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  1. #1
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    Default Death in family- dilemma *long*

    So my grandma died a few days ago and my parents are putting me in a very awkward position. Her death wasn't a shock as she has been in aged care with dementia for a very long time and has been bed ridden and unable to communicate. So she came here from another country in the 50s and left behind a very close family over there including her sister. My grandma visited and wrote letters to her for years until she started to lose her mind and they lost contact. I don't know why my parents never bothered trying to get it contact with the sister when my grandma was diagnosed, I was too young at the time to really understand. Anyway, my grandma had a daughter (dads sister) that she was estranged from for reasons i do not know. I know she was cut out of the will and they had not spoken in a very long time before she even got sick. My parents also have issues with dads sister and do not want contact with her which i respect cause i figure there must be a reason. Now a couple of years ago my grandmas sister found me on Facebook and i have been in contact with her ever since and have been overseas and met her and other members of my extended family. My parents were ok with me wanting to have a relationship with them as long as i didn't tell them anything about them or my grandma (they know stuff like that she was ill but that's it). I find them all so lovely and they were genuinely so worried when they lost contact with gran and tried everything to find her. My parents issue with my grandmas sister is that she is still in occasional contact with my dads estranged sister. So they have told me that they don't want me to tell my grandmas sister that she has died as they are worried she will tell the sister and they don't want her at the funeral or calling them or anything/my grandma wouldn't have wanted it. I do agree that my grandma wouldn't have wanted the daughter there but it just feels so wrong not telling her sister... my grandma never had any issues with her sister and it feels to me like she's being punished for no reason? I don't know how i am supposed to pretend that she hasn't died? I know i am a grown up but I'm worried about upsetting my dad while he's grieving... I'm hoping that after the funeral maybe they will say let them know, but then its going to be awkward explaining to them why i didn't notify them in the first place... I'm so stuck! I don't have a great relationship with www parents because they do stuff like this to me ... what would you do?

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  2. #2
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    I think both her sister and estranged daughter should be told that she has passed away.

    It's not fair that your parents have put you in this situation.

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    Gosh sounds a bit like my family..... Hugs for the lose of your granma it's always hard even when they are sick.

    As for your dilemma - I would tell the sister. They only lost contact cause you granma was sick so really your parents can't get too bent out of shape over that. If she tells the daughter well so what you have no control over other people. Think more about what you granma would want not your parents and then make a decision that YOU can live with.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MsMummy View Post
    I think both her sister and estranged daughter should be told that she has passed away.

    It's not fair that your parents have put you in this situation.
    I agree

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    Quote Originally Posted by MsMummy View Post
    I think both her sister and estranged daughter should be told that she has passed away.

    It's not fair that your parents have put you in this situation.
    This.

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    I would let all family members know that you grandma passed. It's not up to your parents to dictate who knows and who doesn't. I'm sorry for your loss.

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    Firstly, so sorry for your loss, loss should pull family together, and everyone has a right to grieve in their own way, and this means the sister and daughter also have a right to grieve. I think your parents are being selfish by keeping this from them and even moreso putting you in this position.

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    If you are friends with them on facebook why not get a friend of yours to write a message on your FB wall saying '' i am so sorry for the loss of your grandma, i hope you are ok etc etc etc''

    So that way your relatives will see that she has passed and you can't get in trouble with your parents because your friend was just sending her condolences.

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  14. #9
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    mummabec is offline I could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love
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    I like thunderstorms idea, although it's sad that its like this (my family is rather similar). At least then your parents can't be annoyed and the sister still knows. Hugs and sorry for your loss X

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    I think her sister should know. If you had a sister and found out she had died and no one bothered to tell you until after the funeral how would you feel?! Especially since there was no real big fued between them. As for your dads sister, maybe ask your grans sister to ask that she wait until after the funeral or ask that she have a word with dads sister and explain what you said. Surely she would understand and maybe she could give you some insight.


 

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