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  1. #71
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    What do people consider 'not coping' for them? a mental illness or just not enjoying parenting? if people here come to the point they truly hated being a parent would they give up custody? would you seek counselling, soldier on, or would you consider it best for your children to be raised by someone who wanted to parent them? no judgement just an honest question
    I know a mum with 2 girls who did not cope with life. People suggested temporary foster care, she refused. Said she was their mother, they had to stay with her. The twins were about 9 when their mother was found swinging from a rope by one of them.

    It's easy for people to judge, but when people say it can come down to having their kids in care or ending their life, I believe them now.

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    bumMum  (11-06-2012),chameleon  (11-06-2012),delirium  (11-06-2012),Theophania  (11-06-2012)

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    Would that be considered mental illness though? You raise a good point though. My DH was abandoned by his father as a small child (and I know we aren't actually talking about just dropping off the face of the earth but relinquishing custody) and to this day he is really badly effected. He maintains the tough upper lip but I know how much it has hurt him. So I guess I'm basing my difficulty in understanding partially on him.

    But surely being given to a loving family is better than having a parent committing suicide ....

    I suppose for some of us it is cut and dry and for others it isn't

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    Theophania is offline 'see what had happened was..there were these three ninjas and a blue monkey and well it really wasn't my fault..'
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    Life is never black and white... Some people don't see the grey though

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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    What do people consider 'not coping' for them? a mental illness or just not enjoying parenting? if people here come to the point they truly hated being a parent would they give up custody? would you seek counselling, soldier on, or would you consider it best for your children to be raised by someone who wanted to parent them? no judgement just an honest question
    I would stop having babies for a start.

    For me personally, I would be more broken without my kids. I've been through some tough times, but not having them with me is not a consideration. They make me stronger - so to answer your question I would soldier on, seek help...

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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    What do people consider 'not coping' for them? a mental illness or just not enjoying parenting? if people here come to the point they truly hated being a parent would they give up custody? would you seek counselling, soldier on, or would you consider it best for your children to be raised by someone who wanted to parent them? no judgement just an honest question
    For me it's a mix. I have a reached that point of hating being a parent. And I honestly thought the best thing for y child would be to live with someone who could offer her the love and support she deserved. It was never going to be a permanent situation (unless my daughter was of an age where she expressed her wish that it was). It was the only way I felt I could find the help and support needed to improve myself and better myself and become the mother I wanted.

    Basically it reached a point that I knew I couldn't look after myself and give myself the love and respect I deserved so there was no way I could give it to my child.

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    I replied with just death...

    But I would like to expand by saying that is just my personal position at the moment.

    "if" I ever got to a point where I needed to "sort" myself out I am lucky enough to have my partner whom I know would support me in getting what ever help I needed.

    I sincerely feel for anyone who gets to a stage in their life where their children are better off living with someone else. Hopefully that will never be me.

    My "grandfather" walked out on his wife, my father & his sister... Then a year later my "grandmother" just never went home and left my father & his sister completely and utterly alone because "she never wanted to be a mother" - at 14 & 17... It had a very big impact on both of them and even though he has forgiven them I know it has made him the man he is today.

    My mothers sister had 5 children and used to leave them with my mother & grandmother a lot and for long periods while we were growing up - ending up with 2 of my cousins living with us permanently for many years.
    None of my 5 cousins have anything to do with her now, and they have spoken at length the feeling of abandonment they still struggle to cope with. I think the fact she never coped with even having one child and would 'dump' that child regularly with others yet kept on to have 4 more children is just very sad.

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    Another thing that effects me at the moment is my ex abandoning DD, it has now been more than 3 months since she saw him all because he didn't like something's I had to say and he's going through a difficult time (got busted sleeping with his best mates GF and tried to bring DD into it) and seeing the pain she is going through as a result of this again, there is no way I could do it.

    Yes respite, over night, day outing, but not give up custody until I decide I'm ready to be a mum again.

    With my mental health, DD is the only thing that keeps me sane, around her was the only time I wasn't breaking down in tears and spent many hours playing her games to forget what was actually going on around me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Theophania View Post
    Life is never black and white... Some people don't see the grey though
    For me it isn't grey but I can understand for others it is.

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    Another scenario. Partner turns abusive. If you leave with the kids there is a good chance he will kill all of you. If you leave without the kids there is no other adult to protect them. So you give them up and place them into care. If you leave and fight to get them back there is a good chance they will be in danger. Do you risk that and fight it anyway, or leave them in care and see them often?

    Mental illness can cause people to become abusive.

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    Quote Originally Posted by share a book View Post
    Another scenario. Partner turns abusive. If you leave with the kids there is a good chance he will kill all of you. If you leave without the kids there is no other adult to protect them. So you give them up and place them into care. If you leave and fight to get them back there is a good chance they will be in danger. Do you risk that and fight it anyway, or leave them in care and see them often?

    Mental illness can cause people to become abusive.
    I would flee, change my name by deed poll and access DV services... but yes I see your point. But for ME, at a time like that my kids would need me more than ever.

    But you do make some valid points


 
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