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  1. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I would flee, change my name by deed poll and access DV services... but yes I see your point. But for ME, at a time like that my kids would need me more than ever.

    But you do make some valid points
    Agree with this. I know a mother who did exactly this with her 3 children. Their father hasn't a clue how to track them as their names are different now. Very bad situation. Unfortunately when the youngest turned 14 the mother found her self in permanent mental hospital after the years of abuse from the ex. Thankfully the older two were 17 and 20 and managed to parent the 14year old. The 17 year old found god and became a priest. 14 year old has forever struggled and the 20 year old also has alot of demons (all older now) they ran away from their abusive father when they were young children but old enough to have permanent damage

  2. #82
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    Quote Originally Posted by share a book View Post
    Another scenario. Partner turns abusive. If you leave with the kids there is a good chance he will kill all of you. If you leave without the kids there is no other adult to protect them. So you give them up and place them into care. If you leave and fight to get them back there is a good chance they will be in danger. Do you risk that and fight it anyway, or leave them in care and see them often?

    Mental illness can cause people to become abusive.
    One of my best friends went through this, there where also drugs involved and she took the kids, went into hiding then moved interstate. Not once did she give up her children who needed her the most during this time.

  3. #83
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    My husbands siblings (a lot younger then him) have been in and out of foster care their entire lives, and DH has been abandoned by not only one but both parents at different times in his life.

    We became kinship carers (foster carers but family) of the siblings when they had yet again been placed into foster care. It was trigger we take them or they get split up and sent to different towns and placed with strangers. They have dealt with being abandoned their whole life. They were with us almost 2 years. The oldest said she didn't want to go back to mil, she wanted to stay with us. Unfortunately at the time we just weren't in a position to have her live with us any more. They were place ld back with mil, things went well for a while then fell apart again. Mil fell seriously ill and ended up in ICU, and wasn't expected to live. The kids were place in tempory care. The oldest (15 year old girl) was with a friends parents (who applied to be her carers). They constantly told her they only wanted her there for the money, they didn't care about her and so on. She rang us in tears on several occasions and we made the choice to have her move with us. It wasn't a easy choice- we lived in a different town and it involved her moving towns, leaving her friends and starting a new school. We left the decision up to her, but she didn't hesitate. The court order is up in 2 weeks. Mil is well enough to have the children back in her care- and the health issues have given her a much needed wake up call. The younger two are going back to her, but she has expressed her wish that the one with us remain with us. For several reasons. One being the girl actually wants to stay with us and we are able to have her this time, another being her grades and school work as well as her behavior has improved ten fold.

  4. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by share a book View Post
    Another scenario. Partner turns abusive. If you leave with the kids there is a good chance he will kill all of you. If you leave without the kids there is no other adult to protect them. So you give them up and place them into care. If you leave and fight to get them back there is a good chance they will be in danger. Do you risk that and fight it anyway, or leave them in care and see them often?

    Mental illness can cause people to become abusive.
    What about getting a restraining order/custody and going into hiding at a refuge?

  5. #85
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    If I was completely and totally incapacitated, like a quadriplegic with severe brain damage or if I was dead. There is no other excuse to give your children away IMO. If you "can't cope" or are abusing a substance or your child you need to wake the f*#^ up and look after the little people you created. If you can't raise them yourself, don't have them. Simple. And if you have one and can't cope, make damn sure you NEVER have another.

  6. #86
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    Quote Originally Posted by mummykahla View Post
    If I was completely and totally incapacitated, like a quadriplegic with severe brain damage or if I was dead. There is no other excuse to give your children away IMO. If you "can't cope" or are abusing a substance or your child you need to wake the f*#^ up and look after the little people you created. If you can't raise them yourself, don't have them. Simple. And if you have one and can't cope, make damn sure you NEVER have another.

    god, if only it was that black and white.

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  8. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by mummykahla View Post
    If I was completely and totally incapacitated, like a quadriplegic with severe brain damage or if I was dead. There is no other excuse to give your children away IMO. If you "can't cope" or are abusing a substance or your child you need to wake the f*#^ up and look after the little people you created. If you can't raise them yourself, don't have them. Simple. And if you have one and can't cope, make damn sure you NEVER have another.
    That's absolutely ridiculous. The thread has nothing to do with the things you just mentioned. It's funny people think they and their families are so invincible. No not.funny. sad.. 15 Years ago my aunt had four children including a set of twins. She was the ultimate earth.mother. she was still exclusively breastfeeding her two year old twins, into homebirths and saving the earth etc .. She was single and her childrens father had gone walk about. One day she awoke to find my two year old cousin drowned. She never ever recovered emotionally from that and spiralled into a terrible place. My mum and another family member constantly cared for the kids for years but eventually she did give away custody but remained in their life. I'm sure she never really forgave herself but life is cruel sometimes.

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  10. #88
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    Quote Originally Posted by mummykahla View Post
    If I was completely and totally incapacitated, like a quadriplegic with severe brain damage or if I was dead. There is no other excuse to give your children away IMO. If you "can't cope" or are abusing a substance or your child you need to wake the f*#^ up and look after the little people you created. If you can't raise them yourself, don't have them. Simple. And if you have one and can't cope, make damn sure you NEVER have another.
    I feel quite hurt reading that. Glad to hear life is a bed of roses for you unlike many others out there.

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  12. #89
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    Quote Originally Posted by share a book View Post
    Another scenario. Partner turns abusive. If you leave with the kids there is a good chance he will kill all of you. If you leave without the kids there is no other adult to protect them. So you give them up and place them into care. If you leave and fight to get them back there is a good chance they will be in danger. Do you risk that and fight it anyway, or leave them in care and see them often?

    Mental illness can cause people to become abusive.
    This is exactly why my mother left us kids. In the early 70's there wasn't the legal protection available like there is now, DV was a joke.

  13. #90
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    I guess some women think that now is going to last forever.

    Sadly, life does not work like that.
    Most single mums were once happy in relationships and thinking it would be like that forever.
    Most women with drug issues, started out fine and thought it would never take over.
    Most women with mental illness never thought it would happen to them.

    So what were they to do? invest in a crystal ball? or should all women just stop procreating just in case.

    Foster care sucks. I was fostered for ages. I hated it...
    But I hated home even more and at least I was safe in care.

    sure glad no one stopped my mum from having me as I am pretty damn awesome and have gone on to create awesome kids.

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