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  1. #1
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    Default I have a confession to make...

    I am starting to hate my child a lot of the time...

    He is 10 and VERY bright, very manipulative and very tenacious if he wants something . We don't get along very well and i find myself being constantly frustrated with him.

    He is an only child and as such i try hard to make sure he gets to socialise with other kids.We go out with friends a lot, he is in scouts and has goes on camps, well all in all he gets a pretty good life. He is not spoiled materially but he has a reasonable amount of "stuff". I try to discipline him and install good values.

    This is where it all goes wrong.He is a very intense little boy and gets discontented A LOT. It drives me crazy , he has NOTHING to be constantly upset about. He has a very low toleration level if he doesn't like a particular child he will make it very clear and fights (verbal only) arise. He has no coping skills or ability to compromise so he then creates a scene and stomps off and cries. I intervene and tell him that he either participates in the activity or we leave. The fights then continue.I am a useless referee ,i admit it, i despise children when they fight and never know who is right/wrong etc.

    Case in point , we went down to a country farm with a load of extended family, he does not like my cousins ds and they were fighting all weekend, my ds can be quite nasty to him .My ds said that he couldn't play nerd guns and when questioned said the other boy was throwing rocks at them. AHHHH.

    The weekend before we were at a scouts camp (some parents were also there) and ds had set his bed up in a compartment of the tent. Another boy arrived the next morning and ds suggested that he have the middle compartment so they both had their own space.The ds agreed and then the parent told his ds that the middle place was dirty and to put his bed in with my ds. Well then it was on ALL day between them and another parent stepped in and told my ds off and them i told the other parent off and well i was glad to get out of there. IF ds likes the adults and kids there is no issue but if not there is ALWAYS a drama.He gets punished by losing computer privileges and i talk to him but he is never wrong.Im pulling my hair out..

    Yesterday i took him along with some school kids and their parents to the weetbix triathlon .We waited 4 hours as the race was delayed. After asking him very nicely to get his bike as it was time to go , it was 1pm ,we had been there 8, he chucked a tantrum and wanted to look at his camera. I lost it and grabbed his arm and screamed at him as well as swore to get his bike. I barely spoke to him the rest of the day. NOTHING you do for him is enough, he always wants more and i am drained.

    I feel like is a very badly behaved spoilt little brat and he embarrasses me a lot. Then on the flip side, other people who never see this side if him say what a great kid he is and what a great mum i am. He has no issues at school, he has a male teacher who he idolises..

    I just am worried, i yell at himm ALL the time and am startingg to get verbally abusive . I need help and opinions and advice. I don't care if your blunt, i need to hear what i am doing wrong because i honestly try soo hard with this child and i am starting to just hate him Help!

  2. #2
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    I couldnt read and not respond.

    First off, big hugs for you. You sound like a great mum, you wouldnt be writing this if you werent.

    Do you get time away from one another?

    You mentioned that your DS is very bright, is he stimulated enough?

  3. #3
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    your son sounds like mine.

    my advice...go and get a mental health plan done and get him in to see a child pysch.

    After they have had a few sessions...as if the pysch can give you some tips on how best to parent him. Not to break his confidence...but to help you do the right things.

    MY DS is 7 (going on 17) and is very bright. He does struggle socially sometimes because he cannot always understand why other kids do the things they do. We spend a lot of time de briefing after social situations and about what we like and don't like.

    Yelling doesn't work with my son...so i rarely do it. Sometimes i want to...but i find it so much more effective to get down to his level and whisper...makes him really pay attention and he has learnt that the whisper is my final straw.

    I do sometimes avoid situations that i think he will find very difficult...or at least limit our time there.

    I do spend lots of time doing his choice of projects with him...he gets bored at school. He loves researching and doing stuff though....but things he choses. So, i honour this and it gives us something to bond over. He went through dinosaurs and now is fascinated by archeology...Egypt mainly but recently Pompeii has really grabbed his interest (thanks to Cairo Jim).

    I also recommend audio books for the car...we get them from the library which means free. His behaviour much better and again, gives us something in common to talk about.

    He knows i am on his side and i think this makes all the difference. We are a team and knows i see how wonderful he is...even after a bad day.

    Focus on loving him...and turn it around. If you were him, what would you want. Remember, even bright kids...have trouble identifying feelings and understanding everything going on. 10 is a hard age...not a kid, not a teen...lots of hormones flooding their bodies.

    hang in there

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  5. #4
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    I have no ideas sorry but I'm sure by the time I reply someone more helpful will have too. Maybe some good old fashioned count to 10 in your head while deep breathing & thinking "this too shall pass".

