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  1. #1
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    Default Picking your battles?

    Being a strict parent what are your, say, levels?

    What kind of things do you pick your battles with?
    What kind of things get a warning?
    Then what things get a punishment (or what ever you do)

    What are your actions = reactions?

    Not sure I worded it right so I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

    I see myself as a strict parent. I'm a single mum and I'm just so exhausted by having to do all the discipline. I don't always want to be the bad guy. I want our weekends spent relaxing. So I'm thinkI maybe I need to pick my battles but I don't know where to start.

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    Do you have some kind of a positive reinforcement strategy in place? I was finding it really tough being negative all the time and found my son responded much better to reward than punishment. For example a star chart with a big reward for doing x number of things in a day. Of course you still need to punish bad stuff...can be done by taking away an appropriate star maybe...but at least you can remind and refocus them when they are doing something naughty. The focus is also more on all the good things they are doing. Just a thought!

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    Thanks for your reply. Yes a star chart is a good idea. We dont have one. For those who use one what's the reward at the end? I don't want it to sound like its always bad but just for the times that are. I'm not sure if it's because she started school this year or that she's 5 soon but her behavior has changed. Everything that worked before doesn't so I feel I need to work out a different approach.

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    I pick my battles.

    Is it REALLY a big deal? If not, then meh. That said, if I say, "do it," and she argues and carries on like a pork chop, I'm not going to let her win. I don't want her to think that being a jerk will mean she gets her own way.

    Sometimes I will simply go, "Yeah, you know what... you can just leave it until tomorrow," or "Actually, I've changed my mind," and change what I just said. Or a compromise: "Okay, that's fine, but you still must do XYZ."

    I also try and think of how life must be for a child when I'm making my decisions. You never really have control over anything. You're given what you're given for dinner. You are told where you're going and when. Your mother can tell you to change your clothing. Etc etc. Sometimes, I just let her have her tanty because in all honesty, if someone else told me what to do all day, I think I'd lose it occasionally too. I try to give her some freedom so it doesn't get to that level... so she feels she has some control over what goes on in her life.

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    obviously dangerous things require me to win the battle (ie. i win, they lose!)
    and possibly a punishment depending on the situation (time out, a very rare smack on the bum)

    important things (being polite, playing nicely) require me to either win or a compromise to be made.

    small stuff (eating all of dinner, having a bath) usually involve a compromise or i just don't bother.
    eg. 'you don't want your dinner? okay, you don't have to eat it. just remember that when you are hungry....'

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    Gothel is offline Skip the drama, stay with Mama!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jensha View Post
    Being a strict parent what are your, say, levels?

    What kind of things do you pick your battles with?
    What kind of things get a warning?
    Then what things get a punishment (or what ever you do)

    What are your actions = reactions?
    Ok I definitely pick my battles but i'm fairly strict. Anything dangerous or mean is a no no. if they don't listen I do 123 magic or take them home. If they hurt anyone it's straight to time out. Shouting gets a warning, saying something mean gets a talking to, I just insist they are nice to others.

    When they try to assert themselves (like not wanting a bath) it depends. If they just don't want to stop playing, too bad, it's bath time, but if they are unwell we'll just wash them down with a cloth. Clothes have to be appropriate, like dd1 isn't allowed wear her Cinderella dress to Kindy, but if she insists she doesn't want a jacket, then ok.

    I don't care if they talk with food in their mouth as long as they are eating, I don't care if they are a bit too loud as long a it's all in good fun, i'm not to strict on manners I guess. I used to yell a bit and get really frustrated so I totally know what you mean about feeling so negative all the time. We did a good bit of star charts, 123 magic, practised sharing etc.

    Punishment means going home from a trip, timeout or sometimes I have threatened to take away their comfort toys, never had to do that though thankfully! Dd1 used to get a lot of timeout but not so much anymore yayyyy. It really has been a battle for us in lots of ways but ATM we have a nice balance between letting them be themselves, but keeping then in check.

    Sorry for the essay lol

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    Oh and with the star charts, dd1 earns stars on a piece of paper on the fridge, then at the end of the week she gets 1 coin per star, and she can buy something with that money. She used to earn a star when I noticed her being good, like saying please or sharing. I have a friend who is a single mum, she does the same thing, she takes her soon too the zoo when they get 20 stars.
    Last edited by Gothel; 02-06-2012 at 22:47.

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    dd is only 2, but i definitely pick my battles.
    i just dont have the energy, and most of the time does it REALLY matter if she has a banana for lunch instead of her sandwich?
    i also make an effort to involve her in decisions and activities. we did grocery shopping today, and she chose the corn and pumpkin, plus selected our fruit for the week. she also chooses her clothes in the morning (hates getting dressed) and i let her wear her gumboots rater than argue.
    non negotiable things are hitting/biting/spitting/throwing food/drawing on walls or table/touching the bin or fire.

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    I want more essays lol dont be sorry . Ok so im thinking ill do a star chart i do everything else been said

    I'm not sure how I feel about the star chart getting a reward at the end. Like I dont think I should buy her a toy for behaving because she should do it to be a nice person. So how about things like your get 7 stars in a row you can pick dinner or something. Any other ideas?

    Thanks so much for everyones responses. I like what you said sassy. I need to remember what its like to be a kid and not have any control.

    I just dont want to yell so much either. I'm relaxed with things like, she can wear whatever she wants as long as its weather appropriate but she has taken a liking to wearing gum boots or slippers out lol. Or she gets a choice of shower before bed or in the morning. Things like that.

    I have my fingers and toes crossed that this star chart will work. Do you buy them or just make them? I get paid on Tuesday so I will sort it all out then.

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    I made a rewards chart once. You can buy them though, and can probably even download some online I'm sure.

    I don't like the idea of giving a gift just for doing what she SHOULD be doing either, but at the same time, I can reward myself whenever I want. I think of it like working for kids... you wouldn't work for free, and nor will they. lol. We do pocket money though. It's X amount per week and money is docked for poor behaviour... so in a way, it's a reward, but it can also be a punishment too if she's not well behaved. Then she has to save to buy things herself if she wants... so if she wants to get a new toy, she has to save for it... and has to be good to get hte money quicker.


 

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