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  1. #1
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    Default DH & female friend (Warning: It's a bit long!)

    A bit of background info: DH used to have a lot of female friends before/when we first got together. Slowly, they ended up falling off the face of the Earth as he got into more "masculine" hobbies. Fastrack a few years and he mostly has male mates and is also friends with their female partners/wives.


    Last year when he had an accident and had to take a few weeks off work, he would hang out with a SAHM neighbour of ours who we were quite close to (she had looked after our DS a couple of days a week while I worked, DH would pick him up after work and they'd often have a beer and a chat). I started getting a bit jealous of their friendship, and we had an arguement or two about it, but nothing serious.


    She has since split up with her partner (this may or may not be important info!)


    The other night DH suggested we go and have a cuddle in bed after DS had gone to bed. As we were getting up, he got a text message. I went to go get his phone but he pounced on it and wouldn't let me read it. He ended up saying it was this female friend, and they were having a private conversation. Of course, I instantly got sh*tty as! He explained that she is just easy to talk to and was just having a general chat with her. I asked why I couldn't read what they'd said - I can't remember exactly what he said, but he pointed out that I have friends/family I can "talk" to, and he cant "talk" to his male friends, so he was doing so with her.


    I asked him why he doesn't "talk" to me, and he said some things you want to talk to friends about, not your wife. I got SUPER offended - that really cut deep that I'm supposed to be his number one, yet there's some other woman who gets to hear a side of him that I don't.


    So... am I overreacting because she's female, not male? Do I have the right to be upset that he doesn't share some of his thoughts/feelings with me, his wife? For the record, I don't think they're having an affair or anything, I guess I'm just jealous that he can confide in her with things he can't confide in me with. But then again, do I do that with my friends too, and it only bothers me because he is male and she is female?!?!!


    The even stupider (?) part is that now I feel like I don't want to share all of myself with him in retalliation. Not only that, I fear that I must pay attention to all the crap he waffles about his hobbies, because if I'm disinterested then he's less inclided to talk to me about stuff.


    GGAAHH!! Thanks for letting me vent a bit!! Sorry if there's any type-os in here, I'm typing quickly so he doesn't see that he's being posted about!

  2. #2
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    Sorry no help, but my gosh!! I could have written that word for word. Not the situation but thats exactly how I would of reacted and how my thought line would have gone to..

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    Sorry to say he needs to show u what the conversation is for ur piece of mind. 100% honesty is what its about. If it were a convo and u werent there thats different but its in writing!

    If he has nothing to hide and u wont judge him for *****ing about u and vice versa he should show u. But if its flirting or worst thats an issue

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    Theophania is offline 'see what had happened was..there were these three ninjas and a blue monkey and well it really wasn't my fault..'
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    I completely understand how you are feeling, I would be the same if I was in your situation, although I think I would be absolutely mental and insecure about it.. I would not be ok with my hubby hiding a message like that, I never have anything to hide from him and I would expect the same in return... In saying that I dont expect to know every conversation he has with other people, but if I asked I would be really suspicious if he hid it from me...

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    I would feel the same. My husband and I have agreed that if either of us has a friendship with the opposite sex that makes the other uncomfortable then we will end it or at least distance ourselves.
    It's not that we don't trust each other it's because we are only human.
    If you read up on affairs they usually start with a friendship and that person seems to 'get' them more than their partner.
    I think if it makes you uncomfortable then he needs to stop. If he has nothing to hide he should be happy to show you his conversations.
    Last edited by austmum; 25-05-2012 at 23:05.

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    My theory is if you've got nothing to hide, then you hide nothing. He deleted all of the conversation. I just cant see what he could talk to her about that I couldn't see, unless it was either about me, or something inappropriate.

    It's really shaken me... this sounds silly, but I feel like I've lost a slice of our relationship! Every time I think that he's shared something with her that he hasn't with me, I physically feel sick. But then again, I don't know if it's simply because she's female. Would I feel the same if it were to a male?

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    I think it's ok for men to have female friends but when they start confiding in other woman about personal things that he won't share with you then I think that this is over stepping the boundary. I don't think there should be any secrets in a relationship as this can lead to feelings of mistrust or resentment.
    I would personally try and talk to your DH again and explain how it's making you feel and if that doesn't work perhaps try talking to your neighbour if you feel comfortable enough.

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    Quote Originally Posted by austmum View Post
    It's not that we don't trust each other it's because we are all human.
    Exactly! Well said!!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly View Post
    My theory is if you've got nothing to hide, then you hide nothing. He deleted all of the conversation. I just cant see what he could talk to her about that I couldn't see, unless it was either about me, or something inappropriate.

    It's really shaken me... this sounds silly, but I feel like I've lost a slice of our relationship! Every time I think that he's shared something with her that he hasn't with me, I physically feel sick. But then again, I don't know if it's simply because she's female. Would I feel the same if it were to a male?
    I couldn't agree more with your theory.

    Does it really matter if you only feel this way because she's female? As the pp said its okay to have friends of the opposite sex but once it gets secretive and makes you uncomfortable then it's not ok.

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    So the saying goes, people with nothing to hide, hide nothing. If it were me, I'd be angry. Clearly it's something he doesn't want you to see or he would have showed you.

    and snap Holly, I didn't read the responses before I posted.


 

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