The PND of a New Mum.

[Nazgul]

So. PND. I don't understand why it's such a taboo topic
I have no idea why when my doctor asked me is I was feeling depressed, I said no...

Im 25 years old, have the most beautiful son and engaged to the most supportive man in the world..
I "should" be happy right!? RIGHT!?
I have no understanding as to why I feel so empty, hollow, broken...
But I am.

I have a history of Depression, starting when I was in primary school... Glasses.
The pinpoint of any bullies dream and also the fact I was always a weird kid...
I used to get spat on, punched and constantly name called.

High school was worse.
After year 7 my BFF and I got separated as we were considered "a distraction" from school work.
But really she was all I had.
So in year 8, we weren't together.
I had to make new friends and instead I was more a loner than ever as my BFF made new friends and they constantly broke me down. She did her best to stand up for me, but peer pressure does get the best of teens.
I do remember in year 8, this boy MICHAEL.... I remember him so clearly... He was that boy who made it all worse. He put gum in my hair, tried setting my school kilt on fire and pushing me in the halls....
On day in science he was sitting in front of me, he kept turning around and spitting on the empty space next to me, cause no one ever sat next to me... He called me a dirty worthless ugly fat slug that no one would ever want...
BAM.
I broke his nose...
I've never had a more satisfying moment in my life...

Since that moment people were avoiding me more, in case "I went psycho b!ct# crazy" on them.

Unfortunately I didn't breath a word to my parents, I thought they were scary. I really wished, more than anything that I told them sooner...

So I moved schools in grade 9...
The next 2 years were the best.
I have a great group of friends that I'm still friends with today.

But at the end of grade 10 my parents said they were moving to qld..
I was so angry. But they asked me what I thought... I said yes to go..
But really I had to go.

Year 11 & 12,
I wish I can take it away from my memory. There was this one group of girls who made my life hell.
They never physically touched me but I was and still am, scarred but the mental and emotional torture I went through...
So by the end of year 12,
I had 3 suicide attempts under my belt and severe depression and anxiety.

Which I was heavily medicated for..

Since then I've had a series of one night stands, into the hundreds, just trying to feel something.
Which I did... More worthlessness.

I had boyfriends too, one of which dumped me by saying "I thought I was going gay by how unattractive you are"

To this day I see this every time I look in the mirror.

So when I met DF I knew he was different.
He was kind, caring, funny, generous, amazing in bed but more than that... he loved me, he still loves me, for all that I am.

So what did I do?
I got scared.
I cheated on him.
Like every single one of my boyfriends in the past.

The only difference was I came clean straight away and I knew I made the biggest mistake of my life.

I'm lucky that he has forgiven me, gone on to have a beautiful son with me and ask me to marry him.

Which leads me to now...
Yesterday DS had his 8 week immunizations. I had my postnatal check up.
And it made me think...
Why did I say no?
No to depression...
I hate myself at the moment.

My body looks horrible.
I don't eat.
I don't even get dressed anymore.
I only go out for appointments and if I do go out its just to mums.
I feel like DF is only with me cause of our son.
I don't want to push him away but it's hard to explain the way I feel.
I want to cry for no reason.
I don't go to mothers group cause I'm scared of breaking down and being a small town and a family member also attending, I don't want everyone to know.

I plan on talking to my MCHN at the next appointment but where do I start...
Why is it so hard!?

I thought after high school I'd stop feeling this way.

I'm so happy with my life, but I'm not happy?
Why can't I feel happy?

I guess I needed to vent my thoughts. A place to write how I feel.

[escapethefate]

<3 it's a hard thing to admit, even harder to do something about it. I'm hear if you need anything. And I mean that xx

[Nazgul]

<3 it's a hard thing to admit, even harder to do something about it. I'm hear if you need anything. And I mean that xx

I know Kahla.
And that's why I love you. Xo

[MamaC]

it can be so hard to admit that something's not quite right. My baby was almost 3 months old when I was diagnosed with pnd and it was so hard to admit that I needed help. I glossed over how I was feeling at the 6 week check up, but I made another appt with my gp and started to talk.

Why don't you make another appt for next week? Start talking and keep talking, don't let how you are feeling lock you away. If you can talk about it, it will get better

[Nazgul]

DS has a MCHN app. Next week.
I'm more comfortable talking to her than my GP.
I'm trying to branch out for help in all places.
The more the merrier right!?

[MuminMind]

Hi there, Nazgul. My heart broke reading your post, but thank you so much for sharing.

You ask "where do I start". You already have, right here.

It sounds like a really good idea to talk to a MCHN. Sometimes feelings like gets brushed aside, but if you just tell her what you just shared here (and please include previous mental health history, it is so relevant), I'm sure they will take your concerns seriously.

And please join us in the PND/AND private discussion area. You have no idea how much it helps to share the burden, so to speak. And we can encourage you to seek help, etc. Just send veve a pm and ask for access, and when you have access, you will find the area here: http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/f...scussion-areas

It's f*****g hard, but you are not alone.

PS: I happen to have seen photos of you, and I love your look!

[Bunny Lover]

You know what? I think you're incredibly strong, resilient and brave. Strong because you've put up with so much crap happen when you were younger. Resilient because you got to today. Brave because you've spoken out about how you feel. You're taking steps in the right direction. Just talk. As much as you can, as often as you need to. I think it's great that you're canvassing your options and intend to speak to a professional about it. Its hard to start something like that but don't feel as though you will be judged. They have seen similar things before and can assist you.
The only advice I can give you is breathe and get through today. Tomorrow is a new day and you can start over. If you can get to a place where you can start the day with a positive outlook, the rest of the day will get easier if that makes sense.
I hope you feel better soon x

[Zombie_eyes]

Not much advice here, but i wanted to give you super hugs

*suuuuppppeerrrrr duppppppppperrrrrr hugssssssssss*

[Gothel]

That is a heartbreaking read nazgul I'm sorry you went through all that and that you are feeling like you are now. it *is*really hard to talk about esp if you don't feel comfortable with the person. Just knowing in your own head that something is not right is the first step, and you already have started talking so that's the next step. Do talk to your MCHN and like MuminMind said, come into the private area and vent in there. It sucks when you feel you *should* be happy and you aren't, i used to feel like that too, I'd watch those dreamy nappy ads on tv and feel like i was on mars.
Hope to see you in the private area and I hope you feel better for getting that off your chest

[Nazgul]

I'm glad that I went through all of it in a way.. It made me the person I am now.
And I hope my son grows up knowing what happened to me and he defends the people like me throughout his life.
I would of loved one person to stand up for me, just one.
It would of made the world of difference.

But I've asked for help, I'm on the road to recovery and I'll will be around the private areas... Of PND....
Not your personal privates or that could get awkward... Lol

But he is what keeps me smiling:



I loves him. He is my heart. He is my soul. He is my world. Xo