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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Need help! Too many people want to be my "support person"

    Hi guys,

    I really need some advice.

    This is my first pregnancy, I'm 25, and am currently 34 weeks pregnant.

    As my due date approaches, I'm starting to get nervous and I figured developing a birth plan would at least help me feel a little in control, as I don't really know what to expect.

    So to get the basic picture, I have a vision in my head of me labouring at home for as long as possible with only my DP there supporting me, then going to the hospital with just my DP and the midwife present during the birth.
    Then, I was wanting a day or two to ourselves when we bring the baby home, so us three can bond as a family, before we receive any visitors.

    Now, what I didn't realise is, there's a whole lot of people that have been put out by my "plan".

    Seeing as this will be the first grandchild, my mother is hurt that I don't want her there during the labour or birth, while my sister is sad too, but at least supportive of my decision. My DP really wanted my MIL to be there during the birth, but waiting in the waiting room. My mother and sister also wanted to be able to at least wait in the waiting room. My mother and MIL also planned on coming to the house to cook and clean for me when we brought the baby home.

    Now, I know I'm lucky to be surrounded by so many loving people, but, I cannot imagine anything worse than being surrounded by lots of people while I'm in pain and at my most vulnerable. And, I don't know if I'd be able to focus properly knowing that there are 3 people sitting in the waiting room for me... What if it takes hours and hours? I really don't want to have to worry about anyone else (everyone says "you don't have to", but how can you not?).

    To make things worse, my mother and sister live in a different state, so they can't exactly pop in, or see the baby on a regular basis, so the birth is really important to them.

    I feel like I'm letting my DP, mother, sister, and MIL down, and I'm starting to feel so bad at this point I'm ready to throw my hands up and just let everyone do what they want.

    Does anyone have any ideas on how I could maybe do what I want and keep everyone else happy?

  2. #2
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    Don't do what everyone wants you to do. You need to do what YOU want to do. You need to be happy and comfortable.
    Personally, I didn't tell anyone I was in labour with my second child (apart from MIL who was looking after DD1) and it was most definitely the best thing I ever did. We also did the whole no visitors at hospital thing. Again it was the best decision for us.

    With DD1 I had my mum in, and she had told all her friends so most of the time she was texting and calling her friends about my progression. Then my brother and father AND sister wanted to visit me, too, so were waiting in the waiting room. DF also found it really horrible.

    Perhaps you could tell them that you are only allowed one support person in with you. Maybe you could even get away with just simply not telling them you are in labour.

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    Don't really have any advice, but it's YOUR labour and you really need to be comfortable.

    When you come home maybe ask them all to come over at a set time and visit and other than that stay away? Or tell your mum and sister you would love a hand when the baby is a week or so old or when dp goes back to work?

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    in my opinion, your birth may be a special time for your family, but you and only you are the one giving birth. you decided that you wanted your dp there with you and no one else, dont change that for anyone. giving birth is a private and can be a an overwhelming thing the last thing you want is a bunch of people waiting around. my advice do what is right for you and dont let people guilt you in to letting them get their way you will only regret it.

  5. #5
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    you need to do what you want to do.
    I had a 4 day labour, and spent 30 hours labouring at the hospital. I doubt MIL would want to sit there for that long waiting! I also spent 2 weeks in hospital afterwards, so any visitors (my in laws) left after only having quick hospital visits (I was so glad, the last thing I wanted was guests!)

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    TBH, I think it's reasonable to at least let them think they're getting "their way" to some degree in a way that doesn't completely put you out. You'll want them to feel comfortable, because in years to come, you might rely on them for help. I'd not be shutting them down with a "I WILL DO IT MY WAY - SCREW YOU ALL!" right now.

    Definitely don't compromise on the fact that you want just you and your partner there, that's fine as it is... but perhaps you can welcome them the next day, give them an hour or two to come visit, coo over the baby, etc etc. I think if you give them that small amount of time, you may find it's actually much easier long-run for you because they won't be hounding you, won't be banging on about what a selfish b*tch you were keepnig the baby from them, etc. They'll still get to see a "fresh out of hte womb," style newborn, and have their little cuddles and photos... but 2 hours is hardly going to destroy any bonding between you, your baby and your partner.

    That's just what I think will probably make life a lot easier for you though...

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    I guess if you really wanted to keep everyone happy you could do as you said, labour at home with your DP until you go the hospital, get up there, do your thing however long it takes and call them right after and say it was rather fast, you didn't have time to stop and call anyone.

    Yes, its a white lie, but then less feelings are hurt and you don't really have to worry anymore. For now, say that you know nature will take its cause and you're just going to do your best to get through it.

  8. #8
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    Put your foot down. Politely, but firmly.
    My mum rocked up with her boyfriend in tow and brought him into the labor room without asking when I was in full labor and doped to high hell. I felt EXTREMELY uncomfortable with that and even up until today I haven't confronted her about it because of how upset it makes me.

    You have to be comfortable with what happens. It's your birth, no one elses.

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    i honestly would not be turning away anyone offering to cook and clean for me when bub is born, that gives you even more time to bond with bub without worrying about cleaning and cooking

    If you don't want them in waiting room why not have them wait at home ( if that makes a difference) call them when you are ready and like PP said just for an hour or so if you staying in hospital.

  10. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Hers&Hers For This Useful Post:

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  11. #10
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    Put your foot down. Don't tell them when you are in labour, and tell them you will let them know about afterwards depending on how you fee. I would perhaps have them visit for 10-15 minutes in hospital the day after the birth, that way you can enlist the midwives to get rid of them for you and limit visiting times.

    Have all of these people who want to rush in and see such a new baby before it has even really got much breastfeeding in had a whooping cough (pertussis) booster?

    Do it your way OP. I laboured overnight and dh went home at 11am after the 5am birth. He decided not to return until the following day because he felt too tired to drive (we live quite a bit away from the hospital). I had to put up with visitors until visiting hours ended at almost 9pm. When the midwives finally realised they were there, I was soooo overtired, I burst into tears. You need peace, quiet and rest after birth, breastfeeding isn't so easy and labour is tiring. You are not a zoo exhibit, people can wait.


 

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