why why? im not happy with myself and it wont be happening again

**rae1976** · 17-04-2012 07:00

Im sitting here, thinking what frigging dumbarse, tonight i broke my 3 yrs free of a certain drug. I want to shout Im the world biggest idoit, athough im feeling ok now, just ashamed and stupid and thinking was it worth it...one tiny part of me says yes. I guess no one knows that feeling unless they have been there, and I know that i will probably get slammed for this and i deserve it. Later on today, i will get rid of everything and carry on as normal i hope. But why why did I do it? I have no excuses, nothing that could ever excuse my behaviour. I must of been so dumb when i went through all the motions and didnt stop to think of my children. So i guess I have said that Im a utter **** to no one in particular and I should be happy that no one who matters knows, because the only people that matter are my kids. Feel free to give me a bash, because i deserve it. So dissappointed with myself Rae

**maybe again** · 17-04-2012 07:34

I'm not going to bash you but if it was just once and you have thrown everything left away maybe record a video of how you are feeling now (the regret and feeling like a ****) then next time you feel like it or go to use watch it.. Pretty sure it'll turn you off using it again.

Just make sure it is only one screw up and you don't get back into anything. Your kids need it!

**onionskin** · 17-04-2012 07:49

It was really brave of you to post.

I think if you know you have disappointed yourself and potentially your kids, you have acknowledged your behaviour was stupid. Throw anything else away, and go back to being on track.

Don't put yourself down hun, whats done is done now.

Next time you feel like this maybe it would be a good idea to have a plan of attack - go out, take kids to park, have a hot bath. Anything to take your mind of it. Remember addiction is hardwork, go to your gp if you need some extra help or someone to talk to maybe.

Just remember you can do this, you did for 3 yrs, one little slip and now you are back on track.

**happygirl1982** · 17-04-2012 07:53

Hey you can't regret what you can't change! You stopped you realized the error of your ways and now you move forward!! From this day you will be better!
I think the video is a great idea.

Your a strong person as addiction is very hard to beat!!

**Pesca77** · 17-04-2012 07:54

Rather than beat yourself up over taking the actual drug once, I think you should think about WHY and WHAT made you do it again.

Is there something else going on in your life right now that needs addressing? Were you feeling scared, vulnerable or depressed?

A once off is not really an issue (although still not great obviously), I'd be more concerned it will happen again and finding out within yourself why. Good luck.

**babyla** · 17-04-2012 07:58

No bashing here. You're doing a good job of that yourself and it's a horrible feeling. 3 years is fantastic, slips happen and at least you have insight and know it was not the right choice for you. No more beating up on yourself, it is wasted energy. Face forward and identify what the trigger may have been, keep busy and remember that you're human and we stuff up. Hugs!

**AndrewTheEmu** · 17-04-2012 09:19

I'm not going to bash you. You are not a dumbar$e. You just made a bad decision. And most of us have been there.

I don't know what your poison of choice is, but it sounds like using again was very premeditated.

Did/have/are you seeking treatment?

I don't want to down play what has happened here. But I just wanted to let you know that it took me MANY 'just one more time's before I was strong enough to realize & comprehend that I am a drug addict & I can never have 'one more time'.

3 years sober is an awesome achievement btw.

**AndrewTheEmu** · 17-04-2012 09:21

I'm not going to bash you. You are not a dumbar$e. You just made a bad decision. And most of us have been there.

I don't know what your poison of choice is, but it sounds like using again was very premeditated.

Did/have/are you seeking treatment?

I don't want to down play what has happened here. But I just wanted to let you know that it took me MANY 'just one more time's before I was strong enough to realize & comprehend that I am a drug addict & I can never have 'one more time'.

3 years sober is an awesome achievement btw..

**chameleon** · 17-04-2012 09:45

Originally Posted by Pesca77

Rather than beat yourself up over taking the actual drug once, I think you should think about WHY and WHAT made you do it again.

Is there something else going on in your life right now that needs addressing? Were you feeling scared, vulnerable or depressed?

I think that is good advice. And I am not going to bash you. God knows I have done stupid things and made mistakes, more than once. My psychologist tells me you can't bash yourself up constantly but just try and learn something from it, and hope that with every step (right or wrong) you are learning and getting that bit closer to getting where you want to be.

**CazHazKidz** · 17-04-2012 09:51

Congratulations for realising that it IS a big deal!

Most people would be like "oh, it was just once. No biggie, I won't do it again, no harm done.."

The fact that you realise it IS a big deal, shows that you really truly don't intend to let it back in to your life. You realise that you and your kids are too important for that.

I am proud of you