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  1. #1
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    Default Dealing with the "I don't love you anymore" moments

    DS1 is four. He's a great kid. He's also a spirited kid. He's the kind of kid that if he has trouble getting his jumper on he's likely to get angry at his jumper for annoying him. He's the kind of kid who if you ask him not to do something (like pull his brothers legs while you're carrying him, or roar in your face like a dinosaur) you will likely have to keep asking ten times a day for a month or more before he gets it. He's a very strong willed, opinionated, sensitive little guy.

    Since DH is at work during the week I'm the main one who he sees discipline coming from - don't get me wrong, i make sure I compliment, encourage, show him other ways, explain, play etc but I'm also the one saying "Hey! Don't pull the dogs hair!" etc. I'm also the one enforcing consequences and who's also busy with the baby.

    Result? I get told - a lot lately - that he doesn't like me anymore, that I'm a mean mummy (tonight it was because I asked him to get his own glass of water as I was in the middle of something with his brother), that he doesn't want me, doesn't need me and even occasionally an "I hate you!" thrown in for good measure.

    Now realistically I know that, to him, it probably means little more than getting angry at the jumper that's hard to put on and that I should let it wash over me and focus instead on the dozen times a day he tells me he loves me.

    But it gets to me, it really does.

    And all it takes is a little thing then, like him telling me he doesn't want to play with me and I get upset. Not mature perhaps but I love this kid so incredibly much and his comments lately sting.

    Have you ever been through this? How did you handle it?

  2. #2
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    I just ignore! It happens to me all the time with my 5 year old "you're a mean mum", "I want a new better mum", "I dont like you anymore" etc.

    Usually I just say something like "oh that's a shame" and continue on with whatever I was doing! Easy for me to do, because it doesn't upset me.... Having worked with kids for years before I had kids, I know it's a normal stage that they go through....

  3. #3
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    When things like this come up I wonder where they get it from. My ds says "I hate my life" and believe it is the same as what your saying - more for effect than actually meaningful but its scary just the same.

  4. #4
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    I just tell DD1 (the only child that has said it) that it's okay if she feels that way but I will never stop loving her.

    In a calm moment I have talked to her about how I'm not here to make her life miserable and when I'm disciplining her I'm not trying to upset her, but as her mummy it is my job to make sure she grows up in to an adult that is well liked and loved by her friends and family. I tell her I don't expect her to know it all now as she's only 6 and 6 year olds are still learning so i expect her to make plenty of mistakes along the way and that I discipline her because I love and care for her so much. If I didn't, I wouldn't care how she behaved and I wouldn't care if she had friends and family to share her life with when she's an adult.
    She seems to calm down after she's explained that I do it out of love.

  5. #5
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    When dd says similar things I tell her I love her all the time even when she is saying hurtful things to mummy. Then I tell her it hurts me that she says those things.

    I think it's important that they know what they saying isn't desirable behaviour.

  6. #6
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    I also think you need to reflect on the times he says these things. If its times you are with the baby maybe he is feeling jealous and upset that you help the baby with a drink but he has to get his own.

    I think it's really important to remember that when our children deserve our love the least they need it the most.

  7. #7
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    Are you feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, hence why the comments make you easily upset?

    If this is the case, try figure out how to get some extra support, so you can emotionally withstand this phase of your child's life.

    If you go out and buy crack instead of looking after your children, you are a BAD mother.

    If you care about your children, you are a GOOD mother..

    If your kids have clothes, shelter and food, You my dear, are a GREAT mother.

    If your child has all of the above, PLUS gets hugs and kisses from you.. You are an AWESOME mother...

    I am guessing you are in the Awesome mother category..

    (I hope this post is taken in a positive way lol)

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to MsImpatient For This Useful Post:

    Gandalf  (07-05-2012)

  9. #8
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    My family has always used the time out method. The big problem with discipline children is being consistent. If you choose to discipline part time they won't take you seriously.

    I have recently structured my time outs from the Nannie show!

    Step 1.). Warning for them to stop the unwanted behavior. Anything dangerous, harmful, destructive or disrespectful.

    Step 2.). Behavior was continued after giving them just enough time to change their action or behavior.
    They are then placed in the time out chair for the amount of time equal to their age. As you put them in the chair explain why they are receiving the time out.

    ----- this is not a time for discussion. This is time for the child to reflect on their behavior. I have watched many parents having trouble during this time keeping their mouth shut. If the child leaves the seat you sit them back down, time is restarted until they sit in the seat for their whole time out. The first time the method is tried and you haven't been consistent in the past, child may not believe you have what it takes to reprimand them so the retrieving process will likely be lengthy. There is no talking as you catch your child and put them back on the seat and walk away, however many times it takes. Again no talking even if the child starts wining or asking questions.

    Step 3.) time is up re-explain why they had the time out. You are not to apologize for giving them a time out. They misbehaved you corrected the bad behavior.

    Step 4.). The child apologies for their bad behavior. Obviously if this is new prompting will be needed.

    Step 5.). Hugs and kisses. Again the parent doesn't use this time to apologize.

    And that's a time out!

  10. #9
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    I'm shocked to see people just ignore this behavior and accept it as normal and just a stage.

    Will you choose to ignore their rebellions when they are teens and they start showing interest in drugs and such? If you can't show your child respect now when they are young and are learning how to behave from you how can you see things going well later on when they don't need to listen to you!

  11. #10
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    Clucky SC,

    I do believe you are a great mother but I do believe things will get much worse and much more difficult for you if you don't find a better method of discipline. A month is a long time for an unwanted behavior to continue.

    I personally really don't like spanking. I believe it shows children that when we spank them, that if someone does something they don't like hitting that person will fix the problem.

    I hope you find a method that works for you that is more efficient, just remember being consistent is key! Your husband also needs to be in agreement with the discipline your using and apply the same method or it can ruin all your work!

    Goodluck
    Last edited by Eclecticdreamer; 07-05-2012 at 00:51.


 

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