Amps... I hope everything went ok!
Amps... I hope everything went ok!
HUGE APOLOGIES FOR THE LONG POST…
I thought I would give a history of our attempts at TTC
I was diagnosed with PCO when I was 16 and was told by my gyno at the time to come back when I wanted to get pregnant, fast forward to 29 when I was married and then we tried to save a bit- didn’t work, and began trying to conceive in 2005.
We tried for 12 + months when I was then referred to an IVF specialist.
We did our first down reg cycle in 2006 where we got 29 eggs, we were over the moon and thought we have lots of chances here- we were very green and naive then. Only 3 survived after fertilization etc. I became so sick with the cycle,I had a constant migraine for a month, a fresh embie was transferred and I was then put in hospital doped up on pethidine BFN.
We had a break between March 2006 and Dec2009, during that time I developed severe depression (my brothers gf getting pregnant by accident- this has actually happened twice-how does this happen twice at their age??), I didn’t want to get out of bed- why make the bed or get out of my PJs I was just going to get back in them?, couldn’t keep a fulltime job, was sick all the time and was in and out of hospital with migraines and I was bullied at work. In the end I think I was even getting addicted to some of the pain killers as it would just numb all my emotional as well as my physical pain. I began working with a counselor and began excercising and getting out and about again and I found a job I loved. The weight I haspiled on was starting to come off too.
2009 I found out I was gluten intolerant, and guess what? Gluten can cause infertility as well as depression and in my case was the main culprit for my migraines. This made a huge difference to OUR lives. DH had his wife back.
Dec 2009 a FET BFN we then had another break and tried clomid, FS thought it was a waste of time but I wanted to lose more weight as well as try and get some money behind us, living on one income for a while didn’t help the ivf finances.
I don’t think we ever thought it would take this long ( I suppose do any of us?) as both my SIL’s have had 5 kids between them with ivf and all bar one were all first tries..GRRR!...no pressure at all!!
April 2011 we sit down with FS and discuss our options, FS seriously saying we need to give this a ' real go' not coming and going as we are getting older.
May 2011 I did an Antagonist/ICSI cycle (this was heaven compared to my last cycle no side effects!! We found during this cycle that DH now has a low sperm count), 16 eggs and we aref ortunate with 5 blastocysts. Transfer a fresh embie, even though I have mild OHSS. FS assures me it will be ok. I get a BFP on my 37th birthday- woo hoo this has to be a sign doesn’t it?? HCG 190… 2 weeks later on my way to babysitting my brothers kids (they are my world) I have brown discharge. I panic and ring my mum (DH at work) and then ring my FS. He says not to stress due to the colour but to go see my GP tomorrow if I’m concerned (it was on a weekend). GP books me in for a scan and bTS. Nothing can be seen during the ultrasound and need an internal, sonographer finds the sac but no heart beat and the embieis measuring 1.5 wks behind. Then your mind goes into overdrive, maybe I implanted late, the sonographers not perfect they may have missed the heartbeat, it couldbe too early etc. We ring FS and tell him and he says to come and see him on the Monday for another scan. We are now 7 wks, no heart beat but there was growth- I grasp on to that, FS tells me that I am more than likely going to M/c. No I’m not- I’m not giving up on my child! FS says to have another scan in a week locally and then to come see the FS who is covering for him while he is at a conference. We scan again at 8 weeks and there was definitely no growth or hb, I still had no further bleeding. It was then recommended I have a D&C as my body was not responding accordingly. I have never been in so much pain, as I was following this procedure. It was like I was going through labor (not that I have experienced it, just what I imagine), with every clot I expelled my abdomen contracted. I was about to call the ambulance when I rang the relieving FS who saw me at her rooms at 11pm that night. She examined me and thought I must have an infection. I was placed on 3 diff types of antibiotics and pain killers.-MMC8+3 wks.Never POAS with this pregnancy.
Aug 2011 we do another FET blastocyst, nothing different was tried, I start to notice the very light brown discharge/headaches and start to wonder if this is happening again. 1st BT HCG 93 I m/c at 6 wks naturally.
Sept 2011 meets with FS and discusses doing further tests, He agrees even though I have only had 2 m/c, it’s too early to be labeled with recurrent miscarriages. He tests for blood clotting disorders, lupus, Karyotype (both clear), hep and all your other basic first tests. All come back clear.
Oct 2011 FS agrees to put in two blasties, I am given the lecture. I nod at all the right times and just state we are aware of the risks. I am put on baby aspirin (as it can’t hurt); Was taking CQ 10, Vit E as well as my pregnancy vitamins. 5 days later I know I’m pregnant again, I didn’t do a test, I can read my body very well and was noticing the subtle changes. 7dp5dt I get a faint BFP on an hpt. 5dp5dt I develop a sorethroat/ shocking headaches it continues to get worse where I have a temp of 40,placed on antibiotics, 2 days later I start to bleed. 13dp5dt HCG 1- chemical. I think i cooked the embies.
