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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Advice Please Husband Looking At Womens Behinds

    Hi Everyone,

    Any advice would be appreciated. When my husband and I first got together we were living quite some distance apart when I moved in with him I found out that he had been emailing one of his female friends raunchy emails etc etc (while we were together) and made some comments to her about my lack of experience so to speak. I also discovered that he has some sordid online girls (from before us he had not been involved with them when we got together). Anyway thats over now and he said it was because he had a bad body image (weight) and that he couldnt believe i wanted him and that it meant nothing. And nothing physical ever occurred which i beleived. At that point he got rid of all the trash so to speak and any provocative stuff of himn and his ex you know what im talking about nothing that you ever want to see of the love of your life. Anyway just recently i accidently saw he had set himself up another email account after the previous arguement some years ago and subscribed to some raunchy threads of behinds etc. I Have accussed him in the past of looking at other women and he just gets upset and says that i am his goddess how could i doubt it. Regardless of this i love him very much and he is agood man we have two children i have not said anything about this new discovery to him it just saddens me that he lied to me.What do you ladies think?

  2. #2
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    You know, while I think you probably wouldn't be thrilled knowing he's spending his free time checking out photos of backsides, I bet it's the lying that's the real problem, and the sneakiness, and the fact he was a right jerk in the very beginning.

    You let him get away with it previously... he still got you despite sending dirty emails to another woman, you put up with him gossiping about your sexual experience (that's just vile and so disrespectful!), and whatnot. He learnt that he can be a pr*ck, and still you'll come back to him... even have kids with him despite this!

    I'd say you need to pull him up - let him know that it's the LYING that's the bigger issue, not the perving (although make it clear you're not impressed with that either). Don't just go, "oh well, that's okay since you were once fat... you're allowed to treat me like dirt and fib... there there... just don't do it again..."

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    I imagine a few women will read your OP and think it's a case of "men being men" but I agree with Sassy...it's the lying that is the real issue.

    Men who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. The fact that he opened up a secret email account specifically for this purpose would be enough to upset me. That is deliberately going behind your back.

    Sit down with him and tell him how it makes you feel. Ask him if he thinks you deserve better than this behaviour.

    If you don't feel that you can talk to him, then I'd suggest writing a letter to him instead.

    I know it hurts when this sort of thing happens.

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    Yep, agree with sassy!

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    Agree with Sassy too.

  7. #6
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    ToughLove is offline Meaner than a junkyard dog
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    He hid it for a reason. Either that reason is he's ashamed of what he's doing {guilt factor} or he's worried about how you'll react to it.

    I'm just going to concentrate on one thing at a time.
    The 'perving', yes it's natural. His instincts are to spread his genes across as any women as possible in order to keep the gene pool healthy. You don't like him doing it, but there is no way of stopping it. It's literally imprinted into his very being. He shouldn't be made to feel ashamed of it. If he was cheating, that would be something to be shamed of, but he's merely looking at pictures.

    Let him know you stumbled across it accidentally and you'd like to talk about it. Let him know that you're not angry about it, you don't love him any less, but you'd like to just have a non-judgemental talk about it.
    Don't confront him, don't yell or make hasty judgements. You'll just shove him further into a corner, and if he wants to talk to you about it, you'll make it near impossible for him to open up for fear of your anger.

    What he did in the past doesn't matter. That's over and gone with. You've both talked about it, as you said, found out the reason {low self esteem, bad body image, possible depression} and worked through it.
    Set aside your feelings from that time, they aren't relevant to the present.
    If you keep going over it in your mind and bringing it up, you're not over it, and you both need to seek professional marriage counseling to work through the issue before you tackle this new problem.

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    Lying is lying and I don't think anybody should put up with that. as a Pp said you've let him get away with it in the past which you shouldn't of but now you should be putting your foot down and telling him how it makes you feel. A relationship can't be "good" if their partner is lying to them and hiding stuff from them a "good" person doesn't do that.

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    I'm sorry you feel this way OP .

    You need to speak to him about it. When you say thread do you mean a kinky thread and a kink forum? Or are you meaning prn?

    When your kids are in bed sit down with him and tell him but in a calm way. Don't accuse just ask him why he feels the need to do it, is there anything he wants to share with you etc.

    Tell him the lying upsets you and you want him to be open and honest with you.
    Maybe he has a kink he can't help but look into. That's where it's important to talk to him. If you get angry at him he will shut down and become defensive and you won't get far.
    Let him know he can talk to you about anything and you won't be angry with him.
    Tell him you don't want the trust between you guys to be broken.
    And you want to trust him but it's hard if he sets up differen accounts.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ToughLove View Post
    He hid it for a reason. Either that reason is he's ashamed of what he's doing {guilt factor} or he's worried about how you'll react to it.

    I'm just going to concentrate on one thing at a time.
    The 'perving', yes it's natural. His instincts are to spread his genes across as any women as possible in order to keep the gene pool healthy. You don't like him doing it, but there is no way of stopping it. It's literally imprinted into his very being. He shouldn't be made to feel ashamed of it. If he was cheating, that would be something to be shamed of, but he's merely looking at pictures.

    Let him know you stumbled across it accidentally and you'd like to talk about it. Let him know that you're not angry about it, you don't love him any less, but you'd like to just have a non-judgemental talk about it.
    Don't confront him, don't yell or make hasty judgements. You'll just shove him further into a corner, and if he wants to talk to you about it, you'll make it near impossible for him to open up for fear of your anger.

    What he did in the past doesn't matter. That's over and gone with. You've both talked about it, as you said, found out the reason {low self esteem, bad body image, possible depression} and worked through it.
    Set aside your feelings from that time, they aren't relevant to the present.
    If you keep going over it in your mind and bringing it up, you're not over it, and you both need to seek professional marriage counseling to work through the issue before you tackle this new problem.
    Oopps just read your reply now. And pretty much wrote the same.
    So I agree with all this.

  12. #10
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    Firstly thanks everyone for your comments it helps to get a different perspective. I think that yes the lying is the main thing.

    The perving well its not nice and just damn hurts i guess but thats just how it goes. i would like to think that all those beautiful words of 'honey your so hot and all i want ' actually meant something that i could be so special to have all his undivided attention lol it just belittles all the rest of the lovely moments and words of undying love if he needs other satisfaction

    I also agree to let the past go. The online thing with a friend of his well it was just nasty regardless of the excuse and i choose to stay because i do love him very much and he is an amazing person and i am attracted to him very much, i believed what he said and thought that was that, mind you he got more than an ear bashing thats why I am shocked to discover this latest incident he knows how angry i was last time even though this time its just perving not one on one email fling.

    Funnily I am nowhere near as mad as last time i am just plain sad, i am sad for us i am embarrassed as well that we have to go through this again. I cant talk to anyway close to me about this because it would just cause more problems. It is nice to be able just to say what I feel and receive the kind advice from strangersI also know that he wont say anything if I bring it up and I will just end up throughing around the worst of insults. I am also scared that if we sort this out that he will just end up doing it down the track again. It might just do him good to read this thread


 

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