it's to be expected after 5 years and two kids, and apologised on their behalf for any lack of tact in approaching the matter, but I thought that most of what they'd said to him was pretty true.
He said all of that was fine, agreed that it would be water under the bridge. That was while I was still in hospital. He had said that he was going to stay with me for the first week or so after I got back, as I was still very weak and needing a lot of help with DS1. He stayed the first night, was awkward and miserable as all hell, so the next day I told him to go home and have some time to himself, if that's what he needed, and he left.
I think I saw him maybe...one time after that, and to be honest I can't remember a single thing about it. Then the next time, he ended our relationship.
So since then...I've been a complete mess. I haven't gone a single day without crying at least a few different times. I feel like I haven't had a chance to breathe since I was admitted to hospital...everything has been such a whirlwind, and I don't even understand how or why this has happened. We have had major issues in the past. FOB ended our relationship for the first time when I was 14 weeks pregnant with DS1, but we decided to give things another go when he was about 6-7 months old. It started out great, went a bit bad, but since we found out about this pregnancy, things had been fantastic. The best they'd ever been. We were sorting out our issues, and had planned to renovate the 4 car garage on his parents property and turn it into a little house that we could share. We'd budgeted, and talked about buying land asap, to build a home, talked about me working next year to help out with funds, budgeted for buying a family car, as silly as it sounds...we even picked which dog we'd get, once the boys were older. It seemed like things were really about to take off, at last.
The plan for the garage fell through - his parents were forced to sell their home...but all wasn't lost. We started working out a budget for renting a home, started looking, picking suburbs that we liked/could afford. Everything was great.
The week before he went to Melbourne, we'd gone to the Easter Show. The day was horrible, DS1 whinged the entire time, and I had excruciating lower back pain (later realised that was the kidney infection getting bad), but the time together was lovely. At one point we were walking around the shopping pavilion of the show, and there was this amazing little antique jeweller in there. I showed him a ring that I absolutely adored, he asked if I wanted to try it on. I declined because I was in tremendous pain and hardly in the mood, so he took the lady's card, with all her contact info.
This is perhaps the most confusing memory I have. That was on the 7th of April. I was hospitalised on the 17th.
So...here I am now. Since my episode in hospital, I've had to transfer to that hospital, instead of the one I originally intended to birth in, as I am "very high risk". I've been screwed around so much regarding whether I will be induced or not. They originally told me 36-40 weeks, then 37-38, then 40.
It seems that sometime after FOB ended the relationship, I, for some reason, developed a severe anxiety about the birth. I was convinced that either because of complications of the induction, or complications of the blood thinners I now have to inject twice daily, I was going to die during/after the birth. That, and the emotional and physical strain that I am under.
I like to think that I am generally a strong person. DS1's birth was a breeze. Natural, drug free, easy. But since I left hospital, I get a slight twinge of back pain, and I feel like curling up into a ball and crying because I just can't cope with it. I can't imagine how I am going to be able to birth a baby...I just don't have the strength. Over the weeks I feel as though I've "come to terms" with that outcome - the baby making it through, but me not. I feel strangely..."at peace" with it.
At my last appointment, last Wednesday, they informed me that they will not be inducing me at all. When I told everyone, they told me that I must be so overjoyed, and that now I could relax...and it was then that I realised...I was disappointed That sounds so terrible, and it's so hard to admit those words in writing.
Without the induction and all the problems I was anxious about...the birth would probably be fine, and normal. I realised that I didn't want it to be fine. I want the baby to be fine, of course...but I can't say the same for myself.
Since then I have just been going down hill. I have tried everything to get FOB to talk about our relationship. All he has to say is that he "wasn't happy", and is never doing it again.
So what were the last few months then? I feel like this can't be real. We WERE happy. We were planning a life together. A real one, finally. The first time we separated I was miserable, but I understood. Things had been bad for a while....but this time, they really, honestly were not.
He won't discuss it. And I just feel...everything and nothing at the same time. I feel like my whole world is shattered. I hate myself for letting it get this way, but I can't see the future without him. There's nothing...just emptiness, an infinite black hole.
I spend my days thinking of every time I ever snapped at him, or did/didn't do something, and wishing I could take back whatever I did wrong.
The one thing I will say, is that I am still giving my all to DS1, and I'm proud of that, because honestly...I don't know how I'm even getting out of bed in the morning, the way I feel. I hold it all in, all day, because I don't want him to see how much pain I am in. The second he goes to bed...the dam wall breaks, and I just lie in bed for hours, and cry, and cry, and cry.
All I want is for things to go back to how they were, or end. My mother said to me last night "the days ahead will get better, and you will get happier." All I thought was "there are days ahead? God, please no." I don't want there to be days ahead, I can't do this.
I don't want any harm to come to this baby, but I don't want to be pregnant any more, because I feel like the fact that I have to keep him alive, is the only thing that is keeping me alive.
I must sound so pathetic. But this man...this family, my entire existence revolved around it. Us, as a family. Now I don't have that, and I just feel like I can't do it without him. Anything. And if I can, I don't want to. I don't understand what happened....and I cannot explain how I feel. Despair is a word that comes to mind.
And then last night...the worst thing in the world happened. I realised I feel somewhat unattached to this baby I am a horrible mother. How can I not be?? But the thing is, I was. I was until I was hospitalised, and then everything happened. I feel the instinct to protect him from harm, and to keep him healthy...but that's all. Just typing this is making me cry, because I don't understand why I feel like this now, when I didn't before. I hate myself for it, so much.
I have booked in to see my GP next week, that's the earliest appointment I could get. To be honest, I don't know if I will go. I know I need to get help, I know I can't go on like this...but it's just that now that FOB and I aren't together, I'm so terrified that if I seek help, it will be a black mark against my name, and they will take the boys off me. I couldn't bear it
I feel like the world has stopped turning. Every single day drags on, and I can't wait for it to end. I'm choking back tears every minute of every day. I don't eat, I don't sleep...I realised this morning that since hearing that I wouldn't be induced, I haven't injected a single dose of the blood thinner that I'm supposed to be taking twice a day. And that's because I know it doesn't affect the baby. They've told me that if I get more blood clots, it won't make any difference to him, but it will be bad for me...and that's the one person I don't care about.
I just don't know what to do. I will probably have to remove this in a while because I've had people I know IRL stalk me on here, but I just had to get it out. I don't know what I'm expecting to get from this...but if you've kept reading until the end, then thank you.