During above cycles I was working with a psychologist
Dec 2011 we discuss with FS about doing another Antag/Icsi cycle and freezing all the embryos due to me developing mild OHSS and that I want my body to be at its best when transferring an embryo and not already traumatized. He tried to talk to us out of our decision due to the money and that we would lose, but we were firm. I also spoke to him about NK cells, he stated there is still not enough evidence to support their impact on pregnancy but would be willing to treat me as though I had them.16 eggs, only 8 fertilize and we are told by the embryologist that my eggs on day 2 are no good and to think about freezing some at Day 3 to have some in the bank. That was the worst 24 hrs of or lives, we questioned if we should have done the cycle, did we just waste 16 of my eggs and our money etc...Get a call the next day and told that 3 of the eggs were excellent and they advised to freeze them today and let the others grow to weed out the weaker ones. None others survived.
Jan 2012 I quit my job too stressful, thought this could be contributing to the recurrent m/c
Feb 2012 we go on a 10 day cruise to be relaxed for the next FET and just needed a holiday, it was great didn’t think about IVF once. Out of sight out of mind.
April 2012 we transfer 2 Day 3s, i start on steroids same day as FET for 5 consecutive days, again I knew I was pregnant by 3dp3dt, this was confirmed with a faint BFP at 7dp3dt. My grandfather passed away during these two weeks, and I kept saying to myself when one life is taken another is created. We were so nervous about doing this cycle too, the embryologists words kept ringing in our heads. It was confirmed with an early HCG 112 11dp3dt, HCG 351 13dp3dt and then HCG 1763 16dp3dt- it was doubling every 1.3 days- absolutely perfect. EDD will be christmas day - my grandmothers birthday, she so wanted to see me with a baby before she passed (Another sign??) No bleeding had all the symptoms everything was going along smoothly and exactly 7 weeks we see theheartbeat and what a beautiful sight that was. Did we finally make it? Was its afe to start breathing?
That weekend I start to get pain in my buttocks, down my leg and through my hip–it hurt to walk too and the headaches were getting bad. I was constantly waking with one. I didn’t think anything of it. Then 9 days later I see that dreaded brown discharge and no instinctively what that’s meant in the past. (I had just put my ticker on bubhub too and hoped I wasn’t jinxing myself, as well as my BIL and SIL bringing their cot and accessories over for us to use- double jinx). I was at my in laws (all DH’s family was there- Dh was at work) and I ran out of there, firstly telling MIL what was happening. I get home call my mum who comes straight over. I call the Royal Women’s Hospital first who tell me they cannot do anything and then I call the Epworth who tell me to come straight away. BT’s were done and I was told to come back for an ultrasound int he morning. I dread going to ultrasounds now I think I’m developing a phobia,it’s always bad news…of course there was no HB and bub had stopped growing 5 days after the 7 wks scan. Why is my question? Everything was textbook, HCG was perfect, it was in the right position, I stopped work, and I was virtually on bedrest. It just doesn’t make sense...I had a D&C 9+1 wks and a biopsy was taken- we are praying for some answers..
To answer your question Minx I’m thinking about seeing the counsellor at the clinic as I seem to becoming disconnected- not sure if this is self –preservation or what? I know we become very resilient with IVF and its does toughen us to ane xtent but my extended family seems to be taking this harder than me. Or do i put up barriers to protect ourselves/myself because all we know is pain?
Just got a letter today from Royal Women’s Hospitalstating they would not be accepting me for the pregnancy as I’m out of the catchment and my pregnancy is not classed as complex…%$^@ off….So what am I classed as…NORMAL???
I have been writing things down to ask FS and I’ll put them on here, if others would like to see as hopefully with all our great minds put together as well as our FS’ we should be able to beat this and hold our little miracles in our arms!!!
Girls this actually felt good getting it all written down…again sorry for long long long post...
Last edited by Zakmick; 20-07-2012 at 22:45.
Zakmick - I seriously want to give you a HUGE hug Thank you so very much for sharing your story - and i'm really glad it helped <3 <3 You are one STRONG lady xox
Zac - thanks for sharing!
You have been through such a hard journey, it's hard to imagine it can get so bad but that's reality, reality that scares the absolute **** out if me. So many people take pregnancy for granted! You deserve answers & a BFP!! I hope you have these all very soon x
FIRST CYCLE FEB/MAR 2012
IVF ICSI ANTAGONIST
BFP - but sadly miscarried @ 6 weeks.....
Thanks girls im sitting here crying for the first time since last saturday (when we were at the epworth), i think i have been bottling it up and writing all that has made me deal with it. I want answers and I deserve them as we all do.
Marttc Unfortunately our struggles dont even compare to some other ladies, i read one woman had, had 13 m/c- wow!
