+ Reply to Thread
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 21
  1. #11
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    984
    Thanks
    238
    Thanked
    313
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Incog View Post
    thank you for your advise, I appreciate it, and I appreciate your honesty.
    I have a lot of thinking to do and I do agree that it's best he leaves whilst I do that.
    I have thought about leaving my self, but that's a bit unfair for me to leave my home, and to take my daughter away from where she is most comfortable . The choices he made shouldn't have to mean me and dd have to leave the house.


    We had the same discussion, when we were together I never knew about the porn, he told me he didn't do it.
    2 weeks after our wedding was when I found out he had been doing it for so long.

    As for him moving at work, he has applied for other jobs with the same company, but until he finds out wether he has gotten any of them and when he can move offices he is still working with her... And there office rooms are next to each other.


    I have thought about marriage counseling, and it's something my husband has mentioned, I'm just not sure if im completely ready to go and talk to some one, I'm still trying to process it all my self. It's certainly something Im willing to try.
    I'm just so upset right now, that I'm trying to suppress as many feelings as possible other wise I feel as though I will loose my mind if I let them all out, I just don't feel ready to speak face to face with another person about it all, I just want some time to my self to try and process everything. But it is something I'm willing to try if it means it could save us, I just don't know if I'm ready right now or if this is the best time to go.


    And thank you to every one else that has replied, and took the time to read my post.
    It feels good to just get some of this out, even if it is just over a forum.
    how awful. I don't know what else to say, but I'm so sorry. My comfort usually comes from biblical reading but I know a lot of people don't appreciate that. If you want it, just ask me

  2. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Justwant2beamummy For This Useful Post:

    Incog  (23-03-2012),laurea  (23-03-2012)

  3. #12
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    ocean shores
    Posts
    2,279
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked
    233
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Big hugs to you I can not imagine what you are going through. Ok I'm just going to give you my advice you don't have to listen if you dont want but I'd ask him to leave not permanently as you have stated you still love him and it sounds like he still loves you but he clearly has unresolved issue he needs to work on before you guys can go ahead together I think couples counciling while you are seperated is a really good step in the right direction. As well as him to continue going to counciling on his own and don't let him back into your life fully until he has gained all your trust back.

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to our4boys For This Useful Post:

    Incog  (23-03-2012)

  5. #13
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    3
    Thanks
    10
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by louellyn View Post

    As a side note you have to be separated for 12 months before you can apply for a divorce.
    Yeah I know the application for divorce means that you have to of been separated for a year,

    I only went to get the application from my solicitor because I was so angry, my solicitor told me I can only lodge the forms after a year, but I could still fill them out now if it made me feel like the end was nearer.
    I more or less did it all out of anger.

    It's hard when I love him so much to try and make a decision like this.
    But I'm just so hurt and need some time along with out him to try and see if at the end of it, I still want to be with him and also I suppose if he still wants to be with me as well.
    Like I said.. So many emotions and no real pull on what to do.

  6. #14
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    1,106
    Thanks
    455
    Thanked
    455
    Reviews
    14
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I'm sorry you're in this position. Go with your instincts. Take the break to think and see what happens from there. Good luck!

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to Jenga For This Useful Post:

    Incog  (23-03-2012)

  8. #15
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    83
    Thanks
    38
    Thanked
    32
    Reviews
    0
    I'm so sorry for you, what a horrid time you've been having. Good on you for being so analytical and observing his behaviour so closely and trying to understand him. And you've given him many chances. You're a good wife!

    Everyone says marriage is hard work and I guess that's what you've got right now. My first marriage failed because of a sex addiction on his part and immaturity on mine - and I read and read to try to understand what had happened and what to do with myself and our children. I was less mature than you, I couldn't get past the 'why me?' and 'how could you do this to me?' while the relationship disintegrated.

    Betrayal and loss of trust is very hard to get over. It's possible, but your DH would need to be so eager to change and put things right, and you would need to keep wiping the slate clean and provide him with time and opportunities for him to prove himself and let him feel good about being your lovely husband again - without reminding him of the low life he was so very recently.

    Men are most likely to stray in the 12 months after the birth of the first child. I read a book called "After the Affair" - it would be a bit out of date now, but it was very useful in understanding my own feelings and what changes could be made to deal with the huge anger and distrust I had.

    I reckon that if you want to honour the marriage (your vows), go and see a psychologist together, but DH has to want it just as much because it will involve a lot of hard work. He will need to find something more meaningful to you than flowers and notes, and you'll need to be able to love him as a pathetic, remorseful and humiliated man. Not sexy stuff. A psychologist will also be able to tell you straight if you are wasting your time with him.

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to Pru40 For This Useful Post:

    laurea  (23-03-2012)

  10. #16
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    1,277
    Thanks
    3,305
    Thanked
    466
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I'm gonna quote Dr Phill here by saying the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

    I wouldn't cop it at all and i know i'm not you but i just hope that you realise that loving this man shouldn't ever have to also mean having to compromise on your values - which i have to say are pretty basic and reasonable at that!

