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  1. #11
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    Zombie_eyes is offline Formerly Diamondeyes
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bell & Bug View Post
    I have issues with crying, but I try to do what I can. Sometimes I'll give her a cuddle, or else I'll suggest if she needs to let it out that she can go lay on her bed with her special toy. It depends on exactly why she is crying, if she is hurt then I don't have much of an issue with her crying. I feel bad that I can't handle crying, but I do try my hardest to not let it affect my DDs and how they express themselves.

    (My mother uses crying to manipulate those around her, so when DD1 cries for seemingly no reason, it puts me on edge, my anxiety goes up.)
    *hugs* mostly we are a product of our upbringing, its so good you recognize the issue you have with it, and try to not let if affect your daugers.

    My dh cannot handle the crying or the screaming, he gets flustered, he panics, and then he gets quite angry. But like i said in a previous post, mil tells my children with special needs, to harden up...so im not surprised dh is this way. I tell dh before he reaches anger, let me take over with them. He tries, but its not easy, so dont beat yourself up about it, you try and thats the main thing.

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    Yes I do. My Mother is pretty cold and didn't like it if I had strong feelings on things and I don't want that for my kids.

    If DS is upset, I comfort him when he lets me. He's 2 and his tantrums have hit a new level lately. Sometimes he is too upset for cuddles and just wants to be left alone to cry it out. If I stay with him he thrashes and gets angrier so I give him time alone.

    I hope I won't ever belittle my kids for feeling whatever they do, or tell them how they should feel.

  3. #13
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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    I let her feel what she fells with support and I try to be a soft place for her to fall when needed.

    My niece really struggles with her parents separating and her father moving a new woman in to the house immediately, but not acknowledging that this woman was his new partner . Her father just couldn't cope with her crying and would never let her just feel it and sit with that feeling so it really made the whole separation thing worse for her.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DiamondEyes View Post

    My dh cannot handle the crying or the screaming, he gets flustered, he panics, and then he gets quite angry. But like i said in a previous post, mil tells my children with special needs, to harden up...so im not surprised dh is this way. I tell dh before he reaches anger, let me take over with them. He tries, but its not easy, so dont beat yourself up about it, you try and thats the main thing.
    It's been hard work getting DH to a place where he does verbalise how he's feeling and it took a whole shift in perception from him that in fact real men DO talk about how they are feeling. Women now don't want the strong silent type. They want a man that talks about how he's feeling. It also makes conflict much easier to solve when people can pinpoint the emotion behind the anger.

    I want my son to be a good husband, one that isn't a neanderthal. I feel that will increase his chances of having a long lasting marriage. So maybe you could couch it in those terms with your DH? Does he want a son that grows to be a man that talks about his feelings and works thru conflict or one that breaks things or represses everything? Bc we are what we're taught....

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    DD1 we let her cry, or sulk or whatever helps, but we also ask her what is wrong to see if there is a solution. If there isn't, or she still wants to cry it out, that's fine.
    DD2 is a little more problematic. She has never "cried", she full on screams. It is honestly the loudest thing I've heard come from a human being. When she's sad or angry, it's a full on ear piercing scream. Much harder to just let her do until she feels satisfied, especially away from home. We are trying to get her to talk about what's wrong, but as a 2 year old it can be hard for her to get it out properly. Unfortunately others (even family) think she's just throwing tantrums because of the pure volume of it, and tell her off, yell at her, punish her, etc. Plus I'm a bad mum for not "controlling her"... ie smacking her for it.

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    My two are a little older being tweens but
    absolutely they are free to express their emotions, whatever they may be!
    I never tell them how to feel and let them vent, cry etc however they like.
    Then I pick them up if they need comfort or I help sort out the issue if I can. They will never feel wrong for having emotions.

    I also have their bedrooms as
    their 'safe' place.. I don't argue, discipline, talk to them about problems (unless they ask me in!) in there. I feel like they deserve a place to retreat, a place where they know they are 'safe' from a lecture of punishment, a place to clam down etc
    It works really well for us

    DH on the other hand struggles, he was raised being told what he was allowed to feel, so he struggles to accept that if they want to fly off the handle and cry for 20 minutes over not being allowed to eat icecream 10 minutes before dinner, then theyy are entitled to whether he agrees or not!

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    Absolutely, yes. My DD is VERY emotional, she gets upset or angry very very quickly. When she's upset I give lots of cuddles and let her know it's ok to feel this way. When she's angry, I leave her alone because that's what she wants/needs. When she's calmed down we have cuddles and talk about it.

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    I think its very important! I always tell ds when hes angry "its ok to feel angry but its not nice to hit walls" etc when hes older im going to try and get him to talk though why hes angry etc

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    Edit. My four year old has setups fear of needles, doctors, dentists etc. I want to teach him to be brave but don't want to tell him its wrong to be scared

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    Last edited by bumMum; 20-05-2012 at 09:22.

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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    My kids won't grow up feeling repressed and bottling stuff up like I did. I engaged in a lot of destructive behaviours as a teen and looking back it was to do with those feelings of repressing my anger and hurt. I was acting out my feelings bc I wasn't allowed to show or verbalise them for fear of burdening my mother.
    This! I had a similar experience, it's the only thing I wish had been different about my own upbringing, I think I could have avoided years of confusion and suffering...
    So I think it's very important to teach kids to identify and express emotions, and that it's ok to sometimes feel sad or angry or anxious or whatever else.
    Especially for boys, given the persistent social pressure put on them to never show emotions, I've seen that come out in bad ways.


 

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