My baby boy was born sleeping on 9th March 2012, just over a month ago, at 23 weeks. Lying awake here at 4am unable to sleep which is common now as all I can think of is him. The grief and loss and sadness is so immense, it's overwhelming.
We have dealt with a lot since his death as you all have - so many facets to deal with, hurdles to overcome - however there are a few things that I just wanted to post about, not that I'm expecting answers or needing explanations or anything, I just wish to talk about them and maybe hear some views.
One thing is blame. In our particular case there was absolutely nothing we could have done. He developed with heart abnormalities and as the doctors keep saying it was "just one of those things" that happen. But the issue is this: Does it make it better, or harder that there is nothing to blame? I feel like I want to scream at someone, demand my son back and get angry, but who with? It's all pent up inside and given up on as there is no-one to blame. But that doesn't get rid of that feeling.
The next thing is family. Luckily I must say most of our (my husband and I) extended families have been supportive, however there is one sibling who has the "oh well, just try again" attitude. And this really gets to me. Our son's loss is a tragedy, so heartbreaking, unimaginable pain has been ripped through us. And yet, they act and treat us as if nothing has happened. Not even a kind word or the standard "I'm sorry for your loss" that even strangers have the courtesy to say. I try my best to ignore their carelessness and dismiss them from my mind as not worth the time and effort to think about, but I can't help it creeping back sometimes. How can they not even be sad for us, and our son? I resent them and wish I could just steer clear of them entirely, but unfortunately circumstances dictate I can't.
Do you have any family like this? How did you deal with, not so much them, but your feelings?
The last thing is the emptiness. There is so much excitement and preparation during a pregnancy. We had things all set up for our son even though we were only basically 6 months through the pregnancy. It just feels so wrong. So wrong that there are clothes here for him, a cot, a highchair, a baby carrier, the list goes on... But where is our baby? We are supposed to be dead on our feet right now with our 17 month old daughter and a newborn baby son, but we're not. Where is our newborn baby son? All these Sympathy cards are supposed to be Baby cards... But they're not. We're supposed to have two car seats in our car, but we don't. We're supposed to be filled with joy and goo-goos and ga-gas and walking around like zombies from lack of sleep... But we're not. It's just so wrong.
There's a big hole in our lives, we were pregnant, and then it just stopped. Things just ended. It feels like one big bad terrible dream, did it really happen? But then it just feels like yesterday.
I would love to hear your thoughts. I am just another lost Mummy like you.