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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2011

    Default Vent - will i ever get over these feelings

    No point really to this post just, i'm just sick of my friends comments:

    I had a D&C last Wednesday, I have 2 other children so i should be happy with what i have right....thats what everone keeps saying, Maybe its a good thing you lost it now rather then at term, How can you be attached to it so early, maybe it was gods plan, maybe its better that its gone rather then have a disabled child, my mum said its not like you were very far along and that i should get over it it hasn't even been a week, i find these comments really hurtful, exspecially my mums, i don't want to talk to any of my friends anymore or my mum for that matter.

    They say be happy with what you have, i am happy i love my children more then anything, all my children including the one i lost, i am sad for the baby i lost, I find myself thinking about it constantly would it have been a he or a she, what would baby have looked like, interest, etc.

    They seem to have no idea that their comments are nasty i haven't told them this but surely they should understand.....I don't want to talk to any of friends anymore other then 1 that has been nothing but supportive. Is that irrational and unfair to think this way? Did anyone else find this?

    Then there comes the facebook issue, I am sick of seeing all the scans, babyshower plans and .........is 31weeks baby is this big and its doing this. I feel like a bad person i have lots of friends and family who are exspecting atm, i am happy for them but find the constant reminder.........i hate facebook.

    Then there comes the comments are you going to try again, and this morning my uncle said you have your 2 girls when are you going to have some boys......they have no idea of the m/c i held it together but it hurts and its something i don't know the answer to.

    I am feeling rather confused I can not descide what i want to do............... I deperately want another baby and the sooner the better...............but at the same time it my worst fear. I change my mind on a daily basis, I stopped bleeding yesterday and the doctor said we could try whenever the bleeding stopped, and since we can not descide we are just seeing what happens, so i guess we are try but no hard? I wonder if i will ever get over these feeling. Should i even be mad at my friends?

    I had genetic testing done. Should i find out te gender do you think that would make it easier or harder?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Hugs xx

    People can be so insensitive

    I experienced almost the exact same things as you both times I had a mc, I think most of the time people can't empathise unless they've had a mc themselves.

    Feel free to pm me if you want to vent

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to cluckcluck For This Useful Post:

    Mum 2 Isabel  (05-06-2012)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Country WA
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    I think people mean well, but don't know what to say so end up saying things like that without really thinking about how it will make you feel. People don't really know how much it hurts unless they have been there themselves.

    But the good news is things will get better. My loss was in 2009. I still think about our lost baby and wonder what s/he would have been like, but I no longer feel an overwhelming sadness. I also look at my son and can't imagine life without him, and he wouldn't be here if we hadn't had the loss.

    I would be honest with your friends and family and tell them you know they mean well, but their comments aren't helping. My SMIL told me I hadn't really had a loss as it was a Blighted Ovum. I told her off! So insensitive. She apologised, but I'll never forgive her.

    I don't know if finding out the gender will help - only you can decide that one. I know what helped me was saying goodbye in my own way. I threw some little flowers in a river and said my goodbyes.

    Take the time to grieve however you want and don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling. They are your feelings and you can do whatever you want and need to get past this.

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to Californication For This Useful Post:

    Mum 2 Isabel  (05-06-2012)

  6. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    People can say some very hurtful, awful things. I think a lot of the time they mean well but they just don't understand (or sometimes they have forgotten).

    I felt the same way you did about talking to friends and family. I just avoided people for about 2 weeks afterwards. We had told almost nobody so DH was really good and called everyone we had told and let them know. He also said that I would contact people when I was ready to talk. Maybe just avoiding gatherings and social functions for a bit could be helpful.

    I don't know about finding out the gender. I think that is a personal decision for you to make. We grieved by planting a tree in our backyard that will always remind me of "Sprout".

    I'm very sorry for your loss . I think you need to take all the time you need to grieve and ignore (avoid) others that might make "silly" comments.


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