Anxiety when DS1 visits his dad.

[nicoletta]

As the title states...I'm having a lot of trouble with DS1 going to his dad's
It's been less than a month since we separated, so it's only happened a few times...but I really can't stand it.

I've been doing it, because I know I have to. But I don't want to, and neither does he well...I guess that's not entirely true. He does have fun, eventually...but every time I drop him off, he cries and clings to me. It absolutely breaks my heart

And it's really hard for me to drop him off, too. I don't quite have my license yet (almost there ), so my mum has been kind enough to take me to do the drop offs...but I feel so bad to ask her. It's alright on weekends, but she works during the week and gets home at 6 every night. The problem is though, when I think of FOB coming to take DS...I just about have a panic attack. It's getting so bad. I get a really tight feeling in my chest, and I feel like locking all the doors and windows so no one can ever take him.
It's a bit silly, really, because no one is kidnapping him...but that's how it feels, when I imagine him being taken away...and I know he would cry, and it would be really traumatic for both of us

DS and I have such a close bond. We only just stopped breastfeeding a couple of months ago, and he still sleeps with me every single night. He's been so clingy lately, and I think it might be because he knows something (his little brother) is going to happen soon, that, and a month ago I was hospitalised suddenly, for 9 days (and saw him once in that time because I was in ICU), and obviously FOB and I just split.

At the moment, FOB is only having him twice a week - one weekday after he finishes work, and half a day on one of the weekend days.
That may seem unfair, but that's more than he saw him when we were together anyway, and that's all I can do. Even that is such a struggle I'm thinking of Wednesday (FOB's evening with him), and I feel like I'm about to cry, and I'm getting so, so anxious. It's almost 2am, I'm 34 weeks pregnant, and I can't sleep because I don't want to be without him on Wednesday. I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but this is SO hard for me. I wish I could just say "no, you can't have him."

Whenever he's not with me, I find it so hard to carry on with my day. I sulk the whole time, I get snappy with everyone...I can't relax or enjoy anything. On Saturday, FOB had him, and I went wedding dress shopping with my sister...honestly, I hated it. I spent every second of the day wishing I was home, and counting down the minutes until I could pick him up.

At this point, really, I feel like I don't even care what the repercussions are, I just want to say no. I know I can't, and I won't...but that's all I want.
I can't do this, seriously. I feel so uneasy when he's not with me
And it's about to get twice as bad, when I have this baby, and FOB wants to take both of them.

This wasn't meant to be so long. It started out as a "what the hell do I do?!" and ended up as a big vent. It just feels so unnatural to be away from him. He's my baby. It's not right How do I get over this feeling?

[BigRedV]

How old is your son?

I think it's important that he sees his dad.

I don't know how he is going to be able to have a newborn if you're breastfeeding again.

Do you have a private agreement about custody/access?

[Renesme]

Actually after work one day and half of a weekend day every week sounds reasonable to me.. I don't think you're being harsh at all.

All you need to remember is that your child deserves to have a relationship with their father. I think you just need to try and keep yourself busy on the times that your ex has him. Is there a friend you can organise to go to the movies with every week?

Your DS could also be anxious because he is picking up on your feelings. If it's really bad can I suggest seeing a counsellor? I know it's really hard being away from your kids but unfortunately it's something that happens in split families

With the newborn I imagine your partner will only be able to take him a couple of hours at a time. Your partner having your DS may be good for your bond with your newborn and yourself as it'll give you some quality time where you can focus all your attention on him or her.

[Lovemyfam]

I hope it gets easier for you soon.

Not sure if your ex will go for it or if it's possible but until baby is here could your ex stay at your place and visit? Then when baby is born and hormones calm maybe you will be a bit better

[nicoletta]

How old is your son?

I think it's important that he sees his dad.

I don't know how he is going to be able to have a newborn if you're breastfeeding again.

Do you have a private agreement about custody/access?

He's 21 months old this month. I think so too, and I would never, ever keep him from his dad. He loves him so much, it's beautiful. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard for me, because as you can tell from my post...I absolutely hate being away from him!

I'm not sure either, and I've discussed that with him. He's also well aware that I've always had issues with expressing milk, so there's not really anything I can do. The supply is there, it just wants to stay in the boob He keeps telling me that he'll just give the baby formula when he has him. There's nothing at all wrong with FF a baby, but I'm not doing it just for his convenience, when I'm willing and able to breastfeed exclusively
We don't have anything written or anything, we sort of just spoke briefly about it and agreed - one week day, and one weekend day.

