As the title states...I'm having a lot of trouble with DS1 going to his dad's
It's been less than a month since we separated, so it's only happened a few times...but I really can't stand it.
I've been doing it, because I know I have to. But I don't want to, and neither does he well...I guess that's not entirely true. He does have fun, eventually...but every time I drop him off, he cries and clings to me. It absolutely breaks my heart
And it's really hard for me to drop him off, too. I don't quite have my license yet (almost there ), so my mum has been kind enough to take me to do the drop offs...but I feel so bad to ask her. It's alright on weekends, but she works during the week and gets home at 6 every night. The problem is though, when I think of FOB coming to take DS...I just about have a panic attack. It's getting so bad. I get a really tight feeling in my chest, and I feel like locking all the doors and windows so no one can ever take him.
It's a bit silly, really, because no one is kidnapping him...but that's how it feels, when I imagine him being taken away...and I know he would cry, and it would be really traumatic for both of us
DS and I have such a close bond. We only just stopped breastfeeding a couple of months ago, and he still sleeps with me every single night. He's been so clingy lately, and I think it might be because he knows something (his little brother) is going to happen soon, that, and a month ago I was hospitalised suddenly, for 9 days (and saw him once in that time because I was in ICU), and obviously FOB and I just split.
At the moment, FOB is only having him twice a week - one weekday after he finishes work, and half a day on one of the weekend days.
That may seem unfair, but that's more than he saw him when we were together anyway, and that's all I can do. Even that is such a struggle I'm thinking of Wednesday (FOB's evening with him), and I feel like I'm about to cry, and I'm getting so, so anxious. It's almost 2am, I'm 34 weeks pregnant, and I can't sleep because I don't want to be without him on Wednesday. I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but this is SO hard for me. I wish I could just say "no, you can't have him."
Whenever he's not with me, I find it so hard to carry on with my day. I sulk the whole time, I get snappy with everyone...I can't relax or enjoy anything. On Saturday, FOB had him, and I went wedding dress shopping with my sister...honestly, I hated it. I spent every second of the day wishing I was home, and counting down the minutes until I could pick him up.
At this point, really, I feel like I don't even care what the repercussions are, I just want to say no. I know I can't, and I won't...but that's all I want.
I can't do this, seriously. I feel so uneasy when he's not with me
And it's about to get twice as bad, when I have this baby, and FOB wants to take both of them.
This wasn't meant to be so long. It started out as a "what the hell do I do?!" and ended up as a big vent. It just feels so unnatural to be away from him. He's my baby. It's not right How do I get over this feeling?