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  1. #1
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    Default Assertive? Bullied? Help!

    Hello Mommies!

    My DD (Mia) is 3 and just had her report card day.
    One of the comments we received was her assertiveness. During playtime, if other kids snatched her toys or take things from her, Mia just lets them. Doesn't make a big deal about it and went onto other things. I wish I can read what's in her mind So when this happen, often her teachers would have to intervene. Most times, Mia gets "bullied" or be taken advantage of other kids because they know my girl wouldn't mind or make a fuss about it.

    I suppose there's a bit of good and bad here but I'm not too sure.

    On hindsight, when Mia was 2.5 years old there was this one time at playground. Mia was on the swings and another bigger girl wanted a turn. Mia didn't budge so the big girl started pushing her shoulders. That's when I went to both of them and told the big girl that it is not nice to push people because it hurts. We don't hurt people. All the while noticing that Mia is also listening to this. Also adding that Mia can have 5 more minutes then let the other girl on it because we share. But Mia climbed down the swings anyway.

    Another event also when Mia was around 2.5 yrs old. We were grocery shopping and Mia had this junior trolley cart and wheeled it around with us. Mia had left the cart for a bit while looking at some biscuits when another older girl took the cart. So imagine the surprise! Mia just started fussing and said she wants it back so I looked at the big girl and asked the girl if she would kindly return Mia's trolley-cart back. With prompt by her mother, the big girl did. Once Mia got her trolley back, the bigger girl started crying openly and was upset. That's when Mia looked up to me and had this really sad face! Like I-feel-bad face. The big kid had gone away but now Mia doesn't want the cart anymore. I didn't know what to do or say to her.

    Yes, I noticed Mia does have rather strong empathy skills. Once when she was way younger, another kid got hurt on her feet and cried. Mia looked at her, then at her own feet and started getting upset too! I suppose she gets it from me. But up to a point of being "toy-bullied" sometimes at school, I'm not too sure. And certainly not comfortable with it.

    Any mommies out there experienced the same thing or have any idea what's going on? A colleague said maybe she's more verbal so once her vocabulary has increased, she'll deal with it verbally. But I'm not sure. I don't know who to ask and what's going on. Most just said I'm lucky, and I should count my blessings. I really am confused.

    Mia's an only child.
    Help!

    Miza

  2. #2
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    at that age, I would be supporting her to be herself.

    Does she have special things at home that she would chose not to share? Does she keep them safe when others visit?

    With things like daycare toys...maybe, because she is clever enough to realise that they are not "hers" she is simply non fussed.

    I think too often we have tick charts in our head that all kids must fit into certain categories...I feel, this is not true.

    If she is happy, then support her. Understand that later on, when she does make a stand, that it is very important that she is heard because it must be important to her to make that stand....but, until then, as long as she is happy and thriving then don't try and make her conform to someone else's "list" of what she should be.

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    Thank you smileygirl!
    You have no idea how your comments made me feel.
    At home, she's glad to share her toys with others. She'll show them things and play with them, although there are a tiny selection of toys she gets a little upset with if people are too rough with them. But she doesn't go and take it away from them. She just puts on an extra watchful eye on them playing with it.

    Also, I noticed if she wants something that someone elses has, she'll quietly say she wants it. Most times she'll wait til the person finishes with it then she'll quickly go get it. I think that's okay, eh? I hope.

    Anyway, yes. I'll keep a mental note on that. When she makes a stand, we'll listen and try to fulfill it. Must be very important to her thanks!!

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    I think it's probably just a personality thing.

    Some adults are like that, some aren't. I don't think this is something you need to work against... though if your child IS constantly feeling like she's not able to be happy and do her own thing, then she does need to work on assertiveness, but perhaps she's just not that bothered.

    I wouldn't stress and would wait until she's older before I began to worry about bullying.

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    sounds fine to me, she knows what she wants and she is happy to wait and then get it...determined, patient, kind, polite...all sound like great characteristics of a wonderful person.

    Often, if a child is used to their needs being fulfilled, they don't feel the need to fight or scream. They live in a world where they trust that the things they want will come to them, sometimes they might need to wait and to make some effort to get them...but, they "know" things will be ok.

    Store it all away in your mummy knowledge and be aware of it...but, if your gut says "she is doing great" and you see her compassion and ability to share and think it is working for her, don't worry. If you see her getting down or constantly missing out or never fulfilling her own needs, then step in and help her learn to be a little more assertive, but, think about the people you like to help/give things too...they are NOT normally the pushy/in your face ones are they!

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    I think she sounds like a lovely little girl!
    My DS was just like this, would run up to kids at the park with a big smile on his face and want to make friends with them, would always let others go before him on the slide, if something was being handed out would stand back and wait until last, and wouldn't be too fussed if someone took a toy off him.
    It has all changed for him in the last 6 months or so, and now he has turned a bit too far the other way, and screams at the top of his lungs if someone is on the swing he wants to be on at the park, or wants a turn on his bike, and pushes to the front when something is being handed out.
    I'm sure there is a happy medium, but I think I would prefer the less assertive version!

  7. #7
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    Zombie_eyes is offline Formerly Diamondeyes
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    She sounds so adorable and sweet. Awwww.

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    Gothel is offline Skip the drama, stay with Mama!
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    She sounds gorgeous and these qualities she has will win her a lot of friends. other peoples feeling are obviously important to her. You sound like a lovely mummy, so aware of what she is doing and how she is interacting with others. She won't go far wrong with you looking out for her

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    She sounds gorgeous!

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    Thank you lovely ladies!
    She does have her days. Certainly.
    Over the weekend we were having a gathering with cousins. The only kids there were Mia, her 4 yr old cousin and an 8 yr old boy. Mia had borrowed the 4 yr old's slippers and while she was wearing it, her cousin yanked it out from her left foot!! Luckily it was unsuccessful so Mia was balancing on her right foot, leaned forward so both her hands (right hand with a toy) were on the floor while her left foot was high up in the air being yanked by her 4 yr old cousin.

    I saw.
    For a good 10 seconds I just wanted to see if Mia would scream or yell or cry. She was busy trying to balance herself, she only yelled once "heyyyy" then went quiet. While her cousin was screaming and trying to pull the slipper off her leg. That's how everyone else noticed the "drama". I verbally asked her cousin to let go of her leg but she wouldn't. So that's when I went over, un-tangle them and also is when Mia showed me her palm and said it hurts there. Telling her cousin off and also aware that Mia's listening to everything I say - it is not nice to yank and we ask instead, not yank, and whatever she did was hurting Mia and we don't hurt people.

    After that they went off playing again.
    So as usual, before bedtime that night I'd tuck Mia in and we'll go over what we did during the day sort of like a recap. First thing she mentioned was how her cousin had taken her slipper and her palm how it had hurt. She knows it's not nice. She clearly was unhappy about it. But why had she been so quiet when the incident took place, just sort of blew me away. I wonder why she hasn't call out for help like other kids. Or am I just an extra worried mommy.

    Gosh I wish I can read her mind And know if I'm doing the right thing here.


 

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