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  1. #101
    Gothel's Avatar
    Gothel is offline Skip the drama, stay with Mama!
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    If I was unsupported and unable too support them, eg financially broke and facing homelessness... But I would move heaven and earth to get them back with me asap

    The other scenario I can see is mental illness, just being unable to cope. things would have to be fairly bad before I got to the point of giving them away, and at that point it'd not like you can just flick a switch and say 'ok i'm better now...' You can get all the help and advice in the world but sometimes people are just not ready or able to take it.

  2. #102
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    I also want to add that when I was 11, my mum and dad were very badly injured in a near fatal car accident. I had to go and live with my sister and her husband because my mum and dad were in hospital for a while and then had a long recovery after leaving hospital and they couldn't look after me during that time.

    You never know what is going to happen.

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  4. #103
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jakois View Post
    Giving up being a primary care giver because your child/ren don't fit into your life anymore is where I'm struggling to understand as well.

    In my field of work I've seen how damaging abandonment/absent parents can be for adolescents.

    For me, I would hope that someone would at the very least access all the family support networks available to them. Children are resilient. If they can see that mum/dad are making steps to getting the family unit functioning again, they generally recover well from periods of separation.

    But if they see mum/dad going off and starting a new life without them, that leaves some significant emotional damage.

    It's just something I find really difficult to understand. Not because I want to be a judgmental bish, but because I can/have seen the affect this kind of thing has on children as they grow up.
    I have seen it too. I've seen people flit in and out of their child's life and have seen people walk away and start fresh. I don't understand it either. But other situations are very different.

    I have seen a situation, though, as mentioned earlier. Mum had kids young with an abusive older man. Dad posed a threat to only Mum at the start, but then turned on the kids. She was there to protect them, but if she left there was no guarantee he would always have supervised access. If she had the money and support she would have fled, but without money, transport or anyone to help it just can't always happen. However, if she reported them all to DOCS she got the kids taken off her. If she then left him, same deal, it would go through family court and he could behave himself until he could get unsupervised access then who could protect them? So she stayed, knowing the abuse would continue, in order for him not to have access to the kids until they turn 18. Those who say it would be easy must never have dealt with the legal system, self esteem issues or povert, much less the 3 combined when fearing for the life of children.

    There are many who are unable to provide for them because of finances. One family sent the child to live with her god parents at 11 because they were unable to afford a better life. They still sent things from home, saw her on the holidays and kept in touch with letters. She was an only child, but has about 20 cousins. She is the only one without a drug addiction, the only one who went past year 8, the first in the family to work full time and the first to attend uni, with her daughter set to attend uni next year. She loves her parents, thanks them for what they did.

    However, in both situations no future kids were produced.

  5. #104
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jakois View Post
    Children are resilient.
    No, they are not. Children are children. SOME people are resilient, but they are not resilient simply cause they are children

    Things that happen to children stay with them FOR.THE.REST.OF.THEIR.LIVES.

    *IF* kids were so resilient;

    why are so many adults needing professional help for sh1t that happened when they were kids?

    why do so many of us remember really awful things that happened whenwe were kids

    why do so many kids in foster care and kinship care suffer RAD?

    why do we build confidence and try to be careful of the language we use around kids?

    why is raising kids such a minefield?

    Kids are not rubber bands,they are like wet concrete - everything you drop on them leaves a mark.

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  7. #105
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    It's too depressing to think about. DD is my everything. When I'm feeling sad she makes me happy, when im angry she calms me down.

    She is like a natural anti-depressant for me.

  8. #106
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    There's no way I will believe or agree that children will just let things slide.

    They might at the time, before they're able to understand what's going on, but I have no doubts that most will end up with some sort of issues as a result of these kinds of decisions. They might be minor or major issues, but issues nonetheless.

    I would never be so silly as to believe that just because my daughter has ME in her life (her mother) and has a father figure in DP, that her father abandoning her and starting afresh with a new family isn't going to damage her in future. Of course it will. I can't "make up," for the fact he's a douche, even if I do everything right. Those scars won't disappear just because I'm doing all I can to be a good parent to her.

    I just think it's foolish to believe that these kinds of huge decisions have no impact on children.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SassyMummy View Post
    There's no way I will believe or agree that children will just let things slide.

    They might at the time, before they're able to understand what's going on, but I have no doubts that most will end up with some sort of issues as a result of these kinds of decisions. They might be minor or major issues, but issues nonetheless.

    I would never be so silly as to believe that just because my daughter has ME in her life (her mother) and has a father figure in DP, that her father abandoning her and starting afresh with a new family isn't going to damage her in future. Of course it will. I can't "make up," for the fact he's a douche, even if I do everything right. Those scars won't disappear just because I'm doing all I can to be a good parent to her.

    I just think it's foolish to believe that these kinds of huge decisions have no impact on children.
    Who said it does?

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  10. #108
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    Nobody is saying it wouldn't impact on the kids, but the fact is, some children ARE better off with someone other than a parent.

    If the parents were always the best option, there would be no need for DoCS or other child welfare agencies.

    You know, DoCS are always in the news for the wrong reasons, not intervening sooner. Perhaps if some parents had asked for help, then we wouldn't have so many tragedies.

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  12. #109
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    Exactly BigRedV. It should always be about what it best for the children and that doesn't automatically mean that is with the mother.

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  14. #110
    Bonkers is offline wishes she was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum, 'cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
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    Quote Originally Posted by mummykahla View Post
    If I was completely and totally incapacitated, like a quadriplegic with severe brain damage or if I was dead. There is no other excuse to give your children away IMO. If you "can't cope" or are abusing a substance or your child you need to wake the f*#^ up and look after the little people you created. If you can't raise them yourself, don't have them. Simple. And if you have one and can't cope, make damn sure you NEVER have another.
    A lot of the time of people are on something and they can't look after their babies they need all the support they can get. They didn't choose to become addicts (well some did) what you have said their is very harsh and not understanding at all. We are people behind these screens and have feelings, maybe you should think about that before replying like that.

    I would only give my children up if their was a safety issue or I could just not look after them fr what ever reason (became injured or suicidal) but I do have family that would help me out when I would need it.
    I love my children to death and would never give them up unless what I said before. They are my world.


 

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