The PND of a New Mum.

[Nazgul]

So. PND. I don't understand why it's such a taboo topic
I have no idea why when my doctor asked me is I was feeling depressed, I said no...

Im 25 years old, have the most beautiful son and engaged to the most supportive man in the world..
I "should" be happy right!? RIGHT!?
I have no understanding as to why I feel so empty, hollow, broken...
But I am.

I have a history of Depression, starting when I was in primary school... Glasses.
The pinpoint of any bullies dream and also the fact I was always a weird kid...
I used to get spat on, punched and constantly name called.

High school was worse.
After year 7 my BFF and I got separated as we were considered "a distraction" from school work.
But really she was all I had.
So in year 8, we weren't together.
I had to make new friends and instead I was more a loner than ever as my BFF made new friends and they constantly broke me down. She did her best to stand up for me, but peer pressure does get the best of teens.
I do remember in year 8, this boy MICHAEL.... I remember him so clearly... He was that boy who made it all worse. He put gum in my hair, tried setting my school kilt on fire and pushing me in the halls....
On day in science he was sitting in front of me, he kept turning around and spitting on the empty space next to me, cause no one ever sat next to me... He called me a dirty worthless ugly fat slug that no one would ever want...
BAM.
I broke his nose...
I've never had a more satisfying moment in my life...

Since that moment people were avoiding me more, in case "I went psycho b!ct# crazy" on them.

Unfortunately I didn't breath a word to my parents, I thought they were scary. I really wished, more than anything that I told them sooner...

So I moved schools in grade 9...
The next 2 years were the best.
I have a great group of friends that I'm still friends with today.

But at the end of grade 10 my parents said they were moving to qld..
I was so angry. But they asked me what I thought... I said yes to go..
But really I had to go.

Year 11 & 12,
I wish I can take it away from my memory. There was this one group of girls who made my life hell.
They never physically touched me but I was and still am, scarred but the mental and emotional torture I went through...
So by the end of year 12,
I had 3 suicide attempts under my belt and severe depression and anxiety.

Which I was heavily medicated for..

Since then I've had a series of one night stands, into the hundreds, just trying to feel something.
Which I did... More worthlessness.

I had boyfriends too, one of which dumped me by saying "I thought I was going gay by how unattractive you are"

To this day I see this every time I look in the mirror.

So when I met DF I knew he was different.
He was kind, caring, funny, generous, amazing in bed but more than that... he loved me, he still loves me, for all that I am.

So what did I do?
I got scared.
I cheated on him.
Like every single one of my boyfriends in the past.

The only difference was I came clean straight away and I knew I made the biggest mistake of my life.

I'm lucky that he has forgiven me, gone on to have a beautiful son with me and ask me to marry him.

Which leads me to now...
Yesterday DS had his 8 week immunizations. I had my postnatal check up.
And it made me think...
Why did I say no?
No to depression...
I hate myself at the moment.

My body looks horrible.
I don't eat.
I don't even get dressed anymore.
I only go out for appointments and if I do go out its just to mums.
I feel like DF is only with me cause of our son.
I don't want to push him away but it's hard to explain the way I feel.
I want to cry for no reason.
I don't go to mothers group cause I'm scared of breaking down and being a small town and a family member also attending, I don't want everyone to know.

I plan on talking to my MCHN at the next appointment but where do I start...
Why is it so hard!?

I thought after high school I'd stop feeling this way.

I'm so happy with my life, but I'm not happy?
Why can't I feel happy?

I guess I needed to vent my thoughts. A place to write how I feel.