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  1. #1
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    Default How would you handle this?

    So im really new to bub hub, but I've been reading through forums and it's helped me out alot through this pregnancy, and was wondering if anyone else had/is going through the same problems I did and if they had any advice on how to deal with it.

    So let's start of with, im 19, married and 37 weeks pregnant. Through out this whole pregnancy, I've been bombarded with 'advice' from my hubby's family. He comes from a very veeeeeery traditional family and are very strict on what I could and couldn't do throughout this pregnancy such as not being allowed to ride a bicycle, eat a pineapple, eat ice, be out after 6.30 .. Oh the list goes on. I've mainly had to deal with his aunties, who are very close with each other and have done everything they've asked me to but still I've copped so much flack from them! I remember being 12 weeks and feeling lethargic all the time, and having no energy to do anything so I'd just rest most of the time, I'd get called lazy and that my baby will be a slow and lazy baby. Now that I'm 37 weeks, and due anytime, they say things like "I don't know how your mother raised you, but this is the right way to do it for your child" or "OUR family were brought up the traditional way, that's always the best way for your child, I don't know about you". Through their "advice" too, they always, ALWAYS, have an underlying message. And that is I won't be a capable mother because I am young and really a moron, in their eyes. I am young but, I have got a head on myself, I don't smoke, drink, go out partying, I am currently studying to be a nurse and have had years of experience working with children through babysitting. Im constantly being told quite bluntly what I have in mind for my child in terms of upbringing, food, clothing, basically everything, is plain wrong and stupid and that they know best. To be honest, they aren't exactly the best parents themselves.
    Just this week, one of them let her kid stay home from school for one straight week and took her out shopping because 'she felt like it' .. None of their kids are allowed extra curricular activities or playing outside because of strangers. All are overweight because of this and due to the fact that the parents give in to everything the child wants to eat. They swear, have no respect for the elderly and are generally rude. Why would I want to take advice from them? I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic, but would highly appreciate any advice from anyone that has been in the same position as me, because I've just had enough!!

  2. #2
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    Congrats on your pregnancy. It must be so exciting for you... But what a horrible time you've been having with your in-laws! You've been amazing to put up with it all...

    Here's what I think tho... The answer lies with your DH. It's his family and you are his chosen bride. He needs to insist that his family respect you and speak to you nicely. It's best coming from him and if his family value him they need to start accepting you. It's too bad if they think you're young or will not be the best mum... That's between DH and you and you will work everything out for yourselves in good time.

    If DH is meek and won't stand up for you.... Do it yourself. As politely as you can be firm and put them in their place. Tell them to mind their own business etc... and cut out the rudeness as this cannot continue..

    Hope ur DH stands up for u.

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  4. #3
    Zakmick's Avatar
    Zakmick is offline Can't change the past, but we can learn from it to make us stronger and move forward!
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    I agree with brown sugar but also your thoughts on how you would like to raise your child must be similar to DH, as I'm sure you have discussed how you would like to raise a child together. So they are criticizing him as well and he needs to stand up to them.
    Everyone is entitled to an opinion but who says what they are doing is right? With what you have said, I would take on board what they say and do the opposite!
    Yes you are young, yes it's your first cold but instinctively you already know what they are saying is not the way you want to raise your child, you have accepted that they just need to now.
    I would try and stay away from them as much as you can for the rest of the pregnancy as they are stressing you out! I read something the other day that I thought was good advice too. When your irritated or angry at someone don't let then live rent free in your head- you don't gain anything from it accept undue pain stress! So other words forget about them and focus on this exciting journey ahead of you!

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    Seriously..? Why hasn't your DH stuck up for you? He needs to put them in their place. I wouldn't have been able to put up with it at all, I'd have gone off by now.

    Hun, if it's this bad now, it will be 100x worse when bub arrives! Make your DH say something now or you may have to.

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    Are you living with them or do you see them a lot? That would drive me mental! Yep, your DH needs to something NOW.

    I would start avoiding situations you receive advice and also stop talking about it.

    I am annoyed just reading your post!

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    Rinahbee  (18-05-2012)

  10. #6
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    Ok you need to tell them to stop otherwise the 'advice' will just keep coming harder and heavier once bub is here.
    Do you have family that supports you?
    Wow I thought my in laws were bad.
    Basically tell them that you are the mother, not them.
    If you are living with them, I suggest you move out even if it means you have to eat two minute noodles for the next 12 months as this sort of behaviour can send you crashing into pnd very quickly when bun gets here.
    Tell your dh to grow some balls and stand up for HIS family.
    After all they are now. second to you!

    Sent from my MotoA953 using BubHub

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    Rinahbee  (18-05-2012)

  12. #7
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    Oh and as for you being young, tell them to watch teen mom! Much better mothers than some I see!

    Sent from my MotoA953 using BubHub

  13. #8
    Bonkers is offline wishes she was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum, 'cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
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    ild tell them to "get stuffed, its my pregnancy not yours" and tell your DH he should be putting a stop to this, specially if they are putting you down

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    Stay strong. You sound smart and you and your husband need to decide how to raise your kids, not his aunts etc. when they give advice smile and say "thanks for that, hubby and I will discuss it" or "it's always great to hear other people's ideas" or "i will give that some thought" but don't commit to taking the advice, and don't feel that you should. As you said, they aren't perfect parents. You will do your best for your baby and they have had their time. But remember they are probably coming from a place of caring, but that doesn't mean you have to heed them. And as for your question, has anyone else been through this. I think most parents have! Unfortunately the second you get pregnant everyone around you becomes an expert and a teacher!

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  16. #10
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    While I agree with getting your DH to stand up for you, it does seem most of the time when the husband comes from a very traditional-family-orientated background he won't stand up as such, he'll just sort of say 'yeah, I guess'. I could very well be wrong and your DH will say to them back off and let us do this. But just in case, YOU need to be the one to assert yourself and let them know you've got this, and while you appreciate their support, you are the parent and therefore you will be doing all the parenting. You don't have to agree with their methods by any stretch, but you can say so respectfully. It's when you do that and they still don't care that you have to be more.. how do I put it... rude.

    You don't live with them do you? If so, I'd strongly suggest you get out of there. Things will become even crazier when you have the actual baby there with you. My DH's family were over-bearing and his grandmother used to come into his parents room and take him out of the cot - he wasn't crying - so that she could take him to the bassinet set up in her room and 'parent' him. They weren't assertive. (They are all crazy though - totally different story)

    Being a parent that first time is a total learning experience. And you come out of it best if you learn mistakes yourself and find the way to parent that works for both of you. You might find some of their advice works, so thank them for that, some won't so don't mention it. Just remind them of their place - which is extended family - and assert your place - which is the parents.

    Congratulations too by the way. I was 19 when I had my first and it's the best thing in the world and you learn so much. I just wish I had stood up for myself more instead of thinking DH would tell his nutso family to back off. Nevermind, I did eventually learn and once I got them to remember who was the mother/father things were wonderful!

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