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  1. #1
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    Default Realising your childhood wasn't all that wonderful....

    Hi All

    Something has been bothering me for a while now and I just want to put it out there and see if anyone else has had the same experience.

    I'm pregnant (finally!) with my second child and it has really made me think about how my parents raised me and the more I think, the more I'm disapointed.

    I always thought I'd had a pretty good childhood, I mean I turned out okay at the end of it all but there are just some things that are getting to me. I get along alright with my parents but although they only live an hour and a half away they only get off their butts to visit me 1-2 times a year. Seriously, its like my son doesnt even have grandparents!

    So here are a few things that's getting to me.... My mother was lazy in the house, so lazy in fact it was filthy, full of hoarded junk etc etc. I didnt even have a bedroom - just a room full of junk. I was never aloud friends over (obviously), never aloud to stay at friends houses, never aloud on school camps. I could disapear for an entire day at age 7-8 and she didnt care.... as long as I wasnt at anyones house, the same with my brother only he was younger. Forced to sit outside of the pub/tab for hours each day when not at school. The list goes on....

    I dont know what it is... maybe the pregnancy hormones but its really starting to upset me lately, what a crap mother she was.... what tipped it all off was when she wanted to be paid to look after my dog

    I guess I just need to vent to someone and I wonder... What makes someone be like her? Mental illness? Not bonding to the child?? Why would she had been like that?

  2. #2
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    Subscribing, will come back

  3. #3
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    Looking back on it my childhood was awful, mum had abusive partners, they used drugs, never paid bills, we could never afford excursions, school uniforms, food etc.
    Quite frankly I think my mum is lucky all her children still speak to her, I try not to hold a grudge because noone is perfect and she tells me she feels terribly guilty with what she put us through as children.

    I get really p'd off when she tries to tell me how to raise my kids, I feel like saying to her ' where do you get off, you were a horrible mother '.

    There is more but I couldn't be bothered typing it on my phone.

    Hugs to you op, sometimes I think adults forget that children are little people with feelings

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    Too Busy  (31-05-2012)

  5. #4
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    Hello, sorry you had to deal with all of that as a child. It does sound as if you "turned out okay at the end of it" which is the main thing to focus on. What happened to you as a child, while wasn't ideal, is now in the past and what you do now as an adult and a mother to your own children is where you need to put your energy. The fact that you are aware of her shortcomings is a really good thing - means you're very unlikely to be the same way!

    So, how to deal with what happened to you as a child....
    1/ What makes someone be like her(your mum)
    What do you know about her upbringing, and your grandparents? If she had a difficult time herself, chances are that impacted on how she acted as a parent. Unlike you, maybe she really didn't get that what she was doing was wrong?
    2/ Mental illness? Well, what do you know about that - did she have any medical treatment? If she didn't perhaps she has an undiagnosed illness, if the opposite is true, at least it gives you some clues as to why she wasn't functioning as a normal kind of Mum.

    Who knows why people are the way they are, parents included? I reckon sometimes we have to try as hard as we can to distance ourselves from negativity - especially when you're pregnant, this is your time to try the best you can for your own family and move on from what is upsetting to you.

    Good luck to you and congratulations on your pregnancy!

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    Too Busy  (31-05-2012)

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    Default Yes

    My own mother revises history at times, giving us a more Brady Bunch up bringing than we actually had.
    It annoys me, because she did some awful things, said some awful things and in the meantime, my dad was a functional alcoholic. Sooooo....
    My cousins all think she's great, a wonderful Mum, a generous, fun person BUT ... they got the better deal, I think.
    Like when she gave me one hundred good reasons why I couldn't have a 21st birthday party, like it costs too much and we don't have any money, and then proceeded to throw the most almighty going away party for my cousin. That one still hurts. I wonder what my cousin would say if she knew that she had my 21st party.
    Being a parent has brought up some memories, I can tell you.

    Sorry for derailing your thread.

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    Too Busy  (31-05-2012)

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    Hoarding is a mental illness (I think it falls under OCD actually) so for me it does sound as if there were elements of mental illness at play.

    I'm sorry that you are reliving these horrible memories.

    I can highly recommend the book 'toxic parents'

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    Quote Originally Posted by really old View Post
    My own mother revises history at times, giving us a more Brady Bunch up bringing than we actually had.
    My mother does this too! I often used to listen to her talk and wonder whose childhood she was talking about... because it sure wasn't mine!

    OP - I have had a very similar situation myself. My mother was sadistic, abusive and did have various mental health issues. I was raised to keep my mouth shut and not "rock the boat" as far as she was concerned. And keeping the peace was not too hard to do... until I got pregnant. She put me in hospital at 12 weeks and I vowed I would never speak to her again.

    I think being faced with your own decisions as a mother and being a parent yourself makes you analyse what your parents did. Add emotions and hormones to that and it can be a really tough time.

    The only advice I can give is to think of all the things you hated when you were little and make sure the cycle is not repeated. I use WWSD (What Would SHE Do?), then I do the opposite!! My husband has also made a comment to me which I found helpfull - All those things that you went through, no matter how horrible, made you the person that you are today. And you are a beautiful person and a wonderful mother. So you can always be thankful for that.

    The past is in the past, look forward to a wonderful future.

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    Too Busy  (31-05-2012)

  15. #9
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    So how did you get along with your father? You haven't mentioned anything about him other than your parents living 1,5 hour away.

  16. #10
    Bonkers is offline wishes she was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum, 'cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
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    sorry everyone's childhood was so poo.

    I had a very sheltered childhood. Mum and dad tried to not let me live and find stuff out on my own. I was also treated completely dif from my sister. I was not aloud to do anything even when I turned 18. When I said to mum an dad I'm moving to qld they didn't like that. My little sister on the other hand was able to do what ever she wanted. She moved in with her bf at 17. I would never of been aloud to do that. I also had to do all the cleaning while she did nothing. My mum didn't do much around the house either. My dad worked in the raaf. It isnt as bad as some I just feel like I wasnt prepared enough for the outside world


 

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