Actually after work one day and half of a weekend day every week sounds reasonable to me.. I don't think you're being harsh at all.

All you need to remember is that your child deserves to have a relationship with their father. I think you just need to try and keep yourself busy on the times that your ex has him. Is there a friend you can organise to go to the movies with every week?

Your DS could also be anxious because he is picking up on your feelings. If it's really bad can I suggest seeing a counsellor? I know it's really hard being away from your kids but unfortunately it's something that happens in split families

With the newborn I imagine your partner will only be able to take him a couple of hours at a time. Your partner having your DS may be good for your bond with your newborn and yourself as it'll give you some quality time where you can focus all your attention on him or her.

Thank you. I would probably be more inclined to give him more time, but like I said...he probably sees DS more now than he did when we were together, so I think that it's fair.
I know he does, and that's exactly what's stopping me from saying no. I know it's not the right thing to do, and it would be completely and utterly selfish of me. There's not really anyone I can do anything with...FOB was sort of my only friend, as stupid as that is.
I thought of that, too. I try to hide it very well when I am dropping DS off, I really don't want to be the reason he doesn't want to go. He's fine when I do the initial hand over, but then the second he realises I'm not going inside...he freaks out
I've thought about that too, it would be great bonding time with DS2...but then what if DS1 thinks that he's being replaced or something?

I hope it gets easier for you soon.

Not sure if your ex will go for it or if it's possible but until baby is here could your ex stay at your place and visit? Then when baby is born and hormones calm maybe you will be a bit better

Thanks. No, he wouldn't. I've tried that. It's extremely complicated. He says that he wants to be (in his own words) best friends, and still loves me, but he doesn't want to see me. He won't come here, nor let me be there when DS goes


Thanks for your replies, anyway. I guess I'm just having a sook about it. I know there's not really anything I can do...it's just how it has to be.

[MommaBear]

Your DS crying and clinging to you may be him picking up on your anxiety etc...
Maybe speak to your Dr about it and see if she/he can help in anyway. I guess while he is gone you all of a sudden have a quiet house and no one to run around after (also known as 'me' time!) do something during that time even if its grocery shopping or washing and blow drying your hair- if you have something to keep your mind occupied you may feel a little bit better.

As for the bub situation there are instances where a judge can order that the father be able to FF the child if the mother is not able to express milk for the fathers visits.

[Willow]

Time and affirming all the things you've said about not wanting to stop him having his dad in his life etc. It will get easier. You're pregnant and still recovering from your break up so your emotions will be much stronger than they typically would be. If you find you don't improve in six to 12 weeks then, as a pp said, seek counselling, or better still seek it now as you don't have to spend your life feeling like this!

With your bub-on-the-way, there is an age limit before they can take a breastfed baby. He can't insist on using formula as a way to take bub.

[LivinOnAPrayer]

My DD (5) goes to her fathers for 1/2 of all school holidays. He rarely speaks to her between.

Last visit (Easter) DD had a major anxiety attack where she even passed out, vomited, was white as a ghost etc. Its an absolutely horrible thing to witness

My daughters Child Psychologist suggested postive thinking, breathing techniques and muscle relaxation to help in preperation. A social story (pictures of your Ds's father, fun things they do at his house etc) will help, as will keeping it all positive.

DD is autistic but im sure these same stratagies will work for any child

[Izy]

Your bubba is still so young, please don't allow him to pressure you to have more time. Perhaps if the situation isn't too strained you can have time where he comes to visit your child somewhere so it happens more often?And for newbie. NO. NO. NO. NO. he does NOT need to take the newborn away from you to bond with it. All he has to do is see baby regularly. Even the length of time is of little importance. It's frequency more than anything for babies.Don't let anyone pressure you into letting him take newbie away from you if you are uncomfortable with it.I understand for your older child, although even there, I'm glad it's just day trips. I too would want their daddy to see them often. I tried to have the ex see our son every day by having daycare and my new house on his home run from work, but it really does need effort from both sides for that sort of thing to work.For your knowledge and reassurance too, I'm still BFing DS and he's 2.5 and spends 3 nights a fortnight with his daddy. I also no longer express when he's away or I'm at work. He doesn't have formula or cows milk at his dad's place. He has water or juice in the day. He still won't give up the boobie though ;p