Feel like my husband doesn't find me attractive

**Justwant2beamummy** · 08-06-2012 22:00

I feel so embarrassed about this relationship issue, I just feel so alone and as though no one else is experiencing this.

Everywhere I look, see, hear, there's always the joke that all men think about is sex. Even on bubhub there will be jokes about men always having it on their mind. I have the opposite problem with my DH, and it makes me feel incredibly unattractive, to the point where sometimes I cry myself to sleep.

Don't get me wrong, we do have sex, but it's on average once a week. I rarely initiate anymore because I got so sick of being rejected and emotionally just couldn't stand it, so now I just leave it to him. Sometimes we will go a fortnight or so without sex, and he doesn't really notice.

I'm a size 12, very healthy weight range, large bust, thin waist. I keep healthy, wear makeup. Without sounding completely up myself, I do get attention from other men, so I can't be completely repulsive.

He's told me he doesn't really like kissing. He will often shake me off when I go to kiss him and says "later", or something similar. There's rarely a "later". He will often promise we will have sex but will then say he's too tired. I've even tried lingerie.... He said "what are you doing?" and went back to watching TV. I was so embarrassed I don't think I could ever do that again.

Every other part of our relationship is fine. We're not perfect, but we love each other and have fun together.
I feel so left out. When other women complain about their husbands really wanting them physically.. I feel so jealous. I wish my husband wanted me like that.

I rarely feel like he thinks I'm beautiful, or pretty. I feel like he's not really attracted to me like that at all. Please someone tell me I'm not the only one

**Guest1234** · 08-06-2012 22:09

You are definitely not alone. My DF is so stressed and tired that he very rarely feels like sex, anything from once a week to once a fortnight is normal for us.
I used to feel like it was because of me, but I spoke to him and he explained that it's nothing to do with me, it's just stress and tiredness, and 2 children.
I don't like it, but there really isn't anything I can do about it.

**MissMuppet** · 08-06-2012 22:14

Oh I just want to give you a big hug and tell you you're beautiful.

I have felt like this at times too. We've gone through patches where I most definitely felt unattractive to DH. I've also had the lingerie fail too and boy does that feel awful.

We had a big discussion and I was completely honest with him, and he was honest with me and while it was a very uncomfortable conversation it brought up a lot of issues we had and things have improved greatly since then. I won't go into all the details, but wanted to let you know, you are not alone at all, and that there is hope, things can improve. Have you tried talking to him about it?

**FearlessLeader** · 08-06-2012 22:20

you are not the only one. It's a fallacy that men always have higher libidos, going by my female friends and their past and current partners, I would say men have higher libidos maybe 60-70% of the time. It's soul destroying being with someone who doesn't 'want' you the way you want them to. But you just can't change the way someone feels, or experiences feelings. You need to talk to him about it, at length and in depth, maybe with a counsellor. He needs to know that you need to feel loved and wanted, but you also need to understand that just because he doesn't want it as much, doesn't mean he doesn't want you, doesn't love you, or isn't attracted to you. He just can't express it the way you want him to. You guys need to work out some practical compromises. Even little things, like i found asking DP to stop telling me I looked 'nice' or 'pretty' when I wanted him to say I looked hot or sexy. It made a big difference to my confidence.

I hope that makes sense.
Also, people's libidos change. I've noticed mine's come down from crazy high to just higher than regular, and DP's has risen from fairly non-exsistent to average, so we are fairly on par these days

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**Justwant2beamummy** · 08-06-2012 22:24

Thankyou so much for your replies. I have tried talking to him about it before but he just got frustrated and said I didn't understand that he was tired and just doesn't like that stuff as much as me.

I just feel so embarrassed when everyone I know laughs about not being able to keep their husband off them. I would be ecstatic if my husband looked at me that way! I've tried asking him what he likes, doing the things he likes. Getting him to agree to actually doing anything is that hard part. He's not a touchy feeling person, so I very, very rarely get kissed unless we are dtd, and we have even dtd several times without kissing, which I find really weird?!

**Justwant2beamummy** · 08-06-2012 22:29

I know he loves me, he tells me every day, but I'm just not convinced that he finds me attractive. It's not just sex that I want... Even kisses, or being cuddled in bed would be nice.

I think I sound like a whinger now, But I just can't explain how sad it makes me!

**FearlessLeader** · 08-06-2012 22:32

Oh hun he needs to understand how much this hurts you. Does he know you cry at night? If he does, shame on him for not trying to help solve the problem

He most likely feels incredibly ashamed and emasculated by the fact that he has a low libido. He's probably scared you might leave him for a 'manlier' man. But he needs to face up to it and talk to you about it. He can't brush it off, it's a huge part of your relationship.

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**Justwant2beamummy** · 08-06-2012 22:39

Originally Posted by FearlessLeader

Oh hun he needs to understand how much this hurts you. Does he know you cry at night? If he does, shame on him for not trying to help solve the problem

He most likely feels incredibly ashamed and emasculated by the fact that he has a low libido. He's probably scared you might leave him for a 'manlier' man. But he needs to face up to it and talk to you about it. He can't brush it off, it's a huge part of your relationship.

Sent from my HTC Sensation Z710a using BubHub

No, I don't think he knows. He falls asleep in about 10 seconds flat...

I just feel demanding, selfish and weird, I guess. I just feel like its not normal for it to be this way around, but obviously sometimes it just is.

I really need to talk to him about it.

**FearlessLeader** · 08-06-2012 22:43

It IS normal. Of my 5 closest female friends, only one has never been in a relationship where she had the higher libido, and she has a very low libido. The rest of us have all been in that situation at some point, 3 of us where its been a major issue in the relationship. It's completely normal, but people just don't talk about it because they're embarrassed or ashamed. I'll bet a million bucks some of your friends are lying about their husbands wanting them all the time.

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