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  1. #1
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    Default "I'm worried about how your coping"..*vent*

    "I'm worried about how your coping since DH passed away"

    This is what the girls pre-school teacher said to me this morning.

    She was nice and kind and polite and discreet but it still made me feel like $h1t for the whole day.

    Her cause for concern was the 'condition' in which the girls come to school & their development.

    Her points were:
    *They're both always dirty when they arrive (grubby face/hands/cloths from breakfast)
    *hair not brushed.
    *dirty nappy (sometimes)
    *they're 'clean' clothes are stained/sometimes arnt clean
    *A has been becoming quiter & more shy
    *and nither are showing any interest in potty training yet (they're 25 months)
    *a number of times lately I've forgotten to pack they're afternoon tea aswell which was never a big deal before as I know they have ample food @ school.

    She mentioned DOCs and manitory reporting and that she believed I wasn't 'neglecting' them, but that I need to seek help etc.

    I am already in counseling.

    I feel like such a bad mum. I've never been the best mum and I do lack cleaning & cooking skills but I'm really good at loving my girls & teaching them right and wrong, I read to them, bath them every day, wash their hair when they let me, try and brush their teeth, arts and crafts and painting & I'm patient & affectionate and I rarely yell.

    But because I suck at stain removal I'm now on the 'watch' list.

    If I forget to clean them up I always wipe them over at school before I leave but I guess seeing them in that state everytime has her worried.

    I always change nappies right before we leave & check them before I leave them at care. If it's only a wee I don't change them because disposables can hold heaps, should I be changing them? They never get nappy rash.

    They girls are so messy & I soak everything. Maybe I need a new washing machine..

    I don't know.

    How often do you tidy up after your kids? I'm especially interested if you have multiples. I'm looking around the house thinking maybe I am neglecting them

  2. #2
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    Firstly hugs!

    My two have just turned 3 and I wouldn't say they are fully TT so I don't see why that's an issue.

    Our house is always clean but my DF helps with everything.

    Every morning is a struggle getting them ready for preschool. If I'm there on time that's good for me! It is really hard getting them both fed, cleaned, hair done and dressed.
    Could you maybe get some outfits that are just for daycare so they don't get stained elsewhere so she can't comment in that? I think it's a bit ridiculous TBH.

    Do you mind me asking how long ago your DH passed?
    While I think it's nice for her to be concerned if there's no signs of neglect I don't see why it's her place to say anything.

  3. #3
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    If I lost my DH I think I'd just be lost full stop. You are going thru an extremely difficult time. My DS didn't toilet train until about 2.5, am I a bad mum? Stains - well quite frankly I refuse to send my DS to pre school in his new stuff bc it comes home covered in paint that then stains it. Meh, if it's clean but a little stained who cares? it will just get wrecked anyway.

    Do you have any support in family or friends?

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  5. #4
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    Firstly it sounds like you have more than enough on your plate!
    A few tips from a fellow messy mum:
    - consider short hair for your girls, think cute bobs etc as its much easier to keep neat and tidy, and looks gorgeous with headbands
    - napisan- I just use the cheap no brand type, and never let a stain dry where possible- straight in to soak!
    - wet wipes - any sort- in the car for the we just arrived wipe over.
    - things like fruit bars can be left in the car too for those days you forget to pack something

    I take my hat off to you for managing twins on your own, and I'm sorry for your loss xxx

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  7. #5
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    And FWIW DD wasn't TT til 3 and a quarter! So what!

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    Quote Originally Posted by TheWhiteKnight View Post
    "I'm worried about how your coping since DH passed away"

    This is what the girls pre-school teacher said to me this morning.

    She was nice and kind and polite and discreet but it still made me feel like $h1t for the whole day.

    Her cause for concern was the 'condition' in which the girls come to school & their development.

    Her points were:
    *They're both always dirty when they arrive (grubby face/hands/cloths from breakfast)
    *hair not brushed.
    *dirty nappy (sometimes)
    *they're 'clean' clothes are stained/sometimes arnt clean
    *A has been becoming quiter & more shy
    *and nither are showing any interest in potty training yet (they're 25 months)
    *a number of times lately I've forgotten to pack they're afternoon tea aswell which was never a big deal before as I know they have ample food @ school.

    She mentioned DOCs and manitory reporting and that she believed I wasn't 'neglecting' them, but that I need to seek help etc.

    I am already in counseling.

    I feel like such a bad mum. I've never been the best mum and I do lack cleaning & cooking skills but I'm really good at loving my girls & teaching them right and wrong, I read to them, bath them every day, wash their hair when they let me, try and brush their teeth, arts and crafts and painting & I'm patient & affectionate and I rarely yell.

    But because I suck at stain removal I'm now on the 'watch' list.

