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  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by lovesushi View Post
    I don't know much about ivf. If a friend tells me she's doing ivf what should i say? Is "Good luck" ok?

    Sent from my U20i using BubHub
    Hi Lovesushi,

    I think the best thing is to be honest. Just say to them that you don't know much about it but that you are there for them to talk to if they need it. I think she would be impressed to know that you are trolling IVF forums to try and find out some info for yourself too.
    General rule of thumb, if it's a cliche, don't say it. And remember that sometimes us IVF folk like to be a bit negative, when I am cycling I am always saying that it won't work and hunting for AF symptoms and as such. Don't necessarily agree with her or reinforce what she says, but don't try and be positive or make her "feel better". Just be there.

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  3. #52
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    "Relax" - 4 years of trying i was pretty over it in the end

    "Your still young you have plenty of time" - Umm no i dont. My AMH is so low that im going to apparently go through menopause earlier than most people my age.

    "You can have my eggs or ill carry your baby" I understand they are being supportive but it isnt helpful when you havent started IVF yet. It just feels like they feel like we cant do it with our own eggs & sperm & we havent even started yet.

    "You sure you want kids" & "You want one of mine" When there child is crying & running a muck. Of course we want children. We arent doing IVF for fun.

    Then when you are pregnant, they ask "Do you have a preference for the sex of the baby" Its still amazes me people who know we are doing IVF ask this. Of course we dont have a preference we took so long to get here we just want our baby to be healthy & growing & in our arms.

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  5. #53
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    When I found out my brother and SIL were beginning IVF treatment after years of trying and a few miscarriages, I sent them both a Facebook PM telling them that I loved them, that I hoped it all went well, that I realised what a stressful time it was going to be for them and that I wouldn't be constantly on their backs asking them what was going on and when. I told them that I would never pretend to have a clue what they were goign through. I told them that I was interested in knowing when transfers and things were happening, but I wasn't going to bombard them with questions and they could just let me know if they wanted me to know. I let them know that I was thinking of them and that I 100% supported them. I told them I would always be there to talk to if they needed someone other than eachother to talk to.

    I don't know if this was wrong or right, but it seemed to be ok. They thanked me for my message, and always kept me updated on what was going on without me asking them. The subject wasn't taboo at all, I just was very cautious not to overstep my involvement, because really, it isn't anyones business other than the couple going through it.

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  7. #54
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    These are great, just what I needed! I have had some stupid one's too.

    When I told a friend we had secondary infertility and would prob try IVF as no success naturally she said "you're obviously not doing it right, how did you manage to get DS?" WTF!

    I also get told ALL the time that I am lucky to have DS like I don't know this. Yes, I am lucky, I'm very blessed but I would like to have another baby and give him a sibling, is my desire for a second child not valid because I already have one?

    On the other side of this, by someone who didn't know we were having problems conceiving I was told I was selfish not to give DS a sibling as "only children are lonely children".

    You can't win.

  8. #55
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    Some of my favs are:

    You know it only takes normal people sex to become pregnant? Umm, insulting much?

    Maybe if you tried a bit harder, it would work.

    When someone found out that DH was infertile they told me to just have sex with someone else and when I fell pregnant just let DH think it is his. Umm did they ever think DH may become a little suspicious considering he does not produce sperm full stop?

    Another from a so called friend was to tell me how hard it is being infertile (she had been trying for a total of 2 months) and when I said yeah I know, she turned around and told me I had no idea as I wasn’t actually infertile.

    My personal fav was a friend telling me that I was so lucky DH was infertile as I could now choose a sperm donor that I thought was better looking and smarter than DH .

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  10. #56
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    Here's one that other MFI gals get I'm sure:

    "Oh, does he wear boxers or briefs, cause if he wears briefs tell him to wear boxers. Then he'll be fine."

    Or

    "I have a friend who had a low sperm count and he took menevit for a couple of months and cut out alcohol" then he was fine.

    That's when you have to break it down for them.
    "A normal man produces 20million sperm per ml of semen, on our first stim cycle we needed 2 samples to get 4 sperm to fertilise 4 eggs, that's less than 4 sperm in about 5ml of semen."

    *wish there was a smiley face to symbolise banging my head on a brick wall*

  11. #57
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    I think the absolute worst response is just silence.

    I'm pretty open about it, and I find it helps to talk about it. But if I start telling someone about where we're up to, or if I mention to someone (who didn't already know) that we're doing IVF, and they go silent... look embarrassed... look away... Well, it makes me feel terrible.

    I think sometimes people think that it will upset me to talk about it. But if I've brought it up then I really do want to talk about it. Talking helps me.

    Awkward silence makes me feel like I've committed a terrible faux pas/ said something I shouldn't.

  12. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grebbeci View Post
    *wish there was a smiley face to symbolise banging my head on a brick wall*

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  14. #59
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    This thread is making me laugh even though I don't have any personal experience in IVF

    But I have to guiltily admit I have said some of these things (especially the I had a friend who did IVF then fell pregnant naturally.. But only cos I do seem to have a lot of these..)

    I do have a question though. I have several friends about to start IVF, so from your experience what WOULD be a good, supportive, non-patronizing thing to say? Just 'how are you feeling with everything' if they happen to bring it up? What did you find helped (or at the very least did not offend..)

    Paranoid now....

  15. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by purplecat View Post
    This thread is making me laugh even though I don't have any personal experience in IVF

    But I have to guiltily admit I have said some of these things (especially the I had a friend who did IVF then fell pregnant naturally.. But only cos I do seem to have a lot of these..)

    I do have a question though. I have several friends about to start IVF, so from your experience what WOULD be a good, supportive, non-patronizing thing to say? Just 'how are you feeling with everything' if they happen to bring it up? What did you find helped (or at the very least did not offend..)

    Paranoid now....
    Yes, I think that's a great starting point. And then just letting them talk. No need to offer platitudes (i.e."It will happen when the time is right"), but maybe just say to them something like "How are you doing? Do you want to talk about it or would you rather not?" And then, depending on what they say, ask about how they're feeling, how they're coping, and sympathise with them.

    One of my friends has been lovely. She's texted on days when I've had 'important' appointments - which means a lot that she remembered them. She's always just asked questions about the process, how the drugs made me feel, and said things like "You poor thing - that totally sucks!"

    I know that doesn't sound like she's saying much, but for me that's just what I need - to feel that someone 'gets' how crappy it all is!

    Sometimes when people say things like "Ahh you'll get there" it feels like they're brushing off how devastating this all is.

    And maybe ask them "Is there anything I can do? Do you want to catch up for a coffee/ wine/ decaffeinated beverage (depending on what they're doing) on Tuesday (or day of appointment)?"

    When they go for egg pick-up they might be a bit sore/ out of sorts afterwards (it's a general anaesthetic), so again you could ask "Can I do anything to help? Do you want me to come over?"

    I'm sure they'd appreciate you asking, even if they didn't take you up on it. I'm sure that however you approach it you will do it the right way, as you sound very lovely to be wanting to get it right now.

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