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  1. #1
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    Default Anyone else a 'night widow'?

    DH drops DS1 at school at 8:15, then goes to work.
    He usually gets home around 9:30-10:30, then works till 12/1am
    Very very rarely it may be before 9. It's been like this for over 2 years. My kids are 8, 3 and 1.
    How do you feel this affects your kids and you as a parent?
    I just need to talk about it as I'm really really tired of it and can't say anything as he's working so hard for some great financial incentives which should be happening next year; (he's building a business and becoming an equity partner).

  2. #2
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    Nobody...???

  3. #3
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    That must be really hard. My partner puts up with me working at night over summer, as I perform in the evenings and often for 8hrs or so, till I get home at 2-3am, then do the overnight feed and sleep during the day. I'm like a vampire (up all night, sleep during day!), and sometimes we feel like ships passing in the night, or day really, as it's all a bit backwards. But I don't work for 14hrs a day anymore, and you must feel like you don't see him often. Glad to hear you have your eye on the prize of the financial incentives, but maybe there's some things you can do to feel closer to him (like little texts during the day, or something) ~ I don't know.

    Either way, it sucks having him out of the house for so long every day. Have you talked with him about how you feel? Hugs to you, Brussels.

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    faroutbrusselsprout  (09-06-2012)

  5. #4
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    I'm sure you'll get more replies when everyone wakes up for the day. At least a few hubbers must be in your pos. Sucks to have to trade your relationship for work and future incentives too, money really screws usup, especially when you don't have it! Hope you can find some creative solutions from others who have been there.

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    Quote Originally Posted by faroutbrusselsprout View Post
    DH drops DS1 at school at 8:15, then goes to work.
    He usually gets home around 9:30-10:30, then works till 12/1am
    Very very rarely it may be before 9. It's been like this for over 2 years. My kids are 8, 3 and 1.
    How do you feel this affects your kids and you as a parent?
    I just need to talk about it as I'm really really tired of it and can't say anything as he's working so hard for some great financial incentives which should be happening next year; (he's building a business and becoming an equity partner).
    I'm struggling with this at the moment.. While not as bad as your situation, something has to give here or i may go crazy..

    DH is a chef. He works breakfast 2-5 days per week at 1 job and then his "real" job he works 5 days per week which usually includes 3-5 split shifts (lunch and dinner shift with a 1.5 hr break between). So a normal work day for him would be 545-9am, 945-330pm then 445-close (usually 930-10pm) so I do the whole morning routine and drive dd1 to school (the other 2 have to come as well obviously), he picks up dd1 from school on his way home and then spends about an hour with the kids before going back to work and leaving me to do tea, bath and bed by myself. I also do all the night wakings between the 3 kids, usually up 3-4 times a night, before getting up to do it again the next day.

    I feel like I may as well be here by myself with them. I've spoken to him about how i'll manage once #4 arrives in september and his response is always along the lines of - him having to work, well you find me a different job then, I'll stay home then and you can work, etc. he takes it as an insult when I tell him that things need to change rather than as something we both need to work out, iykwim?

    He is now looking at doing some FIFO work next year for a couple of years to get us ahead enough financially so that he can get a job with more Family friendly hours.

    For him it seems to be more about not seeing the kids enough, rather than me. I am 25 weeks pregnant and we always drift apart a bit during pregnancy once the sex slows right down (I have crappy pregnancies), so hopefully once bub arrives we can see what we can do to fix things up a bit..

    Sorry, that turned into a bit of an about me vent :-( I've been struggling a bit more with it lately so I feel for you, unfortunately for both of us I think we might just have to put up with it for a bit longer.. Sorry I don't have any worthwhile advice, but I know what you're going through

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  9. #6
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    IMO, your husband is out there working to provide for your family and so you can stay at home with the kids. Most families aren't lucky enough to have that luxury. If you want to see your husband more, get a job and then he won't have to work as much. I just don't think it's fair to complain about how much he works when he's the sole provider - that's a huge responsibility!

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    Quote Originally Posted by JR03 View Post
    IMO, your husband is out there working to provide for your family and so you can stay at home with the kids. Most families aren't lucky enough to have that luxury. If you want to see your husband more, get a job and then he won't have to work as much. I just don't think it's fair to complain about how much he works when he's the sole provider - that's a huge responsibility!
    So because he is providing she is not allowed to have any negative feelings about the arrangement? She never said she wants him to quit or to stop working altogether, just a bit more balance would be nice, and at least its something to strive for even if it isn't practical at this point in time.

    Eta - sorry op, comments like that, where someone is told to stop feeling how they feel, really irks me.

    My dh isn't gone anywhere near as long as yours and i struggle. Its hard being the one at home with the kids for what feels like 24/7. We do our best to make the most of his days off, and have to settle for no family time the days he works
    Last edited by tatia&shura; 09-06-2012 at 07:49.

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    BaronessM  (09-06-2012),Bubbles10  (10-06-2012),faroutbrusselsprout  (09-06-2012),twotrunks  (09-06-2012)

  12. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by JR03 View Post
    IMO, your husband is out there working to provide for your family and so you can stay at home with the kids. Most families aren't lucky enough to have that luxury. If you want to see your husband more, get a job and then he won't have to work as much. I just don't think it's fair to complain about how much he works when he's the sole provider - that's a huge responsibility!
    Oh if only the answer to everything was to just get a job! If you have nothing helpful to contribute then don't contribute at all.
    I've seen very petty stuff being vented about on here an this topic is not one of them.

    FOB that must be really hard, my DF is on a fantastic roster after switching mines which means he only has to work 3 night shifts at the most after 2 or 3 day shifts and then goes on to have 4 or 5 days off.
    So we get heaps of time together.

    Is it possible to have someone look after the kiddies for a night and you and DF have a nice night out together?

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  14. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by JR03 View Post
    IMO, your husband is out there working to provide for your family and so you can stay at home with the kids. Most families aren't lucky enough to have that luxury. If you want to see your husband more, get a job and then he won't have to work as much. I just don't think it's fair to complain about how much he works when he's the sole provider - that's a huge responsibility!
    NEWSFLASH! He would still work as much because he would have the same job.?!?!? Why would I ask him to give up his passion and love and the incredible amount of work he's done? You've missed the point of my post entirely...? I wanted to discuss the dynamic and coping mechanisms of people at home alone every night.
    You are a genius though, why not on top of studying put the kids in full time daycare and get a job! So simple!
    Then we'd be even more exhausted and see my kids less...???
    Great suggestion....?
    Last edited by faroutbrusselsprout; 09-06-2012 at 11:38.

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  16. #10
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    Sorry! Thank you everyone else!! I will be back later to reply properly!


 

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