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    I dont want to offend in any way but is there a male 'figure' in his life on a regualr basis. Someone he has one on one time with??
    The only reason i ask is my brother started going through this at around 10 yo...my mum was a sigle parent from the time i was 3 (and my bro was 5.

    He is at that hard time on his life (pre-pubiety) and it may be that he needs a man to talk to. Not to say that you are not doing a wonderful job ( im sure you are) but it could be that hes having some feelings that he doesnt feel comfortable talking to a woman (mum) about.

    Another idea would be to see if there is a male counsillor(chaplin) at school that he could have regular visits with, just to have a chat and get anything off his chest.

    Again i hope this in no way is offensive to you, its not im intention to imply YOU are doing anything wrong!!

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  8. #6
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    It sounds like he needs an element of control with things, you could draw up a behaviour contract and specify the things you need from each other eg: when we are out I need you to....
    He may also be craving quality time with you so rewards based on time and doing things together rather than stuff can be better eg; playing a game with him, cooking together, reading with him,
    Turning things into positives eg: earning his computer time rather than having it taken away, it's not a right but a privilege he needs to earn by behaving appropriately. It's really important if you do this that you catch him when he is getting along well eg: I noticed when we were out how well you got along with ..,. I think you've earned some computer time.

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  10. #7
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    You sound like you need some more IRL support.
    I know, sometimes that's easier said than done.

    Many of us with kids that are more intense than average need a chance to step back, take a deep breath & re-balance. You saound like you've hit complete burn-out.

    My 10 yr old DD sounds very similar, she struggles sometimes with social situations, if she doesn't think someone is worth her time, she has no qualms in letting the fact be known. Can be very embarrassing I know.

    OK, trying to come up with some practical ways to give you both a bit of space.
    When he goes on Scouts camps, do you have to go? Two of my children do scouts & I relish the weekends when I only have 2 left at home. (Probably sounds bad to some, but the ages from 8 onwards I have found can become quite intense. I also feel at these ages children are looking for a bit of independance too.) Then the leaders will deal with the behaviour, & you can have a break.

    Do you have any family or friends that your son can go to for a night or 2? I know this one can be really tricky. I have only had 6 nights without my children in nearly 11 yrs, & 4 of these were giving birth! But is there anyone that both you & your sone are comfortable with, maybe even just for a regular afternoon outing so you can have some time to recooperate.

    I hope this doesn't sound rude, because it really isn't meant to, but sometimes with just one child, we can become overly attentive to every behaviour they display. When DD was my only child I was so focussed on everything she did. I was always so worried about what I was doing wrong to make my child be the one that had a major melt down when I had to leave her at kindy, or why she was the only one who played on her own. By the time child number came around I am so busy a lot of this stuff just glides by, I don't have the time to focus on it.

    Anyway I think I have rambled on enough, just kept writing as things popped into my head! But try not to beat yourself up too much. You sound to me like a great mum who just wants her child to be happy & fit in, a mum who just needs a bit of a break!

    Good luck.

  11. #8
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    I really agree with babyla, too.

    Try to focus on good behaviour earning privileges rather than bad behaviour having them removed. That one has worked really well in our house.

  12. #9
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    PLease remember that a ten yr old may not have very good conflict resolution skills- some do, some dont... and it seems like (from your description) when conflict or disagreement arises is when the "tantrums" or troubles start.
    I think there have been some very good suggestions above and I have one to add- role playing how to react to particular situations with him, reminding him that he is a "big boy" now so we need to behave politely or in a socially acceptable way- unless he has seen it how would he know what to do? And Im sorry to be harsh but it sounds like when you lost it at the other parent who told him off, you were also not modelling calm behaviour (dont get me wrong, I'm not criticising you, we all lose it at times and I wouldn't have liked someone else telling my child off either, but from your description it sounded to me like you agreed ds was doing the wrong thing, just didnt like him being told off, maybe because it made you feel bad?)
    Anyway, there's no easy fix, and pre-puberty kids are starting to become teenagers, so its probably not going to get any easier, so I agree 100% you NEED COPING STRATEGIES, to help both of you.
    You are feeling a bit lost, and thats normal, but remember to seek help where you can, it takes a village to raise a child...

  13. #10
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    I am assuming you also sit down with him and explain WHY the behaviour is wrong too... and how it looks and so on? (because sometimes its hard to find the patience to do this, but it does help if they see things from your point of view and get a chance to explain theirs, a part of the behaviour is just immaturity, acting out because he is unhappy, bored, didnt get his way and the frustration needs to be expressed somehow)-
    "yes, I also feel very disappointed that the race was delayed and now we dont have time to watch it, but its beyond our control and there's always next year.."


 

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