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  1. #21
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    Yep, just ask. I agree that you can't expect them to be mind readers. They are family aren't they? I don't know about how your family operates but we are very open with each other. I am comfortable to ask for anything, and they are comfortable to say no.
    So yes, I do think that it is a little silly to be upset that nobody has offered to take the kids for a weekend. Nobody has ever offered that to us, but we have asked plenty of times (and they have said yes )
    Go on, just ask them. And hopefully they say yes. If they say no, then I think you have every right to be a bit peeved

  2. #22
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    I'm with others here who have said you need to ask for what you need. It's hard to do, because we're so conditioned to fend for ourselves, but you're not doing anyone a kindness by building resentment and potentially harming the relationship rather than expressing honestly and without blame or accusation, how you feel and what you would like. Better yet if you can do it as a group message so no one feels they have to if they don't genuinely want to. I know for myself, I really like to know how I can help because it can sometimes feel inappropriate or like you're imposing if you offer help. I know I've been really grateful when friends have been not coping if they ask for a meal or for me to take bub for a walk because I enjoy knowing exactly what I can do to make them feel loved and supported. I'd really recommend reading the book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" . It's aimed at parents but is relevant for communicating well with anyone ang getting your needs met while supporting the needs of others. Your needs matter absolutely but it's unfair to expect others to guess what they may be if you don't communicate them

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    Atropos  (09-06-2012)

  4. #23
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    HugsBunny is offline Once upon a time there was a bunny.........
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deserama View Post
    So that's where I've gone wrong! You have to actually ask people? But don't you all feel like you're begging and pleading to people? And what if they want to say no but they can't...then I'd feel awful that I'd asked them.

    I hate asking for things. Yes we are very self sufficient/independant type people.
    Nope I don't feel I'm pressuring people at all. If you're worried, just preface it with 'feel free to say no, but I wondered if you'd like to look after x and y for the weekend on this date? The other four are going to their dads and it would be lovely if DH and I could have a weekend away and you would get a chance to have some time with x and y as well?'

    I always say 'would you like to?' rather than 'can you?'.

  5. #24
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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    I am not so good with the asking for help thing either but sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and do it. I know lots of people with kids who I assume would not want time away from their kids so it would never occur to me to offer, and I am pretty certain that most people would assume the same of me (because it is true ATM, but might change in a few years). Also, some people might assume that others have offered. Put a few feelers out, you might be surprised.

  6. #25
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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    Just wanted to add that you are not being selfish, just a bit too proud.

  7. #26
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    My family know that the 4 older ones go to their dad's every fortnight so if it were me I'd offer when the older kids were away if I felt overwelmed. How would they know? Well because looking at our situation and knowing that I'm flat out getting time on my own anyway...I dunno...kinda a bit obvious?

    But anyway...I hate asking but if asking is the way to do it then I guess I'll have to spell it out to people and ask I suppose. Ohhhh I hate asking for help...I really really do hey. Asking for that one night was bad enough, I was so apologetic and I felt so like I was putting my sister out

    Gah I wish I had a village...

  8. #27
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    Deserama I am totally with you - I hate asking and just wish that occasionally, someone would offer. You know why? Because I offer! If I see someone struggling or in need of help I offer to help, or just do it anyway. Just like people of old used to drop food on the doorstep without expecting acknowledgement. In my mind it's not really help if you have to ask/beg/suck up for it, it's just an obligation. I have gotten over it a little, enough that I ask in an emergency, but today for instance I need to be somewhere urgently and have asked three lots of people and they are all busy - and that exhausts the list. Well actually the first two exhausted the list, the third was a total long shot, but had offered to help anytime so I thought I'd give it a go. And still got a no! I hate asking for help!!
    i think of course someone should have offered to let you guys go away, but having been through the same thing with our wedding it was like bloody pulling teeth, and we were reminded of how lucky we were to have had babysitters and how inconvenienced they wer quite often.

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    Deserama  (14-06-2012)

  10. #28
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    I don't think you're being selfish, no. I'm trying to word this nicely, so I apologise if it doesn't work.

    I don't think you're being selfish, but I think you're being slightly unreasonable to expect people to watch your kids without asking. They are your kids and so it's your resonsibility to find somewhere for them to go if you want a weekend away, iykwim?? I babysit a lot. Sometimes I offer to take the kids, and sometimes I'm asked. I very rarely ever say no, but when I do, if someone got peeved at me for it, then no, I'd not babysit for them again, because it IS a favour to them that I take their kids. I'm under no obligation to do such things, and do it because I want to.
    While everyone says that some people get wrapped up in their own lives, they forget that assuming other people HAVE to drop what they're doing to take someone elses kids is the exact same thing.
    But as the person who gets called to babysit, I do suggest you ask them. They probably don't think to offer it, because they're busy with work/their own kids/hobbies, etc. I also know what it's like to work 50+ hours a week, then come home and babysit for a weekend, then start it again. There's no recharge time, which most people need.

    Ask them, but I don't think you should be angry at them if they say no. That's not really fair on them. I also suggest saying something like "I know you guys are really busy, but X and I would love a weekend away for a psuedo honeymoon type thing. Would you be able to take x and y while the other kids are off at their dads? It's fine if you say no, but I thought I'd ask."

    I'm really sorry if this didn't come across right, btw. Only had one coffee today so brain not working too well.

  11. #29
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    we ask, and get asked. we had my cousins newborn overnight, on their wedding night, she asked us as im boobing. thier other kids were at home (they have 9 kids, the eldest two are 16 and 17)
    i ask my mum and nana to watch dd all the time, and have asked my younger sister to move in here for a week when belly fruit arrives, in case i have to leave in the middle of the night.
    my older sister usually asks, but has been known to just drop her kids and run haha

  12. #30
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    I think you might need to ask.

    You sound very self sufficient, and maybe people are a bit too frightened to offer?

    Id mind all 6 if you were nearby - I seem to often have a house full of kids many weekends - recently I had 3 of my cousin's b/w 6 and 12, my niece and nephew 12 and 14 and my two (8 and 11) - but I grew up as 1 of 7 so numbers of kids are 'normal' in my life.

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    Deserama  (14-06-2012)


 

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