Kandp- i got your cyberhug thanks
Zakmick thanks for sharing, you have been through too much. I really hope you get to see a counsellor, I have suffered severe depression and anxiety. The disassociation feeling you described, well I experienced that during my depression. I really hope you feel better soon, and I'm sure they will work out what's going on.
What a great thread.
Hubbie and I have been doing IVF since November 2010 I have a great FS - first stim cycle we got 10 mature eggs but only 4 fertilised - hubbie has a terrible sperm count motility and everything else. We had 3 embryos at 3 days - transfeerred fresh one BFN, FET BFN and final FET had MC at 6 weeks. I was very lucky had no pain bleeding was like AF so think I got off very lucky.
Next stim cycle was in December 2011 - we had 4 mature eggs and 3 embryos so better fertilisation rate. We transferred 2 day 4 embies - BFN and transferred hatching blast which I got very low bloods today so we think it wont end good and will result in chemical pregnancy. For this FET my FS put me on baby asprin, high folate and clexane. Unlike other FETs my period didnt come before test day so think that may have made a difference and will definitely try that in the future.
What I find hard is people I know coming out on FB at 4 and 5 weeks pregnant - have no idea of how fragile early pregnancy can be.
I believe both of us have dealt with the BFNs in quite a good way - it doesnt really get us down. We know that they just werent meant to be. We know that our life will be with children but we just need to wait for the right ones to come to us.
We havent gone and seeked counselling from the clinic apart from the compulsory session that we needed to do. I think for us too we are still enjoying life we have friends with kids and try not to get too down about it - if that makese sense.
I am too feeling the age thing as I am now 37 and hubbie 41 but at least we keep saying to people - we are lucky we can afford IVF and we know there is an issue so we are doing something about. MY heart breaks for friends back home in NZ who are 28 or so waiting 2 years on the public list and having to fork out 12-15K to do a private cycle. Seems just so so unfair.
Have a good night all.
Oh my gosh, that's horrible & I imagine each one gets harder?
Honestly though, maybe you don't compare to someone who's had 13 but don't for a sec think you haven't been through too much as someone else said... You might shake your head at me... But when I look at my friends pregnancies and I think I've been through too much already :-/
FIRST CYCLE FEB/MAR 2012
IVF ICSI ANTAGONIST
BFP - but sadly miscarried @ 6 weeks.....
Minxxq, thanks for starting this thread, it's a really good idea. It really sucks that so many of you have been through this. I'm really sorry it didn't work out for you this time.
Kmvw, it can be hard to stay positive after a loss. As much as i want to get into our next one, part of me is dreading going through the whole roller coaster again. One cycle of IVF is stressful enough, and it does put your life on hold. I know what you mean about feeling cursed, my dp and i feel exactly the same.
Rachel, it sounds like you have been through a lot, i hope you get lucky soon.
Amps, firstly are you ok!!?? I'm sorry this cycle didn't work for you totally sucks. It can be so hard to face family stuff. All the pregnancy announcements can be tough to take. I hate it, but i find myself getting spiteful too. My partners cousin just got married, he's in his 40's and she's 7 years older than me, and i reckon she's already pregnant. I have 3 close friends who got pregnant literally the first month of trying. It wears you down after awhile.
Luckychance, 10 years, my god you are a trooper! That is just not fair.
Marttc, i've got everything crossed for you this time chick. You did it once, you can do it again, just have to make it stick.
Midnite, it sounds like you've been on a journey, i really hope that the IVF works soon for you. I really feel for people who struggle to pay for IVF. it is an amazing technology, but it's sad that some couples have to spend so much money to have a child. I try to look on the bright side too, that we are in a situation right now that we can afford to do as many cycles as it takes.
Zamick you are an AMAZINGLY strong woman. You have been through so much, and it really isn't fair at all. I don't know how you have managed to be so brave and get through all of that. The consolation in all of that is that you CAN get pregnant. You have the first part, i just really hope that your FS can work out how you can make it stick. Thanks for writing down your story. You can only bottle it up for so long, it just implodes and makes you feel worse.
i understand what you all mean about your life being on hold. I totally feel like mine is, and it causes tension with my DP. He wants us to move interstate, but i want to stay with our clinic and be close to my daily and friends for support as he is away a lot. I knew that IVF wasn't a sure thing, but after our first cycle when they kept telling us we had "impressive textbook embryo's" we thought it would have worked by now. It is really hard to find the strength to pick yourself up and try again. At the same time, i hate the waiting. I feel more in control when i'm in a cycle, rather than waiting.
Zakmick...thank you so much for sharing your journey. It must have been very cathartic. I totally relate to just wanting to stay in bed when in the depths of depression. I dread ever going back to that place... Like you I keep tabs of myself to make sure I am not on that spiral... my mate the black dog makes this a daily routine at some level for me. It could be could be so easy to let that black dog nip my heals again.
So glad you discovered your gluten intolerance... your quality of life must have improved significantly. I think your story is inspiring and obviously there are a number of us that can identify with you on some level.
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