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  1. #11
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    I agree. Its ok that he has a female friend, but if he has nothing to hide, why be so protective of his mobile. My dh and I always leave texts and emails visible to the other party, we have nothing to hide. If he doesnt want you to see it, he is hiding things.

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  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly View Post
    My theory is if you've got nothing to hide, then you hide nothing. He deleted all of the conversation. I just cant see what he could talk to her about that I couldn't see, unless it was either about me, or something inappropriate.
    This is how I feel too, regardless of the friends gender, if you cant say it in front of your partner, it shouldnt be said

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  4. #13
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    Sorry OP I'd be heartbroken if my husband behaved like this towards me, I have to say if he isn't having a physical affair it certainly sounds like he could be having an emotional one the deleting of the texts should be setting off major alarms for you

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  6. #14
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    It would ring alarm bells with me Deleting texts and hiding conversations are one of the warning signs that many people do say is what was at the start of an affair (emotional or otherwise).

    I think you need to explain to DH that his actions are making you feel uncomfortable.

    Good luck. ((hugs))

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  8. #15
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    I completely agree, with what PP have said.

    I'd be really angry/upset if my DH did that to me. I think is highly inappropriate to start a friendship with a member or the opposite sex then start keeping "secrets". Of course your going to worry and stress out now, it's not fair and rather cruel.

  9. #16
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    I think you've received some very good advice here.

    I am really sorry for your stress having to go through this.

    There is nothing I would do or say to a male friend that I wouldn't tell my husband about. Being transparent and open about any aspect of my friendships with men is what makes them ok with DH. Not to mention most of my male friends are gay too.

    I believe intimacy needs to be shared primarily between husband and wife. If he doesn't feel like he can talk to you about things, you both need to work together til you are in a place where you can... but if the first time you hear about this 'problem' is via busting him texting with a female friend in bed, thats totally not ok! You don't turn towards another woman for secret things you can't talk to your wife about (if you accept that is why he is talking to her)! It sounds an awful lot like the old trick of blaming your partner for the reason you're doing something suss. I hope it's not what it is looking like and even if it isn't, there are things/boundaries that need to change in order to restore trust.

    *big hugs*

  10. #17
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    I agree totally.

    Sometimes I don't like dp to read my texts etc but it's when I've been having private convos with my mum or sister, normally about our recent engagement and my excitement over planning our wedding...just too embarrassed for dp to see how OTT I am being!

    But if either of us had a friendship with either sex that was on the low down like that, it would definitely make me uncomfortable.

  11. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly View Post
    A bit of background info: DH used to have a lot of female friends before/when we first got together. Slowly, they ended up falling off the face of the Earth as he got into more "masculine" hobbies. Fastrack a few years and he mostly has male mates and is also friends with their female partners/wives.


    Last year when he had an accident and had to take a few weeks off work, he would hang out with a SAHM neighbour of ours who we were quite close to (she had looked after our DS a couple of days a week while I worked, DH would pick him up after work and they'd often have a beer and a chat). I started getting a bit jealous of their friendship, and we had an arguement or two about it, but nothing serious.


    She has since split up with her partner (this may or may not be important info!)


    The other night DH suggested we go and have a cuddle in bed after DS had gone to bed. As we were getting up, he got a text message. I went to go get his phone but he pounced on it and wouldn't let me read it. He ended up saying it was this female friend, and they were having a private conversation. Of course, I instantly got sh*tty as! He explained that she is just easy to talk to and was just having a general chat with her. I asked why I couldn't read what they'd said - I can't remember exactly what he said, but he pointed out that I have friends/family I can "talk" to, and he cant "talk" to his male friends, so he was doing so with her.


    I asked him why he doesn't "talk" to me, and he said some things you want to talk to friends about, not your wife. I got SUPER offended - that really cut deep that I'm supposed to be his number one, yet there's some other woman who gets to hear a side of him that I don't.


    So... am I overreacting because she's female, not male? Do I have the right to be upset that he doesn't share some of his thoughts/feelings with me, his wife? For the record, I don't think they're having an affair or anything, I guess I'm just jealous that he can confide in her with things he can't confide in me with. But then again, do I do that with my friends too, and it only bothers me because he is male and she is female?!?!!


    The even stupider (?) part is that now I feel like I don't want to share all of myself with him in retalliation. Not only that, I fear that I must pay attention to all the crap he waffles about his hobbies, because if I'm disinterested then he's less inclided to talk to me about stuff.


    GGAAHH!! Thanks for letting me vent a bit!! Sorry if there's any type-os in here, I'm typing quickly so he doesn't see that he's being posted about!
    Hi - sorry, I haven't read the other posts yet but ask yourself - would you react this way of he was having this conversation with a male friend? Don't get me wrong, I would have reacted exactly the same! It's hard not to be hurt when your partner confides in other people and not you. in saying that there are things that you don't want to talk to your partner about, but why can't he talk to his male friends about it? I would personally be feeling the same as you about it!

  12. #19
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    Okay, so I have just read the other posts. What they said! I'll PM you!!

  13. #20
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    Couldn't read and not reply! First off massive hugs!!

    This post is ringing alarm bells - yes your DH has a right to have friends but to hide conversations and delete texts is not ok!!!

    I would sit down and say that to your DH in a calm manner - that yes you have friends you talk to but if he ever asked what you were talking about you would tell him!

    Also state how unhealthy secrets in a marriage are and if anything is 'up' with him or you guys you should be the first one he talks to!

    I get the whole worrying about if you don't do this or that he will go to get - be honest with him, tell him how this is making you feel because you feeling on edge about your actions towards him aren't healthy for a relationship either!

    I agree alot of affairs begin with the man feeling like the other woman 'understands' him more - I'm not saying anything physical has happened but it certainly seems emotional!

    I'm so sorry this has happened! Good luck xxx

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