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  1. #1
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    Default How would you approach this?

    My mother is a very heavy smoker, recently she started smoking outside at her own home which is great but my problem lies with social gatherings.

    She will sit there and chain smoke the entire time, it makes me hurt and feel ill, I've reached a point where I dont want to attend anything where I know it will br indoors as I can not stand the physical affect it has on my Ds and I, i've spent 5 hours tonight and have come home with an extremely sore throat and having mild asthma issues.


    I don't know how to say something without offending my mum.

    What would you do?
    Last edited by missindependentmoo; 28-04-2012 at 01:37.

  2. #2
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    Hmmmm. Very tough. Would she be really offended? Or just hurt at first & then come to understand? If she's smoking outside at her own house she obviously realises that smokiness isn't particularly pleasant.

    I'd just tell her how it affects you & that you'd prefer she didn't do it near you. You could get up & walk away but that might upset her more than just saying something. Good luck, sounds like a tough spot you are in!!

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    missindependentmoo  (28-04-2012)

  4. #3
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    I have the same issue with my mother and it has caused massive irreconcilable issues between us.

    She knows its not acceptable to smoke around children pregnant women etc but continues to do so. She also knows she will not see me or my children unless she takes her habit elsewhere. We live in Aus and she in Ireland but knows we wont stay in the house or bring the kids to visit if she smokes when we are there.

    I would be up front with your mum but be prepared for some denial on her part (i have never met a smoker who hasnt fiercly (sp?) defended their habit) but tell her she is affecting your health...

    Good luck with it.

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    missindependentmoo  (28-04-2012)

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    I know what you mean. My mum is the same. Maybe not chain smoking but smokes alot. AND my mum has health issues and smoking is going to shorten her life considerably because of it. I used to nag but that did nothing. Smokers (and I used to be one and have the occassional cheeky one when I have a drink now) can get very belligerent.

    I don't think there is much you can do except I think it's a concern around your DS and you are well within your rights to ask she not smoke so much around him. If you feel to nervous to ask she stop smoking around him, maybe walk away with him every time she lights up and she'll get the message. And that way, if she has to walk away every time she smokes in you company, she might smoke less because she'll find she's spending more time smoking at the back of the yard than spending time with you and DS.

    Good luck

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    missindependentmoo  (28-04-2012)

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    I have the same issue. Her response - no worse then the poisons coming out of cars every day.

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    missindependentmoo  (28-04-2012)

  10. #6
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    My mum smokes a lot. Thankfully she does it outside, but the stink when she comes inside is still overwhelming. If my mum started smoking around me I'd either move away or ask her to move.

    When bub was born I had a chat with mum and clearly laid down some ground rules. The main one being "no holding bub within 30 minutes of having a cigarette." Quite a few times I've had to pull mum up. For example hubby (not knowing mum had just had a ciggie) would go to hand bub to mum. I'd say "ah... Not right know mums just had a cigarette.". She's getting better with the rules. Im sure it hurts her but I don't care, mine and bubs health comes first.

    My mums famous line is "oh we'll, you only die once." (wtf?)

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    missindependentmoo  (28-04-2012)

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    Thanks for your replies,

    Mum is very headstrong and likely to just get very cranky of anything is said,

    Its that bad that I have to take a shower before going to bed and wash all clothes Ds and I have been wearing while visiting,

    She will most likely just get mad if I ask her if she can smoke in a different part of the house we are visiting or outside as the way she sees it is she is not doing anything illegal and she refuses to believe the stuff about second hand smoke

    My partner says just leave if she is smoking all over you (easy for him to say, its not his mum and family that he would be missing out on)


    she smokes inside my house too which I find really rude as I do not smoke and she has never made sure she is okay to smoke inside here and I don't know how yo address it without her getting mad and then me loosing my relationship with her.
    Last edited by missindependentmoo; 28-04-2012 at 08:19.

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    I think you just have to be upfront and say smoking in front of or around your child is not on and wont be accepted.

    As for smoking in your home, well thats just plain rude.

    You need to put your child first and tell her how it is. If she really cares she will understand.

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    missindependentmoo  (28-04-2012)

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    Hmmm ok well first off smoking inside someone's home without permission regardless of who they are is just plain rude! Maybe invest in those no smoking symbol stickers and post one beside your front door. Maybe it will subtlety get the point across otherwise I personally would be having something to say and it would be blunt and final. Your house. Your rules. End of story.

    As for family gatherings that's a tough one. Is it possible to move to another area of the house or migrate outside? Maybe it's time for some honesty on your part. Tell her that you get that her habit is her choice but if she's going to smoke she needs to know that its effecting her grandbabies health and how. Any proud grandparent would feel ashamed that they were hurting their grandchild and take steps to overcome their behavior. Seriously even play it up a bit so she gets that its serious. I think if you take the your harming the child route vs. Your harming an adults health (you) she might be more responsive. How old is your child. Maybe instill 'smoking is yuck' into them and they might just tell her off for it next time they see her smoking? I know my 4yr old does it. He did it to me a yr ago and it woke me up. I quit. There's something about hearing a child speak more sense than you that resounds in your mind.
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    missindependentmoo  (28-04-2012)

  17. #10
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    This morning Ds is all weezy and croaky (he spent most of the time across the other side of the room) and I feel like I've chewed on an ash tray and am all croaky

    I dont know how to approach the other peoples house thing,

    I've just limited the amount I invite her to my house,

    It would be okay if it was 1 or 2 or 3 smokes but its almost constant smoking from count she had at least 8 in the 5 hours we were there or if she went to a different not locked up part of the house but.she doesn't feel like she should leave the warm room
    Last edited by missindependentmoo; 28-04-2012 at 08:29.


 

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