When did I stop jumping in the waves..??
The short answer is when my feet starting sinking in the sand.
But of course… there’s a long answer . For those who’ve not read my ramblings before please rest assured that my view and understanding of things is based solely on my own experiences. And I am not, for one second passing judgement on anyone else. I write down my thoughts to better comprehend them…to make sense of the things in my life. So on that note I shall continue……
So both the question and answer I ponder are metaphorical yet at the same time literal. In the sense that, for a period of time I did actually stop jumping in the waves. But also that question means so much more to me than just physically being at the beach in the water, jumping. It means – when in life did I stop being carefree and just doing something for the sake of it, for no other reason than to be free and have fun??
For me this digression to unhappiness was very gradual. In fact it went virtually unnoticed. It was only once I began to feel happy that I realised I was just gliding through life – without living it.
A huge hurdle in my life was being an overweight adult. I was always a healthy size 12 until I became married. From that point on, my clothing size increased, along with the emptiness inside of me. As I said earlier I didn’t know that then. But I do now. I also know that ‘for me’ being overweight was something that I had many excuses for. It was something that I actually came to accept and thought was my destiny. I honestly believe that I had an overweight mind. Which in turn made my body unhealthy. I didn’t think like a person that cared about myself. I grabbed food for any emotion, be it happy or sad, excited or nervous, in celebration or in sorrow. I tried every diet you could think of… and failed. Over and over again. But in hindsight - I’d set myself an unachievable challenge. Because all of the cabbage soup in the world wouldn’t fix my frame of mind. The only thing that could do that was to feel happy….. terrifyingly, looking truth in the face happy.
Perhaps the strangest twist of fate in my life is the most gut wrenching, heartbreaking experience I would ever have to go through (as yet) would help me find that happiness. Discovering that my husband was having an affair with my best friend while I was five months pregnant was the wake up call that shook me from my living slumber. I was forced to question every single thing in my life and in the end it would be exactly what I needed to get me to where I am. (Bare in mind I’d never thank him – because even though it was him that made this happen it was me stepping up to the plate of my own life).
For the first time in life I managed to shed my weight. I lost 25kg and reached a size 10 dress size and I have kept it off for over a year now. This time I know it’s gone for good. I did not diet once to get here. I just rewired my thinking… I ate healthily to make my body feel good. I exercised to give me energy and mental strength. I didn’t give myself deadlines, or make deals or excuses. I just did what need to be done and decided that I needed to do what was best for me 80% of the time. If the majority of my choices were good… then the other times didn’t matter. I didn’t beat myself up over eating cake – I enjoyed eating it, knowing that it was ok.
But this post isn’t just about my weight or my fat feet sinking in the sand stopping me from enjoying the splashing. It’s about feeling happy and free. I am now a single mother of two boys… and I feel good. I often laugh just for the sake of it and I feel like I have found the person I lost 11 years ago. I now surround myself with positive people who make me feel good and I can easily walk away from those wanting to drag me down. I live every day for what it is and I see much more joy in what I have around me. I try not to judge others …. But I am intensely judgmental of myself. I continuously question and try to improve myself – probably more than necessary.
But I feel like now that I remember what it feels like to breathe… I never want to hold my breath again.
I guess what I am thinking is, if there is something holding you back from smiling – from deep down in your heart…. Then do all you can to change it. Not necessarily in the form of a relationship breakdown, or even losing weight…. Just confront your feelings and make them positive.