Firstly let me begin by stating that this is a letter that will neither be sent nor acknowledged. It is a letter written to someone else for myself. Please feel free to comment if you wish though – this is not a private continuing journal. I have done this to address my feelings and put them aside. I have gone through a whirlwind of emotion in the past 18 months and I feel that this is just another stage – that I didn’t think would come. But it has… so I feel the need to write…..
For some time I have believed a few things that were unfair and unjust. I actually allowed myself to believe that I played a part in the affair you had. The affair that was the pinnacle in the demise of our marriage. I believed that if I had been a better wife, cared about you more, loved you harder… then perhaps you wouldn’t have strayed. I thought that I pushed you away because I loved our son too much and forgot about you. That I knew from very early on in our relationship that you were not the person I was meant to be with and somehow I let my guard down and you saw it too. That because I’d allowed myself to become physically unattractive and my prettier, skinnier best friend seemed like an obvious better choice I had contributed to your affair.
Thankfully I no longer believe these things. I believe that I played a part in the break down of our marriage – but in no way did I have a hand in you choosing to have an affair. That choice was yours and yours alone and I will no longer defend your actions. I will no longer feel protective of you because deep down you are a good person. I will no longer be understanding and supportive of you because I understand your unhappiness. Because I was unhappy too and I certainly didn’t make a choice that would break your heart into a million tiny pieces. Deep down you are not a good person, because good people don’t cheat on their wives when they are pregnant with their second child. You were selfish then and continue to be that way and all of the nice fatherly gestures in the world will not change it. You can help me out as much you’d like to make yourself feel less guilt. But at the end of the day you cannot erase what happened.
I will still put on my smile and let the kids see that mummy and daddy are nice to each other. But rest assured it is a mask and I will never smile at you with my eyes again. I can pretend I know you but I don’t. You look the same, smell the same and talk, walk and eat the same – but it is like another person is living inside of a body I once knew so well. I’m done trying to spare the feelings of a person I grew up with….. because that person no longer exists. I have defended who you 'were' not who you 'are' – and I feel sad that you have lost so much of yourself. You were a great person – my favourite in the world. I would’ve given my last breath for you. Now I’m not bothered if you ever breathe again.
I do not wish bad things for you. I do not hate you. I just feel ….. nothing. Which to me is worse than hate because at least there is a feeling behind it.
What you chose to do is something I will never forget. I have no issue with you not wanting to be married. Nobody should have to stay in a relationship that is not good for them. But there is a right way to end things and you failed to do so.
Please don’t mistake my kindness for a lack of memory. I am kind to you because I care more about my children than I do you. If I cared about you I would feel bitterness and hatred – neither which are in my realm of emotions towards you. I feel like my sons will have enough to try to comprehend as they grow without the added hostility of a scorned mother. But don’t take my civil manner as a form of friendship. We are not friends. We are parents to the same children and that is all.
Also can I ask that you don’t take my own happiness as a reason for you to feel less guilt? I know that you say it hurt you to hurt me, but you have made no contribution to me being content now. This feeling of vivacity has come about through my own soul searching and self reflection. It took an enormous amount of hurt and pain, that you turned a blind eye to, for me to reach this point in my life where I feel free and truly living. Yet you still tell me you don’t truly feel happy.
Perhaps the grass isn’t greener after all?? ….. But I can tell you – my lawn has never looked so lush. Perhaps it’s because people have stopped stomping all over it and it’s finally had a chance to stand to the lovely sunshine