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  1. #1
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    Default How can I be her bridesmaid?!

    To cut a long story short my brother is getting married and I cannot stand his fiancé! She is seriously one of the most unpleasant people I have ever met she treats my brother terribly, isolates him from friends and family, is always on his case and often abuses him in front of people. She lies constantly and about the most unusual things, she has even told lies to get ds 2 in trouble (said that he jumped on her head, but didn't realise dh was watching). She is really unpleasant to b around (just sits in there with a sour face occasionally sighing or Rollin her eyes) I really think she has a mental illness. I have discussed this with my brother and last time they had a fight he told her she needed to seek help but now they are not fighting it has been 'overlooked.
    Sorry for the rant.... Back to my question....
    She has asked me to be one of her bridesmaids (she is having 2). I have really tried to get along with her and b a helpful bridesmaid but I just cannot deal with her erratic behavior anymore or the way she treats my brother and the rest of my family. She has NO friends at all so it won't b easy for her to get someone else
    I'm worried that if I tell her I'm not going to do it she will take it out on my brother and possibly tell him he needs to drop one of his groomsmen.... But I just cannot stand the thought of spending time with her!... I can't pretend to like her anymore and I certainly can't b a helpful and enthusiastic bridesmaid!!
    Wat do I do?!?

  2. #2
    futureherder is offline Child led parent here...save me :)
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    That's a hard one, straight away ivwas going to say just do it for your bro but after being a bridesmaid and a MOH to people I love dearly I know how trying the whole process can be. The two issues I had were a) not having the time for them that they seem to require b) not wanting or having the money to burn that it costs. Maybe try being honest and telling her that you appreciate it but think you would have issues 'being' there for her the way a bride deserves, not sur if money would be an issue. See what she says? Turning her down could cause major issues but bring her bridesmaid could cause even more!

  3. #3
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    Personally if that was my brother I would be trying to seek help for him. He sounds like he is in an abusive relationship and she sounds mentally ill.
    Can you talk to him? Does he see this isn't normal behaviour? Can he imagine spending the rest of his life with her more then likely miserable.
    Anyway you can get him to speak to someone about this?

    I couldn't be a bridesmaid in that situation, I'd probably tell her she was mentally ill and needed help.
    I would also try my best to get my brother out of this relationship.

    Because really if the gender roles where reversed everyone would be trying to get the woman out of it.

  4. #4
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    I would talk to my brother about it. Ask how he feels about her behavior and if he's sure about getting married. Be honest about your concerns but tell him you will do it for him if he really wants you to. That's what I would do. It depends whether you have a really open and close relationship with your brother. You might not feel comfortable doing that. That's what I would do!!

  5. #5
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    I completly agree! I have said so many times this is a txt book abusive relationship only the gender is reversed! I have spoken to my brother occasionally he agrees sometimes he just dosnt want to hear it. I have a friend who is a psycho therapist who I have been speaking to for advice. I will continue to try to help my brother because I am seriously worried for him
    I think this would b easier if i was not her bridesmaid and maybe me not being a bridesmaid would open his eyes to just how concerned I am?

  6. #6
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    From another perspective.
    My DH's family don't like me, IRS a long story but DH was quite close to his sister & they confided in each other, he didn't realise how much his sister then judged me after some things he told her, which to be honest were pretty normal r/ship arguments etc... His sister was repairing everything to the family, before we knew it the whole family didn't agree with our wedding! At the end if the day we had a family meeting because family fights were getting out if control, the while family always blaming me when they were actually being just as nasty to me :-( I was really hurt by how much his family hated me & it was unjust!
    As DH pointed out to them, it was his fault they thought these things about me because he only ever told them all the negatives about me or our arguments, & so that's all they heard and ran with it.....
    But ask yourself, how often do you walk around saying my dh is awesome, he is so good to me, he did this lovely thing for me blah blah... Well you don't, it's so much easier to talk the negatives!!
    As far as her erratic behavior, maybe she suffers depression, if you are are bridesmaid then your in her eyes a friend!? Maybe you need to find the right moment to see if she's interested in professional help? Be a friend to lean on rather than making things worse? All I ever wanted was for DH family to like me but it's become a gang like family & it's horrible... We have gone through tuff times & would love family support but we no linger trust them as we know they all just gossip about the negatives in our lives :-(

    I'm not having a go at you but merely pointing out it may not be exactly what you think you see?

    I hope you can work this out but I agree if you don't like her, and don't support the marriage, you should be a part of their day as things will get even more stressful as it gets closer..
    Can you say you are honored but would really love for her to have another girlfriend, maybe you would really love to be there as a family guest but would live to help wherever you can, offer to video it or something?! Good luck :-))


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  7. #7
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    I appreciate your view. I have been really conscious of trying to see it from different perspectives which is probably y I have said so little and gone along with being her bridesmaid.
    He has told me some awful things she says to him which make my blood boil but I do appreciate that it is out of context. Most of what really makes me angry though is wat I have seen myself (as above with lying about ds and countless other lies) I have witnessed her being really nasty to him (even at our place) and she has told me things (ie. "your brother and your little sister (5) look so much alike that I slapped him in the face after the first time I saw her because I thought she was really his daughter and your mum was just raising her" it is just bizarre! I have also witnessed my brother cleaning out the cupboards while she was at work as she has a hoarding 'thing' and they were literally full of garbage. she is very young but surly this is more serious than just immaturity! And even if immaturity has a lot to do with it mayb marriage is not a good idea right now.....
    I think talking to him is a good idea. I have at times discussed it but never really pushed. I think I need to tell him how i am feeling about being a bridesmaid though.

  8. #8
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    I have really tried to b a friend to her. One night my brother was away and her and I had dinner. I was surprised that she really started to open up and was feeling mayb I would be able to help her. Unfortunatly next time I saw her it was back to normal, it really left me thinking she had 'faked' the entire evening. She is a compulsive liar and a great manipulator so u never know which her is her! I am someone who really values openness and honesty so I really find it hard to talk to her without feeling she is disrespecting me by lying

  9. #9
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    How long until the wedding? Have you already chosen dresses etc?

    If you can't bring yourself to do it you need to be tough and let her know sooner rather than later.

    I feel sorry for your bro, sounds like he's in deep & doesn't have the courage to address the issues at hand.

  10. #10
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    6 months until the wedding.... We have looked at dresses but not ordered yet.
    I know if I do tell her it needs to be soon.
    How would I tell her.... It would b easy to make an excuse ie. it would b easier if I can help dh with the kids (completly untrue but an excuse none the less) but I think I would regret not having taken the opportunity to be honest with her.
    In a way I think it is laziness on my brothers behalf.... He just keeps putting up with it because he thinks it is easier than going through a break up and then being alone.


 

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