Young first time mum and really struggling.

**donniesweet** · 27-03-2012 00:01

I'm 20 and I have a gorgeous 3 month old DS and an amazing DF but everything still feels like it's falling apart.

It started about a week or two after my birth when I started feeling a little resentful towards my DS and wasn't able to feel a connection with him either. Within two weeks of this happening, feelings started to get worse. I felt like I was in a very deep, black hole and I just couldn't get out. Suicide was a regular part of my thoughts at this time. I struggled with day-to-day things and was only barely able to cope with the baby as my DF took a month off work to stay at home with us. I was extremely irritable and I raged quite often. My temper was very bad at this point.
I felt like I was suffering in every way. Felt insecure about how I looked, the feelings I had towards people I may have disliked heightened to an irrational point, I was frequently very angry, I wasn't me anymore. I was this monster.

Things started to get worse so I made DF to force some help down my throat. Cut the story short, I am having weekly sessions with a psychologist and things have gotten a little better but things still aren't looking up. 3 months have passed and my DF has dealt with so much from me that he's gotten to the point where he can't see any improvement because he doesn't think it's possible after what I've put him through.

So now my relationship is very tense and on the rocks, I am so lost and I'm scared and I don't know what to do anymore.

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**sunnyflower** · 27-03-2012 00:06

**missybubble** · 27-03-2012 00:07

I'm sorry to hear that. Have you been to your GP, or been diagnosed with anything? Definitely sounds like depression. As someone who's suffered from it, the best advice I can give you is to try medication if it's not getting any better. It really does help. Hope you're feeling better soon *hugs*

**made2bAmummy** · 27-03-2012 05:24

Ive been there. Its very hard on your relationship. Can you see your gp and get some medication, plus a referral to join a post natal depression support group?Also if you have any family who can come and help out with small things like minding baby for an hour so you and dp can go for a walk or just hold hands and look into each others eyes. You do need that time away from baby. The first year with your first bub is tge hardest year you will ever have. I promise it gets easier after that. Absulotely promise.Also call your local parenting centre and see if they can tell you about some different techniques to settle your baby. Hugs. Hang in there it will get better if you can get some support. Xx

AM · 27-03-2012 05:36

Please do get a proper diagnosis from your GP, there are a lot of things you can do to help, sometimes medication can definitely help when you are as down as you describe, other people will use natural remedies see a naturopath or homeopath etc.

Do you have family or friends close by who can help you with day to day things, people you can chat to, who can give you a rest from bub if you need to sleep etc?

Does your partner understand what is going on with you? It is very important that partners understand post natal depression,as they are an important part in giving you the understanding and support you need to get on top of it.

Take care,

all the best with it...

(3 time survivor of PND)

**Mummy2aandh** · 27-03-2012 06:09

Hugs hun. As Previous posters have said its really important you see a GP and get a diagnosis and options of a treatment that is right for you. Please PM me if you need a chat - I have PND and am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel xxx

**SugarSkull** · 27-03-2012 06:57

Originally Posted by donniesweet

I'm 20 and I have a gorgeous 3 month old DS and an amazing DF but everything still feels like it's falling apart.

It started about a week or two after my birth when I started feeling a little resentful towards my DS and wasn't able to feel a connection with him either. Within two weeks of this happening, feelings started to get worse. I felt like I was in a very deep, black hole and I just couldn't get out. Suicide was a regular part of my thoughts at this time. I struggled with day-to-day things and was only barely able to cope with the baby as my DF took a month off work to stay at home with us. I was extremely irritable and I raged quite often. My temper was very bad at this point.
I felt like I was suffering in every way. Felt insecure about how I looked, the feelings I had towards people I may have disliked heightened to an irrational point, I was frequently very angry, I wasn't me anymore. I was this monster.

Things started to get worse so I made DF to force some help down my throat. Cut the story short, I am having weekly sessions with a psychologist and things have gotten a little better but things still aren't looking up. 3 months have passed and my DF has dealt with so much from me that he's gotten to the point where he can't see any improvement because he doesn't think it's possible after what I've put him through.

So now my relationship is very tense and on the rocks, I am so lost and I'm scared and I don't know what to do anymore.

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*Hugs* You have pretty much told my story. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and that things are difficult.
Please go see your GP so they can diagnose you & help you with your treatment. You don't need to feel this way because there is help out there.
My story is the same as yours. DH took a day off and practically dragged me to the GP where I was diagnosed with high risk PND and was sent to a psychologist right away. She also gave me a script for Zoloft (an antidepressant.)
I tried to convince myself that I didnt need the drugs or that it was just a phase or hormones.
I started taking my Zoloft, seeing my psychologist and I really began to feel different within a month of taking my AD's and seeing my psych. It took a few months for me to start feeling a connection with DS and to really look at him with love.
Please go see your GP because believe me, things DO get better with the right treatment. You will slowly begin to feel that love for your son and that smile on your face will eventually come back. There will be some days where you will struggle but it's all a part of the journey.
There are people who can help you.

**PurpleButterfly4** · 27-03-2012 07:21

((hugs)) you've done the first few steps to getting better & that's knowing there is something wrong & getting some help. But yes agree with others, please go see your GP to get medication to help you to get better more & stay that way.
All the best!

**haylithan** · 27-03-2012 07:40

Congratulations on taking the first step and getting the help you need, as the other posters have said an accurate diagnosis is essential! Remember you have shown how strong and determined you are to find help as you have reached out on this site.
Please keep talking to anyone you feel to (parner, friends, family) as often just keeping it out there so people know ur feelings can help.

**donniesweet** · 28-03-2012 12:53

Thanks so much everyone. All your advice makes me feel a lot better and knowing that I'm not just crazy.

I have been to my GP but he insisted I avoid medication for now so he referred me to a psychologist. It's helping a lot which I am greatful for.

The problem still lies within my relationship. I don't know.. The stress I gave DF when all this started has made him give up and made him so bitter. I understand where he's coming from and he does support me but our relationship is so tense all the time and I just don't know how to fix it. =(

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