Thankyou for the advice and support everyone, I really really appreciate it.
I have had a good think overnight and the only times I lose control and hit him are when I'm carrying him kicking and screaming to his room for timeout and he hits me full force in the face or over the head. Its such a shock every time that my.first impulse is to smack him. Likewise when he calculated and deliberately hurts his sister, pulls her hair, kicks her, shoves her over, or when he does things that could be very harmful like throwing hard toys at people or in the air over people. W
I will look into 123 Magic and head to the library today.
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