    He had a serious problem with porn and lied about it before making VOWS to you. And you find out later and oh well i guess he assumes once you're married he's safe to do whatever. I don't know.

    Sorry, i would like to be more encouraging but from my perspective it's a really bad scenario you have going on here. He sounds immature the way he talks about turning feelings on and off. And my god he practically fell in love with a woman at work.
    I just can't fathom how that's possible if he genuinely loves and cares for you. And while i'm sure he does to a degree it hasn't been enough in your short marriage enough to keep him faithful.

    I mean he would rather watch and masturbate to porn than have sex with you??!

    I just don't see the upshot of being with a man who makes you feel like second best- or not even!

    It's not only possible but very common (sadly) for women to fall in love with men who make them feel really bad about themselves. But your love for him shouldn't over ride your self respect or worth and especially his! In my mind at least that's not love.


    But i also can tell by what you've written that you're still in love with him. So the only thing i see happening here is that despite the numerous neon danger signs and betrayal on his part you will give him another chance. I truely hope it works out for your sake and that of your child. And also that if it doesn't that it doesn't take too long for you to realise that you are wasted on a man who will throw your love and devotion back in your face like that.

    Life truely is too short. We are compelled to follow our hearts i realise. Just please be sure you know what you're signing up for this time around because there is every possibility that he will do it again

  11. The Following User Says Thank You to laurea For This Useful Post:

    delirium  (23-03-2012)

  12. #17
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Western Sydney
    Posts
    543
    Thanks
    84
    Thanked
    118
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, couldn't read and not respond. I have no advice but I would like to think my man only has eyes and shares his heart with me. If for any reason he couldn't give that 100% to me that I deserve, then some other man will be more than happy to be my 100%.

    Don't allow yourself a portion. Take all or nothing!

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to Merlsy For This Useful Post:

    laurea  (23-03-2012)

  14. #18
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    3,234
    Thanks
    652
    Thanked
    892
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    You said you're not ready to do marriage counselling...

    My DH and I have had huge issues for a while, and it all came to a head in January.

    Before we started couples counseling, we both went separately. I never thought opening up to a stranger would be ok but, I didn't want to tell my family and I just needed to let stuff out.
    It was great. The counsellor just listened and knew just what to say.

    Then when we started together it was easier, and we were both very open to the process.

    Try going to talk to someone.. If it's not your thing, then fine, but you might find that it helps.

    Good luck. I hope it all works out, it sounds like you love him a lot so I hope you can figure it out.

  15. #19
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    22,848
    Thanks
    6,202
    Thanked
    16,895
    Reviews
    10
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Bubhub Blogger - Thanks100 Posts in a week
    I agree with Laurea. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. That doesn't mean I don't think people can't change, I firmly believe they can. But humans are selfish creatures and when we are getting a pay off (in his case, sexual gratification from p*rn and attention from this girl) we want to keep doing it. It's not until the bad outweighs the good many choose to change.

    So I guess my point is, if you choose to forgive him, make him prove he is making changes and make the past behaviour unacceptable and undesirable i.e. telling him straight out any viewing of p*rn or having lunches etc will mean the end of the marriage no if's or buts.

    Personally there'd be no going back for me. This sort of behaviour is on my dealbreaker list, but what you choose to do is totally up to you.

    I've noticed over the years there have been a lot of threads here with husbands saying they are in love with other women and are seeing them outside of work/the home yet deny cheating. I'm not saying your DH is, but I think you at least need to consider that he may not be telling you the full truth bc he knows how close you are to leaving over the exposure of a emotional affair so he may be too scared to admit to more. Again, not saying that's the case but to make an informed decision I think you need to at least consider it's a possibility

  16. The Following User Says Thank You to delirium For This Useful Post:

    laurea  (23-03-2012)

  17. #20
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    1,277
    Thanks
    3,305
    Thanked
    466
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Yep i agree. I forgot to mention also thinking umm who on earth falls in love with someone and only holds hands?
    Particularly a man who is as clearly sexually driven as your DH is.
    Just something to consider...


 

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 163
    Last Post: 23-01-2013, 06:45
  2. Unsure...
    By pandasian in forum Pregnancy Tests & Help / Support with Results
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 02-06-2012, 06:37

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Mother and Baby Shop
Save $$$ during our Christmas Sale Mother and Baby Shop
Great prices on Schoenhut kids pianos, toys, baby clothing as well as big brands like Pigeon, NUK, Cherub Baby and many more. Sale starts on 1 November 2016 and ends on the 27 December 2016. Hurry! Place your order today!
sales & new stuffsee all
CarmelsBeautySecrets
Growing your own natural nails is easy. Years ago, I devised a simple and very effective technique which really helps boosts the nails' growth in as little as three days! And most importantly keeps them that way.
featured supporter
Baby Sensory
Baby Sensory is the only baby programme that offers a complete approach to learning & development. Our classes offer an exciting world full of fun sensory experiences for parents and babies to enjoy.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!