    If I forget to clean them up I always wipe them over at school before I leave but I guess seeing them in that state everytime has her worried.

    I always change nappies right before we leave & check them before I leave them at care. If it's only a wee I don't change them because disposables can hold heaps, should I be changing them? They never get nappy rash.

    They girls are so messy & I soak everything. Maybe I need a new washing machine..

    I don't know.

    How often do you tidy up after your kids? I'm especially interested if you have multiples. I'm looking around the house thinking maybe I am neglecting them
    My son goes to daycare two days a week, and it's a real rush in the morning. My partner does the morning routine, and he gives our son breakfast first and dresses him last, which avoids food marks on clothes.

    Another thing you could do is keep a pile of small facewashers, and wet one and clean their faces off. This only takes a minute, and can be done in the car or before you leave. alternatively, you could keep a packet of wipes in the car for last minute clean ups before you drop off.

    I think the nappy is a concern. When my son was in nappies, I would always change them as soon as I became aware they were wet or dirty. I didn't want him sitting in wee or a heavy nappy. It's even more important to ensure their nappy is fresh with daycare as they might not have the opportunity to check them as often.

    Regarding the stains - I wouldn't worry. I send my son is shirts that have paint and other stains for daycare. Some food stains just don't come out from certain clothes.

    With toilet training, are they in a room where other kids are trained? I found my son started toilet training when he observed older kids at daycare. He started just before 2, but he wasn't fully trained until 3. Maybe start with some nappy free time at home and sit them on the potty and see if they are interested? I don't know if it's a big issue at 25 months though. Kids do things in their own time. It will reach a stage where it's expected, I think. My son is in a 3yo room at daycare and I don't think any of the kids wear nappies, but they are very tolerant of accidents and help them with the toilet, if needed.

    I think it's quite extreme for the carer to suggest that any of that would amount to a DOCs referral, if they are otherwise fed and looked after.

  9. #7
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    I'm so sorry about your DH!

    I dont have twins.

    But, i just wanted to say - i do have a three year old daughter, who only started toilet training about three months ago. I also save the stained clothes for daycare, they only get stained there so i wont send her in anything too good.

    I really hope you have some family or a friend who you can talk to, it sounds like you have alot on your plate..

    pp has some great ideas a about food and wipes in the car.

  10. #8
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    So, because you have not one, but two TWO YEAR OLDS who arrive to kindy a bit dirty with messy hair and grubby clothes that's ground for reporting? This lady does know what two year olds are like right? My youngest is 3, I'll give her a quick clean before kindy but she gets there and is dirty - she touches everything. Her hair is a mess because she's a defiant pain in the bum some days, and her clothes are a mess because oh, she's 3. Oh and she's not toilet trained at all and has ZERO interest.

    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and I think it sounds like you're doing GREAT, you are still going with twins and also dealing with everything that goes along with losing your partner. To be honest, I think this woman is kind of out of line especially by making "points".

    Forgetting afternoon tea isn't a big deal, I've done it before, and I know they have food there in case that happens. As for your child being shy, well its pretty possible she's also dealing with the sudden change in her life.

    I would really consider saying something to this woman, I'd thank her for her concern but also tell her I think she crossed a line. If she's going to bring up "points" like that I'd casually be seeing if she said anything to any other parent. I feel for you because its like I can't believe someone could be so rude about two year olds, it sounds like she knows nothing about kids at all!


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  12. #9
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    I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are feeling this way.

    It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. Who cares if they have something on their face and a few stains on their clothes.

    Heaps of kids aren't interested in TT at that age.

    FWIW I don't tidy all that much. I'm pretty slack, I just don't place much value on a spotless house. I think my house is messy, not dirty, although the bathroom is on the verge of dirty. Meh.

    You are NOT neglecting your girls. Nobody looks back at their childhood and remembers the regularly vacuumed carpets and spotless kitchen with fondness. They will benefit most from, and remember, your affectionate nature, the fact that you took the time to read to them and paint with them.

    At a time when it must be hard to get out of bed in the morning it makes sense to direct your energies to the things that matter most to you and your daughters.

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  14. #10
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    I am sorry for your loss

    Some advice from another messy mum lol

    -Breakfast before getting into kindy clothes.
    -Brush their hair at night before going to bed. This way it is easier to do in the morning.
    -Do their hair while they are eating breakfast.
    -Wipes, wipes....keep some in the car, some in their kindy bag.
    - Stained clothes I don't think are a problem. My kids had kindy clothes that were stained with paint etv. However if they are dirty (not stained) repeatedly they may see this as a problem.
    -Pack their kindy food the night before (as much as you can). So much easier than doing it all in the morning.
    -A change in behaviour given that they have lost a parent, would not be out of the ordinary. Keeping an eye on it though would be a good idea.
    -I would make sure their nappy was dry when I left kindy.

    I feel for you

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