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  1. #1
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    Default So, what are the rules?

    FOB and I separated almost two weeks ago, and I've got no idea where to begin.
    We have nothing in writing regarding the custody of DS1 (is that something I should get?) but he is with me 100% of the time, and has been since birth.

    We separated when I was 14 weeks pregnant with DS1. He was exclusively breastfed until 6 months, and then breastfed for a long time after that. I could never express much milk, although I had a good supply, so FOB couldn't have him without me. That was fine, by the time DS1 stopped being exclusively breastfed, FOB and I were 'dating' again, and pretty much in a relationship, so spent all our time as a family.

    Now, DS1 is 20 months old. FOB looked after him on his own for the first time last month, when I was hospitalised. It was fine, and I believe DS1 had a good time.
    FOB and I don't/didn't live together, and it was sadly, very common for him to not see DS1 for a week, or see him one day out of the week.
    As it stands now - FOB has not seen DS1 since the day he decided to end our relationship, which will be two weeks on Saturday.

    We met up to talk last Saturday, and he was supposed to have DS1 for a few hours (I suggested this, because he hadn't seen him in a week) after that...but decided last minute that it didn't suit him, because there wasn't enough time before he was having friends over "for a few drinks". So that didn't happen, I tried to be courteous about it and offered to take DS1 to his house for a few hours on Monday.

    After scarcely hearing from him over the rest of the weekend/Monday day, he sent me multiple text messages beating around the bush about the fact that Monday no longer suited him. He said that it was because he didn't have a car seat for DS1, but I fail to see how that would have been a problem, as I had arranged to take him there/pick him up (unless he was planning to take him somewhere without my knowledge, which is a whole other issue!).

    So I'm assuming that he will call me today or tomorrow, and ask to have DS1...and to be honest, I'm inclined to tell him to get lost. I don't know how these things usually work...I don't know if it's okay for him to keep bailing like that, and I don't know if I have to just let him have DS1 whenever it suits him. I really don't want this to get any messier than it is, and I feel like if I don't ask "how high?" every time he says jump, then it's going to.

    He is supposed to be watching him for the day on Sunday, because I have to go wedding dress shopping with my sister...but it's like he's going out of his way to make it uncomfortable for me. I obviously can't rely on him.

    He has already told me that he's going out on Saturday night...I told him that if he's even a little bit hung over, he is not watching DS1, but how will I know if he is? I won't be there. What should I do?

    I hope that I'm wrong, but it seems like FOB is only asking to have DS1 to spite me. It was never an issue to him to go a week without seeing him, and I was always the one calling and begging him to come and spend time with him/us.

  2. #2
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    I had this problem for YEARS. Absolutely years. We'd organise for him to have DS, so I'd organise something re work or social life and he'd cancel at the last minute. In the end I told him you either pick a day that suits you that you will take him or p!ss off. No more cancelling nor mucking around.

  3. #3
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    HugsBunny is offline Once upon a time there was a bunny.........
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    Hugs It's tough.

    From what you've said though, I wouldn't ask FOB to have DS at all. Never offer. Don't initiate contact. If FOB wants to see DS, let him.

    But document EVERYTHING. Just in case. Document every time he said he'd have DS and then bailed.

    You don't HAVE to let FOB have anything, but it would look better if it goes to mediation and court if you have never withheld DS from his father unless there was a safety issue.

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  5. #4
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    Oh Story of my life!!!

    We now have a parenting plan that i initiated which has worked very well for us. He made the demands of wanting DS every second weekend so that is what he gets (whether FOB is there or not is another story but at least DS spends time with hsi fathers side of the family)

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    He'll know you mean business if you arrange some mediation to get it worked out. Look up Relationships Australia.

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    I agree with pp's. You've done your bit, offered and organised times for him to spend some time with his child. He's failed to come through or prioritise his life. Stop ringing him and keep records. As a child i came from this same situation and my ds1 also has a no show dad so I can honestly say if he choses to be an absentee dad, as sad as that is then it's better for you and the child to know where you stand. Broken hopes and promises will hurt your child more than nothing at all!

    Sent from my HTC Incredible S using BubHub

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    You def should get a parenting plan and go to mediation.


 

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